In Love or In Life : Do you Forgive and Forget?

[lovebroken]

Just wondering how each react to people they are close to hurting them, whether a loved one, family member, friend or coworker.

I don't anymore. Lets those people take advantage of me I feel.

[dollhouse]

Not as much as when I was younger.... I think if someone wrongs you then they are not considering your feelings or you at all and how can they be considered a friend or even a loved one when you don't even take into account how your actions will harm the other party. So by forgetting what they done almost says to them, it was not so bad, he/she didn't really get hurt and forgave me so why not do it once more or twice more.... Never forget. If you forgive, then do it for yourself, not for them.

[lovebroken]

I agree, dollhouse. Nice girls and nice guys are taken for advantage of in these kinds of situations.

[TheEvilJester]

It depends, really. I mean, for one thing, it depends on the exact offense. I think we are all guilty of "wronging" somebody we care about at one time or another. I'm sure we've all at some time been in a really bad mood and done or said something we regretted. But, hopefully our offense is very minor. That, I can see forgiving and forgetting. However, there are some things I simply personally do not believe should ever be forgiven.

Frankly, after the life I've lead, people basically get ONE chance with me. Once you F up, you are gone. And, again, that isn't referring to a minor offense, of course. That is referring to something the deeply hurts me. Hell, I don't even let people into my life much any more, so most people don't even get one chance.

I do believe you should ALWAYS forgive and forget YOURSELF in situations like that. In other words, you shouldn't be so effected by it that it still continues to hurt you and you still dwell on whatever happened. You should move on and be happy again.... but sometimes you should do so while realizing that the person who wronged you does not deserve any part in your life. Some things do not deserve to be forgiven. Yes, you should let them go FOR YOURSELF, but that doesn't mean the guilty party deserves any pardon.... they just deserve to be NOTHING but a distant memory in your life.

[lovebroken]

Welcome back to the forums, TheEvilJester.

I could and many times have forgiven small hurtful gestures by both family, bf's and friends over the years, things that you can remove by the other person just being insensitive but not for the most part trying to be malicious. But many times there have been things these people would known if said or done would hurt me and they go ahead and say and do it regardless. That becomes unforgivable to me, obviously stealing and cheating are not forgivable to most of us, I feel. I sometimes think people want to hurt the ones closest to them, like it is a weird safe zone and expect the person will always forgive how they act. I think once out of teens and into twenties and thirties and above you lose impatience with these kinds of people.

[Exeter19]

i'm in the halfway zone on that. a first offence i will but repeat offenses, no i won't. family, love, work there is a definite 3 strikes you are out policy. somethings i don't think you should forgive tbh.

[TheEvilJester]

And I would also add to that that in my personal opinion, blood does not automatically make you family. Family members shouldn't automatically get a pass on wrongdoing. Sometimes there CAN be situations where you are better off without somebody in your life even if they are family. Or, at the very least if they are really close family like a parent or sibling, maybe you just need to learn to keep them at arm's length. At some point, if somebody keeps doing things that hurt you deeply.... but you just keep allowing them to do so.... it starts to become partially your own fault. There comes a time when you need to remove a person from your life, or at least keep them at a distance.

[lovebroken]

I think so too, family can take advantage of you more than anyone can and you need boundaries to keep the peace and respect.

[TheEvilJester]

R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Find out what it means to me
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Take care, TCB

[breathe123]

Guilty as charged. I still try to but it gets harder over time.

[TheEvilJester]

Wait... you are guilty of which? LOL! I think it was sort of an "Are you option A or are you option B" kind of question.

[dollhouse]

I think in general if you are a nice thoughtful and kind person of either gender people take advantage of that to push limits and get whatever they want...and that in itself make those good people of the world cautious of others intentions which is sad. But is needed.

[TheEvilJester]

Tell me about it. Basically my life story in a very abbreviated form you just told right there. That's why I've pretty much given up on people and given up on love. Who knows? Maybe some day fate will find a way to prove me wrong... but I'm not holding my breath anymore. Better off learning to be happy despite my dark fate.

[dollhouse]

That's too bad, TheEvilJester... I think in love I am scarred by my ex's actions and unfortunately my partner ( poor sweetie ) deals with after effects of that time to time because I am cautious and sometimes am waiting for the other shoe to drop ( as they say..)

[TheEvilJester]

I definitely can understand how you feel. I would just say, as best you can, don't let your ex's crimes color your future. I don't know what your ex did, but just because your ex made those mistakes it doesn't mean you new partner will. If your partner gives you no reason for mistrust, then there is no reason to treat them as though they do. Believe me, though, I understand it can sometimes be really hard not to still suffer the ill effects of those scars. Just know they do fade over time. It especially helps when you do have a good partner. You get to see the way somebody SHOULD treat you, not the way some loser ex did.