It's crazy...we broke up a month ago, and I've been crying almost everyday, and I'd finally all but gotten over her.
I texted her today, saying goodbye, I'm finally giving up on her because it's what she wanted, and she never loved me or cared for me...
She usually ignores my texts. I was finally saying goodbye for good. Then, she replies and argues that she did love me, and she always did. Also, she said she always cared for me. This is in contrast to what she said a couple weeks ago: "I don't love you anymore. I'm not sure if I ever loved you... I take that back. I did love you once, but not anymore."
So I go to her house today, and we talk, and she says that she lied when she said "I don't love you anymore. I'm not sure if I ever did..."
She let me hug her, but not kiss her. We talked for about a half hour, and she says not to get my hopes up, but she'll see me again on Wednesday.
It's crazy how I'm punishing myself. I had just let her go, and now I'm fighting for her again. The difference is my heart is already healed, so if she doesn't take me back this time, I don't think I'll cry. I haven't actually cried since Friday. I made good progress over the weekend. I almost cried tonight because she texted me goodnight.
Normally, I would leave that woman and never give her the time of day. However, I really love her, and I was gonna walk away because she said she never loved me. Once she admitted that was a lie, now I'm falling back in... love is really complicated.
On the bright side, I'm much less likely to have a problem with alcohol or marijuana if I get back with her. I stay sober whenever I'm with her.
This is probably one big, incoherent string of words, so I apologize if it doesn't make sense and has no point. I'm ranting. I've cried about 100x in the last month for her, and now I'm slowly winning back. If you had any idea of the things I've done wrong... oh my god. It made me want to kill myself. I might as well tell you:
-I drank and smoked pot too much (the last few months, I tend to drink every night, get drunk at least 4 times per week, and smoke off and on. A month and a half ago I was even drinking in the morning, but I stopped doing that, and I've been getting help from a psychologist).
-I broke up with her drunk over text four times in our 8 month relationship (she broke up with me sober, twice).
-I was verbally abusive on a few occasions when i was drunk
-I once told her I thought she was too fat
-I called her plastic a couple times (regarding her makeup)
-I told her i didn't like the fact her parents didn't speak english (she's mexican)
-I didn't always appreciate the little things she did for me
-I got in a fight with her two days after she threw me a surprise bday party for my 'dirty thirty'
-I touched two strippers' butts in front of her.
-After we broke up a month ago, I went on dating websites a day later
-I admitted to her that i went on dating websites, and she said she hated me and never wanted to see me again, and she deleted all our pics
-I had sex with a random Tinder girl 12 days after we broke up, and an hour after I had sex, I realized it was my 8 month anniversary (6 months official) with my girl (Sonia). So I was still in love with Sonia, and was trying to push her out of my mind, and inadvertently had sex with someone else on our anniversary.
-I had sex with that Tinder girl again 2 days later
-I admitted having sex and on our anniversary to Sonia, because I'm honest and Sonia was still texting me and I couldn't bear to hold a secret (I literally *CANNOT* keep secrets).
-Sonia wouldn't talk to me for over a week.
Now, Sonia let me hug her, kiss her forehead today, wrap my arm around her, and talk to her for over 30 minutes. No kiss of course, and no promise of getting back.
My sins are rather unforgivable, and they almost made me kill myself (good thing I'm still here). Sonia's sins were not as bad.
After listing out all those things I did wrong, for her to even talk to me and let me touch her, that means that Sonia must really love me. I've been heartbroken for a while because I thought she didn't love me, and after the breakup, she in fact said that she didn't love me. It turns out that she was lying, and she does love me afterall....
It's pretty ****ed up, and I've damaged and scarred the relationship many times. The major causes were my excessive drinking and possibly leftover resentment from my last 3yr9mo ex that ended about 45 days before I met Sonia, so Sonia was a rebound whom I fell deeply in love with.
I am of course neglecting all of the beauty and good times in our relationship, and there was a lot of them. Enough, I hope, to keep this relationship alive, because despite how it may seem, I really do love her.
I think I'm doing good just by not killing myself. I don't know if Sonia will take me back (and I know I definitely don't deserve her, even given the things she's done to me), but at least I'm convinced that she loves me now (I thought she didn't love me because she was never there for me when I was depressed, she didn't care about my severely sprained ankle, she refused to move in with me or sleep in my bed our entire relationship, and other sins which are basically nothing compared to what i did).
So if she takes me back, then she must love me deeply.
It's a pretty ****ed up story and I expect to be judged. I have judged myself plenty, and I know the mistakes that I've made, and I've swallowed my pride and I've admitted all of my mistakes and secrets to Sonia, even though she's lied to me a few times. For all my faults, I've basically never lied to her.
It really is a victory for me that I didn't kill myself. I was suicidal a couple weeks ago, but that passed. Trying to focus on my work and stop drinking and smoking, and that helps my emotions.
I don't even know if I should just hold the backspace key or click "submit new thread..."