Why do these guys from online keep doing this to me?

[amkxoxo]

So earlier this year, March to be exact, I joined Match.com. I’m 25, have been single for a year. I spent that year re-discovering myself, looking at what I want, and going to a counselor to sort out any old issues. I finally felt ready, so I joined.

At first, I didn’t like it. I felt like I was a piece of meat being picked at a butcher shop. But I soon realized that I had my own choice in meat. So I tried to stay positive. I was getting messages and lots of likes from men. The first man I talked to, we hit it off. We moved into texting and were talking a lot. Until a technical error hit. On my phone, his message was the last one, so to me it looked like he stopped responding to me. On his phone my message was shown last, and he thought I stopped responding. I waited days and I finally gave in and broke the ice again. He freaked out on me for leading him on, disappearing, and started saying how he isn’t looking for someone who isn’t serious etc…

We eventually realized the technical error and he apologized. He passively ghosted me a few days later. I think he still had a bad taste in his mouth. I remember thinking that he was so sensitive and testy about it.

But now, I am him. I keep meeting men. We chat, we seem to hit it off, and then they disappear. Poof! My favorite part if that they are passive. If I texted any one of them right now, they would answer, but they aren’t chasing me, nor putting in any effort to see me. I feel like my luck is getting worse and worse.

The second guy I met on there, seemed great. He had a lot of baggage, but I gave him a chance. He asked me out right away. We texted a lot, and talked on the phone, which was even better. Our first date was so amazing. We had chemistry. My friends were in awe of me, as my first online date was the best ever. I was on cloud nine. But his baggage still lurked around. He was engaged earlier this year to his high school sweetheart of 12 years. He still lived in their home together. Remnants of her all over it. She had moved out and he was living on his own. He was emotionally fragile, but we still dated. He seemed so into me. I couldn’t believe my first time meeting someone from online and I was on my way to having a boyfriend. Things were going so well that some of my friends signed up for Match too. It was short lived. Over a month into dating, he started disappearing, passively of course. I would text him. He would answer, but made no plans to see me. I looked back on everything I did, said, etc… and could find not one thing clearly wrong. My friends assured me he would come around, but he didn’t. I was devastated. It was the worst thing ever. He was telling me he was going to see me soon, kissing me, had me in his bed with him, and he seemed totally into me. Told me his mother would love me, and even brought up the “what are we” talk, with no prodding from me. Haven’t seen him in over 6 weeks and haven’t spoken in 4. He used the “I’m so busy” excuse to the fullest and I finally gave up trying. I wish he could have at least said something to me. After over a month of dating, telling me he really liked me etc... he could have had the decency to say something to me.

I pushed on. Depressed as I was, I was determined to keep trying. My friends assured me it wasn’t me, it was him and his baggage. They assured me that other men weren’t like him. So I started talking to another man. He seemed stable, secure, successful. No baggage in the distance. We talked for weeks, from morning until night. I finally mentioned meeting up. He said he’d love to, and he would even drive to see me. Everything seemed great, until slowly, but surely, the communication got less, and less, and less, until now it’s nothing. I messaged him, and he answered and we talked and talked, but then I never heard from him. Passively ghosted again.

I’m slowly losing hope. I’m now talking to two men. One guy, has been texting with me for probably close to a month now. What’s nice about him is that when I seem less communicative he seems to continue to keep the conversation going. I appreciate that. I mentioned meeting up and he said he’d like to, but we have no plans in the future. Another man, I have been talking to for a week or so. He seems great. Stable, secure. He even told me he is truly looking for someone to share his life with. He says he wants to see me. He has mentioned us doing things multiple times, but no plan is ever set into motion. He seems nice, and probably the most promising, but to be honest, I’m just waiting for the day he ghosts me.

I know this is how dating is, and this is how online culture works, but it’s a constant slap in the face. I feel like every guy seems great for a few weeks, but when it comes down to actually putting any effort into me, taking me out, or having to spend any time or money, they suddenly disappear. I feel like the first guy I talked to, wanting to freak out on these men for not being serious about dating. I am stable, secure, and successful, and I am looking to share my life with someone. I just feel like half of these guys I’m meeting preach that they are the same as me, stable, secure, looking to share their lives, but when it comes down to actually doing it, they don’t.

I'm 25, have a great salary job, my own nice apartment, nice car, good friends, family. I'm about 145 lbs, dress cute, and really try hard to always look nice. I am not perfect, but I try hard to take care of myself.

I keep getting feelings of “You’re not good enough”, because it feels that way when these men take off, as they seem to keep doing. I feel like I am at my wits end of dating. Like I can’t catch a break and I am almost ready to give up.

I laugh because most of these guys all do the same thing. They talk to you, ask all similar questions. They cal you cute, and want to know all about you. You talk for a long while. They seem hooked, and into you. And then when you least expect it they suddenly pull away. You text them, and they answer like nothing is wrong. It reassures you to try again, so you do, but after a while you realize that they are putting in zero effort, and not wanting to see you, or even text you. And then you don't text them anymore, and they never follow up with you. Its literally so terrible.

I feel like I am so nice, and understanding, and cute, and smart, and my friends all say that all these men see that, but its their own issues, and inability to commit and be the man I deserve that keeps me single. I am just so sick of throwing myself out there time and time again, and end up alone time and time again. Like right now, out of the three guys, I think one is still actively talking to me, with no future plans to meet. It stinks. Am I doing something wrong?

[Jenn2]

I'm right there with you! I haven't done the online dating too much because I live in a SMALL town but I completely understand. I made the horrible mistake of sleeping with a new guy last week and now I hate myself! Life sucks sometimes