Girlfriend has been messaging her ex and hiding it with bad messages, please help!

[robneedsadvice]

I really don't know what to do.

I noticed my girlfriend gets these FB messenger texts come up now and again on her phone and she will never open them in front of me. From a few different boys etc but thats fine, I trusted her etc. However one was from an ex that now lives in scotland and they were really good friends before dating dated then he moved away. i asked her about this and she said it was nothing etc but lately she has been acting differently and being a bit secretive so her fb was open on my laptop whilst she had a shower and i though F*ck it ill have a little look just to settle my thoughts so I dont need to worry about it.

Turns out there are loads of messages to and fro from this ex, some of them quite explicit about when they were together in the past, mainly from him but she has made no effort to make him stop these messages, one was a very detailed message he sent her about a dream he had had about doing stuff to her etc.

I then kinda brought it up when she came back by saying I've noticed messages come up on your phone etc which is worrying as theyre from your ex etc and you never open in front of me she said theyre just feiends etc etc so i leave to go home as she had work soon so I go home and go back on her account to screenshot these messages if need be for evidence and now they are all gone.

She must of realised i was on to her and now she has deleted all the messages between them, sneaky fkcin *****!

Please, my head is all over the place, what do I do !!!

I love her..

[lovebroken]

Either you trust her or you don't, can't claim both ways because it always only one or the other and if you don't this whole thing will drive you crazy, make you angry and paranoid and harm the relationship. Tell her you'd rather she NOT chat with him out of respect for you and hers relationship if she says no, she won't stop, move on or if she says okay and then you find she lied and only told you that to shut you up, also move on. IMO totally wrong to let her ex tell her anything sexual while in a relationship with you, she is on a slippery slope and sliding towards him, be watchful to how she acts and go from there.

[wantmyxback]

I think she's playing you like a fiddle. You should man up and leave her.

[Sunkiss]

It seems like there is either a trust issue or soon to be broken trust....neither is good. Besides....if you are in a relationship you really have no business talking to your ex anymore. Did you tell her it bothers you? Is she texting anyone else this way? One thing I knew about my ex....He broke my trust when I saw things like that in his phone and then I couldn't stop....I became obsessed with looking into his accounts and texts! We weren't ever going to be the same because I couldn't trust him. But I also noticed he just got better at hiding it (deleting messages...opening new accounts I didn't know about...so on)

Moral of that story....He cheated on me with multiple women....and all I knew about was the "nasty texts" .

I think we both know she is hiding something and that's basically cheating if she is having inappropriate conversations you don't approve of.

[Hooo!]

tough one.
either option you have is shit.

important thing is not to get angry or threaten her. If she is texting with her ex then that is fine. Talk about it. Talk about her ex and what nice things he did. Anchor that to you now.
Be adult about it. Speak about what he tells her. Speak about the sexual fantasies he has about her (and like it)
then do it to her.

Id anchor everything i can get from this guy towards me. Make her realise that everything the dude is typing she HAS with me.
And be nice about the dude. Talking about what a nice and kind guy he is (if he is!)
be honest, unhurt and unshakably strong.

The most difficult thing is probably to get her talking about it in the first place.
Thats where she is afraid of your reaction. So give her no reason to be afraid.

You know what she does. If you reality check that she still really loves you and finds you attractive youve got a good chance of using this to become a stronger couple
if not - you have other problems anyhow.


To sum it up: I dont think the guy is your problem
I think the problem is that she feels she cannot talk with you about everything (and usually YOU are the reason for that)
The problem also is that there are fantasies towards other men (which in itsself is nothing unusual). It only gets a problem if its not only sexual and combined with emotions towards a specific man. (Its like watching porn. In itsself its no problem. If you are obsessed with an actress however and it gets personal...)