I'm lost... need some advice

[blue_butterfly]

I've been in a relationship for 4 years (I'm 25 now and this was the only relationship I've had so far) and now it's over because he felt we are going nowhere... We had some arguments about how he should offer me more of his free time (but not worse than others we had in the past) and after a few days of tension I wanted to have a discussion to solve the problem. Instead of making up, as I was expecting, he said he didn't want to continue this... after 4 years!!!

I tried to explain that I'm willing to sacrifice (he wants to start his own project, besides the job he has and that would have meant even less time with me) and that you just can't walk away after such a long time, but he was just looking at me coldly saying that he couldn't really explain it, but he was very sure he doesn't want to continue.

I feel like my life is falling apart. I really thought we were going to last. We were talking about having a wedding at some point and now he had changed his opinion radically.

How is it possible after so long to just walk away and not care anymore? Nobody who knew us and found out about what happened could believe this was the end for us. We really had a solid relationship and this could be seen from the outside.

I just don't know what to do to make all the hurting and anger go away. It doesn't seem fair to me that I dedicated myself fully to this relationship and that I didn't even get a real explanation of what happened to him that he just decided to let go.

I know there's no other way for me than just move on, but I just don't know how to do it. Can anyone help?

[misombra]

That sucks.

It's a common thing for people to get restless when they're so young and there are so many other things to do, and you have the energy to do them. Relationships settle people down (usually).

I'm sure it was hard for him and that he's just being cold so that he won't fall back.

Was there other stuff that was going on?

[blue_butterfly]

I can understand he might have gotten restless with his work plans. He really wants to become somebody. The problem is that all of a sudden, I didn't fit anymore is his dreams and future plans. When we used to fight in the past it was because I felt he was getting more and more focus on his work, leaving me aside. It's ok to want to be successful, but why does it have to be at your relationship's expense? And if he knew all the time he wanted to dedicate himself completely to his work, why did he wait for 4 years to put an end to what we had?

About his coldness... I don't know what to say. It was as if I had a total stranger in front of me. It seems to me he's changed over night and that he's this person I don't really know or understand. Whenever we used to go out, he would always be reserved as if everything bored him. He's the kind of person that's always sleepy. I used to be the energetic one, but I brought myself to the same level as him to make it work. And in the last week, he became this party animal that wanted to go out every night (without me). There's also this friend of ours that came from abroad for a week and he proposed him to be partners on a new project. This guy has had a very hurtful love experience and it seems to me that my boyfriend got influenced by this. There he had an example of how being alone and suffering can determine you to be more active professionally. I told him to think this well, if it's not only this guy's influence that's making him act this way and he said no.

There was also the fact that in the last few months I was really depressed because of my job. I didn't like it, but also didn't find the strength to start it all over in another place. It hurts a lot that he dumped me when I needed his support on this, but he said that I had been in this situation for too long. He had 2 episodes like this since we were together with the exact same behavior and loss of faith that everything could be ok again. I even helped him go through some very rough months when he didn't have any income and I helped him get the job he currently has (I was already working in that company and I recommended him for a very good position and also insisted on him being called for an interview as soon as possible). That's why I can't understand why he now has this "I don't care" attitude towards me and I somehow feel used.

Anyway, my conscience is clear. I did try everything, be supportive, accept his new plans even if that would have meant him working all day and me just being a shadow around him... there's no way back. Unfortunately we still work in the same company and now I'm struggling to get away from there as quickly as possible.

Is it possible he only stayed with me for as long as it was convenient for him? I sometimes feel that. When we started out we were both students and he was in a bad financial situation and now when he's finally ok, on the job I helped him get, he has this sudden change. I'm really confused and also angry and I'm afraid I won't be able to trust anybody from now on.

[SONOIL]

At least he was honest with you... There are worst cases(take a look at my story in your free time)... But let me ask you this, why would you wanna keep someone who doesn't wanna keep you? Relationship will not last unless both people contribute into it and satisfied with it. He's not ready or has someone else on his mind so let him go unless you want to go another 4 years without progress...

[Gigabitch]

Ouch.

I think it's for the best, really. It sounds like you weren't well-suited anyway, and I believe you would have been the one leaving him if you knew what else is out there. You'll find someone better for you, I'm sure of it.

Here's what you need to do right now:

Feel the anger and confusion fully. Wallow in it. Deal with it. This will take a couple of months for the whole thing to even hit you, and you'll go through all the stages of grief about it. That's okay- it's normal. Give yourself a deadline, though. Tell yourself you'll put it behind you on New year's Day, maybe.

Don't contact him at all. If it's over, it's over. Walk away with your head held high and don't even look back. If he comes to you with some idea about "being friends", tell him to check back in a year.

In a couple of months, start dating. I know you've got no experience with this, but you can do it. Just be careful not to get sucked into another big relationship. Date casually and be very clear with the guys that you're not available for anything serious.

You're really vulnerable right now, so get your friends involved to second-guess your judgment for a while. That's what friends are for.

[blue_butterfly]

I am grieving alright. I sometimes encourage myself that this is for the best and that it's better it happened now than later, but other times it feels like I'm back where I started (the final split happened a week ago). He actually proposed us being friends, but it just seems impossible right now. At work, I'm avoiding him as much as possible and don't feel like speaking to him. It would probably be better if we wouldn't have been living together (his sister was also living with us). I asked him to find rent somewhere else and move out, but this will only happen at the end of this week. In the meantime he's been sleeping at his friends and his sister stayed with me. She was actually very supportive and took my side.

In what dating is concerned, I don't feel so confident about it. I'm very afraid I won't find anybody nice out there for me. I feel that most guys are creeps. Once the grief goes away, I see myself is seeking another serious guy for a long term relationship. I feel that this is what's suited for me. Why do you say, dear Gigabitch (I love your username ), that I should only date casually?

[Gigabitch]

Once the grief goes away, I see myself is seeking another serious guy for a long term relationship. I feel that this is what's suited for me. Why do you say, dear Gigabitch, that I should only date casually?

I believe that it would be good for a couple of reasons. One is that I think you will have better discernment if you have more experience, and I don't mean sexual experience, just how to deal with different guys and seeing the difference in how they treat you. Another is that I think it will be good for your ego.

[Mish]

I feel like my life is falling apart. I really thought we were going to last. We were talking about having a wedding at some point and now he had changed his opinion radically.

How is it possible after so long to just walk away and not care anymore? Nobody who knew us and found out about what happened could believe this was the end for us. We really had a solid relationship and this could be seen from the outside.

I just don't know what to do to make all the hurting and anger go away. It doesn't seem fair to me that I dedicated myself fully to this relationship and that I didn't even get a real explanation of what happened to him that he just decided to let go.

I know there's no other way for me than just move on, but I just don't know how to do it. Can anyone help?

I feel your pain butterfly. But look on the bright side, sooner better than later? If it wasn't meant to last, maybe it's better that it ends before going any further. You can at least find solace in the fact that you gave it your best shot and you didn't have to invest even more of yourself before this relationship crumbled.

You will feel a lot of frustration and anger, but even worse after these subside you will feel something really terrible. Which is an emptiness and a raging in security which although you know is not true is none the less always there. You will have to deal with a lot of self doubt and questions such as "Am I failure?", "Will I always have failed relationships like these?" You will have to bear in mind that you haven't failed at anything and the great majority of people everywhere go through stages such as this.

Diversify your contact and spend time with people. Let the good will of people close to you slowly drain away your sorrow.

[squirrley]

Sweetie Ive been in your shoes, 10 yr relationship and out of the blue he ends it, to everyones suprise and we thought we were getting married too. But the fact was, he wasnt happy with the relationship. It took me a very long time to get over that, but I did. He's being cold because he doesnt know any other way to handle it.

You have to let go and find things to keep your mind occuppied. It will take awhile but you will get through it. I think its harder for us when its out of the blue and youre not expecting it. But the fact is they had been thinking about long before they told us! Geesh thanks for letting me on that secret. Theres nothing you couldve done to change his mind or change the relationship. Men crawl into their caves to think about things come out and bam! Were outta there!

You have to realize at some point down the road, it was for the best. It only opens more doors for you that youre just not expecting and amazing things will happen for you that will blow you away! You will almost experience the stages of a death of a loved one. I know in my exact experience, one day I want to thank the MOFO for ending it. It was miserable and thats not how I wanted to live my life.

At least he was honest with you and did it now rather than down the road and prolonged he bs. He may seem like the asshole of the year and probably is, but in years to come he'll become the OMG thank you! I found the person Im really suppose to be with!

[blue_butterfly]

Thank you all for your support. I was actually feeling better about what happened and getting ready to move on seeing so many encouragements from other people and reading other people's stories, trying to help too with a piece of advice here and there on this forum.

But then it happened! Yesterday I got to the bottom of this. It's not that I'm masochistic and insisted on digging up old graves, I was simply contacted by that friend of his that I was speaking of in the above posts; the one that had suffered badly after a love experience and the one he said he wants to start that work project with.

Anyway, this guy contacted me and I initially refused to talk to him. He was shocked and wanted to know why. Bit by bit, I found out that my ex didn't actually sign with him on this project (it was why he told me he's breaking up - he felt he really wanted to be part of this) and ... SURPRISE! there was a girl that was also going out with them all those nights when suddenly became a party animal (in 4 years he had the social activity and lust of life of a mole) and that she was full of life and made everyone around her feel happy... This friend also told me that at some point, my ex went out of the bar with her to have a talk as she saw him somewhat unhappy and it seems she helped him realize things...

I understand she's an HR employee in the same company we both work for and that she's studied sociology and really knows how "to bring the best" in people. I don't know what she did or said to him. All I know is that the guy I thought I knew and dedicated 4 years of my life to, came home to me the next day and told me we're done. No specific reason except for the wish to work more.

I contacted him to confront him with these facts (I know I was supposed to cut off completely, but felt I deserved this explanation from him). He said she had nothing to do with this, that there was just a Q&A session and in the end she told him to be sincere with himself. So he became sincere... it seems, for the first time in 4 years?!?

What am I supposed to believe now, that he was not being sincere all this time? There are thousands of things I can think of about how we continuously build up our relationship and now everything is shattered because made him realize that all this time he was insincere.

I'm sorry for all these long posts I've been writing, but I need to let it all out. I'm feeling now even greater rage. It's 5 AM and I can't sleep, cause I'm re-thinking all this crap in my mind. I don't want to go insane and I definitely can't understand what I've done to deserve this... I'm also thinking of contacting today that girl. I need to make her realize what she's done. I don't know what her intentions were, maybe she didn't know what she was doing. I feel that it's my duty to stop her from doing this again to somebody else, thats if she didn't do this on purpose. What do you guys think?

[vashti]

Bloody bastard! It sounds like even if he didn't do anything with this girl, he is certainly hoping to...

I don't know that I'd give her the satisfaction of letting her know you are grieving. I bet she is pretty impressed with herself about now, knowing she had the power to get a guy to dump his girl... she sounds slimy. It sounds like they deserve each other.

[Mish]

He said she had nothing to do with this, that there was just a Q&A session and in the end she told him to be sincere with himself. So he became sincere... it seems, for the first time in 4 years?!?

What am I supposed to believe now, that he was not being sincere all this time? There are thousands of things I can think of about how we continuously build up our relationship and now everything is shattered because made him realize that all this time he was insincere.

I'm sorry for all these long posts I've been writing, but I need to let it all out. I'm feeling now even greater rage. It's 5 AM and I can't sleep, cause I'm re-thinking all this crap in my mind. I don't want to go insane and I definitely can't understand what I've done to deserve this... I'm also thinking of contacting today that girl. I need to make her realize what she's done. I don't know what her intentions were, maybe she didn't know what she was doing. I feel that it's my duty to stop her from doing this again to somebody else, thats if she didn't do this on purpose. What do you guys think?

Him saying she had nothing to do with it is obviously a non-truth, a half truth at best. I personally don't think it really matters what he has to say on this matter. Actions speak louder than words. He obviously didn't have a lot of care of how his decision might affect you, your feelings, your dreams and your own goals in life. The fact that it's 5am in the morning and you can't sleep right now because of this, is probably not worrying him too much.

It will be very difficult for you to move on, 4 years together is a very long time. To make it easier the best you can do is cut yourself off of this tragedy, look after yourself and concentrate on what is really worthy of your attention. I agree with Vash, don't give them a satisfaction of seeing you hurt by this. Start re-building your confidence, before you know it your ex partner will be a small part of your past.