Trust issues...

[Punisher]

Hello folks,

I'm new here, so please be gentle.

I have a problem with my girlfriend, which is one-way for the moment. She knows nothing.

Background:
there was a person in her life (not a boyfriend), with whom she was connected but she had a fight. Let's say a terrible fight and that person did ALOT of damage to my gf, so back then I became involved (I'm sorry to be rude but in matters like this my gf doesn't have a backbone so I tried to advise her) and thus very angry at that person. My gf knows that.
Lately I got a strange feeling that something is not like it should be. I don't know...I have a nose for such things.
I know her e-mail password but I swore to myself that I wouldn't read her e-mails even if it killed me but that feeling gave me a real hard time, so I gave in to it and openned her account. To my surprise I discovered that she started emailing that person and chitchatting. OK...I keep my temper at a normal level and I asked her (not dirrectly) if she has any contact with that person and she swore to me that she didn't...you can imagine the how I felt

Anyway, I never told her that I read her email, cuz I won't read them again (one more thing...I didn't actually read the emails, I just made a quick view of the names of the folks she was writing to...).

I guess the problem lies in me, cuz I'm a guy with a quick temper. Don't get me wrong, I don't yell and I absolutely DON'T hit, I just become angry and usually I state my opinions loudly. That person did really outrageous things and I can't stand the idea of my gf mailing with that person. I know, you'll probably say it's none of my busines and you'd be right in most cases, but this isn't the case, cuz I was a part of the fights.

So, my question is; should this worry me? I mean, I know she's faithful and she loves me...etc...and I know that she's hiding this because she's probably afraid of my reaction. So please comment this. And don't start commenting the fact I opened her email, cuz my concience is doing that job perfectly already. I didn't come here to start a debate about right and wrong, I just want an honest opinion.

And one more thing...how can I make her "confess" without telling her about the emails?

I can't even begin to explain how I felt when I found out this. I was furious and heart broken at the same time...and later when she said that she has no contacts with that person really devastated me. Where's her conscience?

P

[vashti]

I think you should come clean about opening her email and just ask her what is going on.

[Punisher]

I know her enough to know that she would get stuck at the part about checking her mail and wouldn't listen to the rest...one of her perks
I could have a two hour talk and she would find a word she dind't like and just get back to me on that word...the rest would not be important.

I was hoping for a more "in flagranti" approach...like...a friend of mine saw you with her...

[vashti]

That is not how grown-ups should behave. Just be honest, and apologize for opening her email.

[King Zarathu]

If you have to, write her an email. I doubt she wouldn't finish reading that email, so you're bound to tell her everything in that.

Also, what'd the guy do? Did he rape her or something? Beat her? ...?

[Punisher]

I don't wanna go into details cuz I honestly don't know if she's on this forum too...she could recognise the "story".

And actually it was a girl, not a guy.
It was a friendship where one person would abuse the trust and good will of the other. The other being my gf.

[King Zarathu]

What the ****? Okay man, you're going to have to just spit it out, because if it's a girl this completely changes the story. I doubt she's on the forums. Give it a go.

[Punisher]

What the ****? Okay man, you're going to have to just spit it out, because if it's a girl this completely changes the story. I doubt she's on the forums. Give it a go.

That's really reassuring

At the beginning it wasn't serious. It was a typical "one is a leader, the other one the folower" connection (best friends). But in time it escalated into a "I need you, come here! You need me? Sorry, don't have time today" sort of thing.
The thing is that if I wouldn't drop in, the whole thing would probably stil last. I'm sure you'd react the same way if someone was pushing you gf around, but gave absolutely nothing in return. So I started talking to my gf about this, we even had fights about this. She would resist the idea of sticking up for herself, until the whole thing went so far that her presure blew. Then they started fighting and broke the friendship.

And then I hear those goofy comments like: we were friends for soooo long...yada yada yada. So what does she? The victim goes to the perpetrator like nothing happenned and starts chatting again like old pals, while telling me she has no contact with that person and she would never ever talk to her, because of what she did to her.
Once I caught her typing an email to her (when the fights were stil in the air) but I acted like I didn't see to whom she wrote. Later I told her that I have a feeling that she emailed her and I bet it was the truth (I was playing like I had a feeling, I never told her that I actually saw to whom she wrote), so she played an act of an offended girlfriend and actually started crying...
I admit...that time it was my mistake...I should have told her that I saw the email.

As I said...for some thing she doesn't have a backbone. She's probably willing to forgive that lowlife just because they were friends since forever and she's hiding it from me because she's afraid of me.
So please don't look at her as the bad guy...just help me choose a way to act. I'm stil not entirely sure about telling her about the recent emails, cuz she tends to be pretty reckless....I mean....when upset, she's known to speak before thinking

P

P.S. Before you get the wrong impression, I have to add that she's one of the smartest girls I ever met...don't get the wrong impression with my comments about the speaking withoud thinking

[Converse]

You seem like a paranoid person, you could tell her about reading the e-mails it's good to be honest and all but that could end your relationship thus leading her to having trust issues about you.

[Punisher]

You seem like a paranoid person, you could tell her about reading the e-mails it's good to be honest and all but that could end your relationship thus leading her to having trust issues about you.

Well. I'm not entirely sure if I'd agree on being paranoid. I don't make a fuss out of nothing.
I have a strong...umm...where's a dictionary when you need one...let's say that when something isn't right, I just feel it. I don't know how to explain this. I can look someone in the eye and know exactly when he's lieing or hiding something...it was like that since I can remember. As I said, I wouldn't dream to read her emails. I knew her password for a looooooong time and I never even thought about using it. This time there was something telling me to do it and it was right...like always.

I stil trust her completely and I always will, I just want to "make it right"....but you have to understand...I don't wanna force her out. It's not only because I don't want to confess the email reading...I want her to come clean by herself. I love her and I owe her that much. You must understand that this isn't that a big problem for me...I indent to stay with her no matter what. I just want this to be out in the open, but not by force. I don't want to push her in a corner...I may have checked her emails, but I won't use that against her. It's enough to have that on my conscience...to actually use that against her, simply wouldn't be fair.

[vashti]

You are trying to control who her girlfriends are?

One thing to keep in mind is that no one can be "controlled" without the consent of the other. If your girlfriend is allowing it, she is getting something out it; she is not a victim.

It sounds like you and this girl are vying for the right to be the one to control your girlfriend.

[Punisher]

You are trying to control who her girlfriends are?

One thing to keep in mind is that no one can be "controlled" without the consent of the other. If your girlfriend is allowing it, she is getting something out it; she is not a victim.

It sounds like you and this girl are vying for the right to be the one to control your girlfriend.

See...that's why I didn't want to tell what went in the past. Cuz the story is long almost a year and a half and to tell in it in post is a crime and that's how replies like yours are born (no offense).

Noone is trying to control anyone. There are other things that happenned but I didn't and won't mention cuz for this topic and my initial question are irrelevant. The guy asked what went on and I gave a veeeeeeeery brief explanation, but you can be sure that that's not all. Heck, if the problem was about that, I would've left those two kill eachother, it would be their problem, not mine...

[vashti]

I don't really know what happened in her past because you didn't say much about it, but unless this girl is a former lover to your girlfriend, then I'd say it sounds like pretty typical girl stuff. If you don't like this friend, then ask your girlfriend to keep her away from you and tell her you don't want to relive her girl-drama with her; she can b*tch about her "victimhood" with her other girlfriends. You should stay out of girl stuff, and let your girlfriend decide who she wants to be friends with. You DID say you trust her, right??

[Converse]

I agree, Vashti FTW! =]

[Punisher]

OK listen, for the last time. I am not deciding for her who can she be friends with, understood?
You can call it typical girl stuff if you want, but you know nothing about it. You say I don't tell much about it and that's because it is irrelevant. I didn't want to start a discussion here about who is right and who is wrong and who made mistakes in the past.

I do trust her and that's the main reason why I won't tell you what happenned because with that I'd break her trust in me (and don't even mention the email thing at this point).