Hiding and cheating text messages. It's the end?

[Saphire]

Hello

My ex and I were dating for 11 months. From the very beginning I told him I had a lot of guy friends and I eventually introduced him to all of them. He told me that it did not bother him that I had guys for friends. I never once gave him any reason to not trust me, my phone was always open to him and I even texted people right in front of him so that he knew everything was fine. After about 6 months he started being very very insecure about me talking to my friends even after I always proved to him nothing was going on. He always told me he never had friends that It was just me. But I clued in that was bullshit when we started hanging out with everyone he knew. I stopped talking to a lot of my friends and he magically started talking to all kinds of his. A lot of them being females.

After a little while I noticed him going through my phone when I wasn't in the room. (I didn't care) but I confronted him about it and he straight lied to me. My phone is always there for him to see and for a little while at the beginning his was too. But then I started to notice after he went through mine that he started to hide his away more often. And even go as far as making it so messages didn't show up on his phone when I was around. One day when he was showering I decided since he goes through my phone, I'll just take a peek ( first time) that is where I found inappropriate text messages from a girl and him sending them right back. I confronted him about it and he started yelling and screaming at me accusing me of wrong doing just to steer me away from what he did.

After that my trust in him was gone and I told him that. He understood and begged for me to give him another chance, he knew I was cheated in the past and knew this was going to be very hard. He promised me he would do anything to make it up to me. He suggested that we be even more open to our phones. No talking to the people that makes each other uncomfortable, and so on. I agreed 100% because I love him very much and I wanted to make this work and the people I had to stop talking I never contacted much anyway. Once in a blue moon if I had a question. I told him that it'll take awhile to build my trust and if I have a concern about something that I wanted him to help me through it instead of getting pissed off and yelling. I always understood his concerns and helped him feel better. I just want him to do the same, especially after he cheated. Unfortunately it got worse and he got more creative with hiding his phone and texts and when you've been cheated many times you become aware of the signs. So eventually I said enough is enough, but now I'm feeling so hurt and heart broken again after being betrayed again after it took me two years to even look at dating again.

It's only been over a week, but I feel very sad all the time and don't want to do anything. I miss him a lot, because when it was good, it was amazing. I thought so much that he was the one after a short time. I just want to know if I made the right choice.

[basilandthyme]

Yes, you made the right choice. The first couple of years of dating someone is not about commitment - rather, it's about finding out if there is enough compatibility to commit to them for the long haul.

His jealousy and sneakiness would not work for me.

[Wakeup]

Well, I'm sorry that you're hurting, sapphire. Take solace in the fact that you did do the right thing. You even gave him another chance and he blew that as well so you know what type of guy he is. It'll hurt for a while but you'll be fine eventually.

Maybe try dating a different type of guy from what you normally find attractive. A good guy that knows what personal and relationship boundaries are and wouldn't, out of his own conviction, stray or cheat because it would be against his own values.

I think the only thing you could have done differently is to have not ignored the fact that he had a need to look through your phone when you were not acting at all suspiciously as being a red flag. One of the things that cheaters do is they project and they fear that who they are with is going to do to them what they are doing to you. They are selfish and totally insecure so be aware of men who are such.

[amandabrooke]

You definitely did the right thing! Don't regret this decision for a second. He couldn't even prove to you that he could commit after you gave him a second chance. These types of guys will rarely, if ever change, and you made a smart move by leaving before the relationship developed even further. I know it's incredibly hard right now, but eventually you'll begin to heal and move on. Try to focus on something important in your life, like hobbies, work, school, etc. That sometimes works as a positive outlet for your feelings and energy.

[HeartIsAching]

All second chances do is prove to them that they can do what they want, because if they're contrite enough when caught, you'll take 'em back.

You did the right thing.

[michelle23]

Yes you did the right thing and you need to be strong now. Of course it hurts, its only been a week but you will heal and you will meet someone better in time. Eleven months is nothing hun. If he can be so shady and sneaky so early on-that would be the rest of your life if you stayed with this guy. Imagine 20 years of drama, checking texts, constant fights, constant hurt, always looking over your shoulder. No man is worth that kinda BS so consider yourself lucky. You have dodged a bullet

[MrLoyal]

Yes, you made the right choice. The first couple of years of dating someone is not about commitment - rather, it's about finding out if there is enough compatibility to commit to them for the long haul.

I wish someone taught me this years ago. Great advice.

[Saphire]

Thanks for the comments, and the advice. I really appreciate it