Should I stay or should I go? (22F, 28M)

[verionicaspeaks]

We met several years ago at my father’s company both employees. I stopped working for the company to go to school. Then I came back recently. We were both in relationships he ended his in December. And I started to become fond of him as flirting became a daily. I knew it was wrong, and I broke it off with my boyfriend. I concentrated on myself for several months, then finally asked him to go on date. He let me down softly explaining how I am the boss’s daughter and he isn’t looking for a relationship right now. A month later he texted me saying how he couldn’t stop thinking about me. We went on a date that weekend. I was very resistant towards him, and the following day. I told him it would be best if we stopped seeing each other.
Just a week later, I was bothered that I didn’t give him a chance. And he just so happened to text me. So we went out on Sunday for an all-day date. And it was the best date I could have ever been on (at the time). Then he took me too his baseball game, had him meet all his friends. We continued to hang out every weekend for the next month. And we agreed that it was the best time in the world. We have so much in common, and get so comfortable with each other. We became sexually active during this time frame.
Then he started to pull away, my guess when he realized how serious we were getting, and how he felt about me. He didn’t want to continue keeping everything a secret from my father. But we went on a date that I planned that weekend. And on that date he found his new favorite restraint because it reminded him of home. (his family is on the other side of country, he moved here knowing nobody 8 years ago) And he said I make it so hard for him to ever turn away. I treat him like a king, and that he feels so good when he is with me. For me my feelings are strong. And it feels like he is my match. We became exclusive
I started wanting a relationship, and unconsciously put pressure on him. We started hanging out every day for like a month and half. He would ask for me to come over. Told me that he loves me. But said we shouldn’t say it all the time. He also mentioned he had commitment issues. He gets to be hot and cold. Slowly but surely it looked like I was living with him. And he started feeling the pressure again. Meanwhile he asked for my father’s permission to date me. The next week he was leaving to go home for a hs reunion. And I saw him texting his ex who he was in a long distance relationship with and broke up in December. (they went to hs together) BTW its august at this point.
So he leaves for his trip. And I barely hear from him, I went on with my life. I didn’t blow his phone up I waited for him to initialize the contact. He said he appreciated how understanding I was, and let him have his time with his friends and family. I looked after his cat the week he was away. And when he came home he never hugged me so tight. He couldn’t stop looking, kissing, and hugging me. He fell asleep as we went home. And we he got back to the apartment, I had cleaned for him. He said no girl has ever done something so thoughtful and nice for him. He plopped into his bed and fell asleep. We hung out the next night and I wanted to hear about his trip, but he ended up on the phone for two hours talking to a guy friend from home to whom he didn’t get a chance to see. I was a little upset because I was waiting, I ended up going for a jog in that time to clear my head. He came back and apologized I said it was fine, I just really wanted a chance to talk to him about his trip. So he did, and then he apologized for not contacting me he said it must have been rough, I agreed but continued to say I lived, it’s no big deal.
The next night of us seeing I wanted to see how far he was thinking a relationship with me. So he began to tell me how he thinks things are going too fast and would like to slow down. I got upset and asked well do you just not want to be with me anymore he giggled and said no silly, I just don’t want it to feel like you live here. He said we need some more time with our friends, alone time, and to just have fun dating each other. I understood and the next day took out all my things. We hung out with our own friends that night. Than had wonderful days together Saturday and Sunday. We stayed apart Mon-Wednesday. Thurs-mon we went on adventures a mini vacation had the best time together. But that Friday I found out he was texting a girl from home. And it was somebody who he saw. He told her she was the highlight of the reunion. It bothered me a lot. I didn’t mention her, I just asked if he had somebody else on his mind. Because he had been distant the week before. He told me that I’m the only girl I have nothing to worry about. But clearly I knew I wasn’t the only one. He also told me that he wanted to move home in 2 years and that’s why he has been getting so distant. Because he doesn’t want to hurt me. I told him I was starting to become unhappy because he treats me like a girlfriend but yet I’m not and two years is still awhile away that he was shutting me out before we really got started. And it bothers me he pulls away. He apologized and said he has some thinking to do, to let’s enjoy our weekend and see how everything goes. So we did.
Tuesday I didn’t hear from him what so ever. Than the next day he called me for about 20 mins. That night I asked if he was pulling away again and he said he was “just chillen” Than I didn’t hear from all day again and my mind was angry and fed up, I was tired of not getting out how he had been making me feel. So I called him at 6 and asked if I could go over. He said yes. I went to his house we sat down and I told him “I don’t think we should see each other anymore” and he was stunned. I instantly felt wrong but I had to follow through. He had no words, so I got up and grabbed everything. He said that I didn’t need to grab everything with a concerned look on his face. I told him well I’m not coming back for it. He said “but MY NAME please stop” “he asked is it because I have barely talked to you I said it was part of it. The cat kept meowing at me and he said “the cat doesn’t want you to go” I said that makes one of you. And he got up and said but please just stop. I continued and said you don’t want anything more with me. He said but it’s not that. I said you either want me or you don’t. He didn’t have words, so I answered for him walked out the door got in my car and left I saw him staring out the window as I drove away. I thought about everything I wish I said, and I called him when I got home. We spoke on the phone for two hours, I got out everything I needed to say. He said he didn’t want to say goodbye but he understood. He said he started to lose that strong feeling for me but he loves being with me and hanging out with me. He said he wants to be with me he just doesn’t know if he can promise a future at this point. He feels a lot of pressure from my side about being his girlfriend. But he can’t help the strong connection between us and he knows it’s something real. He said he never met a girl like me and sometimes he feels he doesn’t deserve me because he is not giving me what I want. We ended up hang up the phone to go to sleep. My mind and heart was racing. I couldn’t but feel how every ounce of this does not feel right to me. I feel like him and I are it. I never been this way and I have had my share of relationships to the point I’m the person everyone goes to advice for. Because I experienced it all at such a young age. I called him back and apologized and told him I didn’t want it to end. I realized that the only reason I was so focused on wanting to be his girlfriend because I had influences around me that made me feel like he should be. But I was truly happy, we were best friends, we have the best times together and do so much together. We constantly are laughing and smiling. We fight only stupid stuff like wanting Chinese food for dinner, but we laugh about it in the end. I am so happy but am I in a illusion? Am I actually wasting my time? I just don’t want to be the same thing in a year. But for a few more months I’m okay with it being how it is. Because we are truly happy together. Everybody sees it. All my friends and family love him and believe he is amazing guy (they never accepted anybody before) and all his friends love me too. I’m willing to sit and see where it goes, but only if there is an actual chance. If there is no chance I have to drop it. He said he just doesn’t want the pressure of a relationship right now, but it doesn’t mean we will never be in one. He cares about me and how I feel. And thinking about one day hurting me, scares me. He said he knows he is the type to push someone away before they get too close, It has a lot to do with unstable upbringing and being tossed around from homes.

[melancholia]

If after two years, your relationship hasn't progressed to being boyfriend and girlfriend, then something is wrong here. Guys who want to be with someone, make it clear that they want to be with them. They don't dance around the idea of being together, unless they want to string you along and "have their cake and eat it, too". Trust me. I've experienced a lot with men, and if they say they want to be with you, but they don't want to put a label on it, then they probably never will. If you two had been together for a few short months, that would be different. But after two years of this, I can't see it going anywhere. He wants to move home, he has no plans to commit to you, and you are running around trying to do everything for him and force the relationship to happen. I've been in exactly this same position as you are and it sucks, but I think you did the right thing by walking away from him. You told him flat out that he either wants you or he doesn't, and he didn't have an answer for you... that's not a good sign.

I think you should go your separate ways and start focusing on doing your own thing without him. Relationships that are good and healthy don't turn out like this. There is a natural progression and there's no guessing games or mind games that make you question what's going on. There's also the issue of him texting that other chick and his ex, which are also major red flags. Who knows what he did while he was away, because if you aren't his girlfriend, that leaves him free to do whatever he wants, with anyone he wants. I'm not saying he slept with anyone for sure, but you never know. Chances are likely that he just isn't feeling you as much as you are, and he doesn't want to commit to you so he can keep his options open.

If you have to shake the head of the person you're with to make them see what you have together is worth it, then it will never be worth it to them; at least not in the way it should be.

[verionicaspeaks]

must have read wrong. I have known him for two years. But we only been dating for three months! What would do than in that case? Thank You for responding

[melancholia]

I must have misunderstood the timeline in your OP, sorry about that. Have you two had any discussions of being exclusive and not seeing other people? I think that after 3 months, it could go either way. I dated a guy for about 7 and he wasn't ready to be boyfriend and girlfriend after that length of time, but he would treat me like I was... so that was very confusing to me because I couldn't understand what difference it would have made to put a label on our relationship... maybe that's the case for you as well? How would things be different for you if you two were to be boyfriend and girlfriend? Does that make things seem more secure for you? I think you should ask him that question, too. Ask him what he thinks would be different if you two were to put a label on it and what it is about that that scares him. 2 years is a long way into the future and a lot can happen in that length of time. However, if he keeps skirting around the idea, and he keeps saying he cares about you and likes spending time with you but he just doesn't want a girlfriend right now, then that seems wishy-washy to me and I would be inclined to think he's playing you. That's just me, and with my experiences with men and dating, it's something a lot of guys do to keep a woman around, without having to ever commit to them in a serious way.

If you are cool with the way things are and you are happy with that, then by all means, keep it that way and enjoy your time together. But if you want more from him and out of the relationship, and if he is unable to do that for you, then you may need to reconsider being with him and end it. You need to think about what is important to you in a relationship and what you want, because if you talk yourself out of how you really feel, in order to service his needs and to be more appealing to him, then you are doing a disservice to yourself. You deserve everything you want from a man, and from a relationship, and if he is incapable of doing that for you, then he's not the right guy for you.

[verionicaspeaks]

He told me he feels like I become emotionally dependent on him. That he wants me to enjoy my life and him not be the center of it. He wants to spend time with me but know that he isn't the only reason I'm happy, that I'm happy because I'm doing everything I desire in life. And that he will be there for me always but that I shouldn't rely on him for me to be happy. Which I agree. Honestly not much would change we are exclusive already. it bothered me that he was texting another girl. But he also texted his ex saying sorry he is not in love with her anymore. I felt like I didn't realize but I was the person actually being destructive to the relationship but constantly worrying and over thinking everything. He defiantly felt the pressure

[Medina]

Relationship becomes complicated when two people makes in difficult to move ahead. So, I think you should take wise decision by considering your relationship condition.