Hurt

[Kellyc123]

My boyfriend went to a house party last night and stayed over he told me when he got home he stayed in the same bed as another woman he said nothing happened he just slept but I'm so hurt and upset by this and my boyfriend said I'm being stupid to feel like that and is having a go at me for feeling hurt am I wrong for feeling this way

[pcmaster]

It sure was a little cheating. Sleeping with another girl. Even without sex its still not okay. He should make it up to you with flowers, chocolates and champagne.

[TheEvilJester]

Okay.... so for the sake of discussion, let's pretend he was being 100% honest. Let's pretend they just slept in the same bed and quite literally nothing happened.....


Yeah.... that still doesn't make it okay. I mean, maybe that's just me, but at least you felt that way and pc agreed as well. So, that at least makes three of us. I don't even exactly know how to articulate WHY that isn't okay. I guess it's a lack of respect kind of thing. Even if you believe with your full heart that you can trust him..... we as human beings still can't help that there would be part of us that would doubt that in a situation like this. You shouldn't have to be put in that position in the first place.

I could personally MAYBE look past it if it weren't for the disrespectful way it seems he reacted to your feelings on this. To belittle your feelings like calling you stupid for feeling that way shows a complete lack of respect and any caring at all for your feelings. Maybe in your hurt you misconstrued something he said and that was not actually his intention.... but if that actually IS what he said, then he strikes me as somebody too immature to ever accept that he's done anything wrong. IF that is the case, you deserve better than that. Anybody would.

So, if I were you, I'd be having serious doubts about whether or not I even want to continue a relationship with this guy. Though, if you do decide you want to still try to make it work, I'd say you revisit the discussion at a time when you are able to calm down. It's rarely good to discuss something like this in the heat of the moment. That can often lead to it just becoming an argument. In heated moments, none of us are the best us. Sometimes people say or do things they didn't mean at a time when they were just angry. So, maybe that was the case.

Maybe if you two discussed this with cooler heads, you can explain it to him. Explain how this situation made you feel. Explain that you trust him, but just don't like being put in the kind of position where you are made to feel this way, regardless of the fact that you don't believe he'd ever do anything. Explain that it hurts that you feel like he just dismisses your feelings like they don't matter to him. That you were trying to have an open and honest discussion and instead of trying to understand how you feel, he instead tries to tell YOU how you SHOULD feel.

If he's a good guy, he can understand that and would be willing to do what he needs to make you happy (within reason, of course). If he still refuses to admit that he did anything wrong, or even at least that he can understand why you felt it was wrong even if he himself had no nefarious intentions, then he's not a good person after all and you deserve better.

Good luck to you either way. I hope that you two can talk this out and this will some day be nothing more than a distant memory. If not, though, I hope you at least care enough about yourself to do what is right for you even if it may be the thing that is initially most difficult, but in the long run is for the best.

[Hooo!]

lol wut

i have done that multiple times and with boys too.
am i gay because i slept in the same bed as someone else?
i mean like wtf?

he is wasted and goes to bed. and some random girl too.

i dont get what all the fuss is about at all.
Ive shared even hotel rooms with other women and nothing happened. I dont see what is wrong with that.
Just because you have a dick doesnt mean you have to whip it out at everything that comes withit reach on a matress...

the key is to TALK about it. And then reality check if something has happened. If not then everything is fine.
if you are having jealousy issues that means you have not learned to trust your partner yet and that you life in a relationship with too little trust and outspoken honesty.
Work on that.
not on someone sleeping next to a girl.
what you do if you go camping? automatic mass orgy?

[TheEvilJester]

I mean, I think many people would have a problem with that. It isn't like they were just in the same room or something. They were in the SAME bed. I agree with you that this does not automatically equal cheating or even the desire or intention to cheat.... but that still doesn't necessarily make it okay.

Though, I definitely agree with you that whether or not it is okay isn't entirely the point. The point is this bothered her, but apparently he didn't think anything of it. So, unless he's lying, this means he had no intentions of doing anything, he quite literally just thought nothing of it. Which, though I'd ponder his sanity myself (LOL!) is actually a good thing if that is true. Because then it means he really didn't mean anything by it.

Agreed with Hooo that talking about it is the key. Again, maybe he didn't think it would bother you because, as far as he is concerned, they just occupied the same space and nothing more than that. Even so, maybe he can understand that this would bother you and agree not to do that again. Communication is the key in any relationship.

Good luck either way!

[Hooo!]

maybe he think it might might bother her or it was a little of
but maybe he was too wasted to go anywhere else too

i dont see why prople could possibly have a problem with that.
i see why people have a problem with not trusting or with sleeping with other people.
but that is not what we discuss here - or is it? :-)

again: i have been with other women in a hotel room alone. My girlfriend is totally fine with that and i dont see why she shouldnt be.
sometimes we even had only a double bed.
i again dont see any problem with that. im a grown up and i dont have to put my dick out on everyone who sleeps in the same room or even same bed with me.
the problem is not this. the problem is either the girl being immature
or they both not talking in general about their deep feelings and future of the relationship
or not trusting in each other.
and those are real issues and they must be adressed.

if its the girl who is just jealous then let me tell you this:
you have a man who can sleep with other women in the same bed without anything happening. Because he just wants you.
And he is telling you this in all honesty.
What more do you want?

[TheEvilJester]

I guess, where I think I personally see a problem with it is this....

Most people, whether they wish it or not, whether they feel they can fully trust their partner or not.... still have that little bit of doubt in their mind. That little voice that can't help but nag at them. Truth of the matter is you really never do know for sure. You can't let yourself constantly live a life giving into that kind of doubt or you will drive yourself crazy and you'll never trust anybody. ....BUT.... at the same time, the people you care about and who care about you shouldn't blatantly put you in the position even to have to listen to that voice in the first place. This, to me, feels like carelessly putting somebody in a position where, no matter how much they think they can trust you, there's still that bit of doubt you can't help but feel. This isn't like he just happened to be at a party or social gathering or something where other females happened to be present. Then that would be overreacting to feel upset about that. This was them sleeping in the same bed.... which CAN have sexual connotations/implications.

It's also a situation where I don't see why you couldn't find some other kind of arrangement. I can't see why you'd ever be in a situation where there is literally no other option. So, to me, why even bother to get in such a situation when it is just better to avoid it. That said, if two partners truly do not care at all about something like that because they see it for the innocent nothing it is, then that is awesome! Good for them.

As I'm thinking about it, I think another reason this hits me as being inappropriate.... Though maybe to some people that excuse (it meant nothing, we were literally just sleeping in the same bed and nothing more) may actually be the truth.... that's also EXACTLY what an unscrupulous scumbag would say to his/her partner after A LOT more did, in fact, happen.

Anyways.... blah blah blah. I will concede this. If the OP's fella is honestly being 100% truthful... that nothing happened, that the thought of anything happening didn't even enter his mind because he is loyal to his gal..... Then yeah, I agree with you. That dude would be quite the keeper.

[CantMoveOn]

He didn't need to stay over and sleep there, could have ubered home, or got a lift, and if he couldn't do that because then he could have slept on the floor, in a chair or on a sofa. No reason to sleep in a bed with another woman when he has a girlfriend.

[TheEvilJester]

Exactly. There have to be a bout a million ways you could avoid that situation, so why even put yourself in that situation? I think that's also partially my point. It's not so much that him just happening to occupy the same bed as a woman who isn't his girlfriend is automatically such a big deal.... it's more there is no reason he HAD to do that and couldn't just sleep elsewhere. I think, in large part, it is a respect/lack of respect thing in regards to your significant other. In a similar vein, if I had a girlfriend, I wouldn't go out dancing with another girl even if it was just as friends. Our dancing could be 100% innocent and we be 100% platonic and nothing more.... but it would still feel inappropriate and I could see it having the wrong connotation to other people or my (fictitiously created for the sake of this scenario) girlfriend.

[pcmaster]

I could never sleep with a girl in bed and just sleep - would think about sex all the time. With girls who I know for years - yes could sleep but with new girl no way.
Okay when you are drunk you are relaxed and dont need anything. But still also its easier to cheat while drunk and one could not even remember having sex. Its like waking up in bed with a unknow girl and not remembering anything but thinking - I dont remember what I did but I know I been damn good

[TheEvilJester]

Another good point, actually. People do stupid $h*t when they are drunk, and then can include cheating. I mean, granted, being drunk doesn't make you do things you wouldn't otherwise WANT to do. It's not like you are a perfect little angel sober and then suddenly you go on a murder spree whilst drunk. However, being drunk lowers your inhibitions and could lead you to doing something that some part of you may want to do even if sober you wouldn't actually do it. So, again, why even put your significant other in a situation where they have to worry what you'll do, whether they can trust you or not?