Letter of Despair

[vashti]

I don't know if he is aware of what it does to me as he probably thinks it's plain jealousy/simple female rivalry.

It is (along with insecurity).

[celestina]

It is (along with insecurity).

Yes it is, a jealousy that was triggered by one precise event. Not jealousy that just pops up of nowhere for the simple fact that I'm a woman.

I do not have this problem with my partner's other female friends and usually get along well with them.

But this particular case grieves me because of the abominable circumstances under which I've met this other woman.

If I had met her under other circumstances more serene than the actual, she would've been fine in my life.

[Charlie Boy II]

so he gave you the cold shoulder for a night - big. fat. f-cking. deal.

I'm sorry but no I don't understand why you're so bothered by this. Also I think your language is more than a little over the top, "letter of DESPAIR", "twisting the knife deeper into the WOUND". You don't write for a gossip mag do you?

Anyhow, I'm afraid I am so far from understanding why you are sill typing yourself up in knots about this that I won't be able to offer you any useful advice.

[celestina]

Also I think your language is more than a little over the top, "letter of DESPAIR", "twisting the knife deeper into the WOUND". You don't write for a gossip mag do you?

Oh sorry that's just my writing style. I love metaphors don't you?

Anyhow, I'm afraid I am so far from understanding why you are sill typing yourself up in knots about this that I won't be able to offer you any useful advice.

Thanks for everything you've said already.

[vashti]

You are elevating your insecurity to some "higher" level, perhaps in an attempt to make it appear more lofty to yourself than it really is. This is simple jealousy. The reason you haven't felt this way about other girls is because you didn't consider them to be a threat. This one - you DO see as a threat. Unless you have good reason to believe he is f*cking her, I'd forget about this. Insecurity is a MAJOR turn-off, and you said that aside from this one incident, he has been a great guy.

[misombra]

i don't know you guys. if my bf had a friendgirl that he once used to make me jealous and still hangs out with her, that would bother me.

yes i would be jealous. yes i would be territorial. i wouldn't even want to deal with it.

if you want to stay with this person then you need to get over it somehow. don't ask me how.

[IndiReloaded]

I agree w/everyone there is no point in continuing to tie yourself in knots over this, but I also agree w/Miso's last.

If this were a case of this gal & your BF being lifelong friends & you just don't like it, then too bad. But the fact that he used her to make you jealous screams 'asshole' to me. About her too, actually, if she was actually aware of it. I would NEVER let my friend use me to hurt someone, even a stranger, that way.

I think we should talk about your BF now you've decided to not send the letter. He sounds a bit of an emotional retard to me. Maybe you are a drama queen, but really, I think its more you were very hurt & the situation was never resolved.

FWIW, and not to freak you out, but I don't believe he doesn't have some feelings beyond friendship for his 'friend'. Is she taken somehow & therefore unavailable? He would be far from the first guy to lie to a girlfriend (and possibly even himself) about feelings for a friend that he can't have any other way. Guys just don't hang around girls like this & invest so much time & effort in a girl unless there is some hope of 'maybe' in the equation. Not that its wrong, mind, if they have good boundaries in place. But at the same time, don't ignore your gut about the whole thing. My two cents.

[celestina]

To those who don't wanna read the whole thing, just skip to the last 2 paragraphs.

* * *

I agree w/everyone there is no point in continuing to tie yourself in knots over this, but I also agree w/Miso's last.

If this were a case of this gal & your BF being lifelong friends & you just don't like it, then too bad. But the fact that he used her to make you jealous screams 'asshole' to me. About her too, actually, if she was actually aware of it. I would NEVER let my friend use me to hurt someone, even a stranger, that way.

My guy has lots of acquaintances and is a gentleman to basically anyone and anything. In fact, when we are in public, with friends, he will be a gentleman to others as much as he is to me. We don't do PDA's, don't brag about our relationship, and he treats all his friends and I, the same, to a point where some people actually think we're just friends (to those who are wondering, he is different in private).

But thank the Lord, he's also very shy, so he doesn't speak to many people. So the few friends he has, he surely wants to keep them close.

Due to all of this, I'm really not sure if the other lady was aware of our situation. And I'm schizophrenic so I usually see bitches everywhere, but though she's probably enjoying the attention she gets from him when she's gettin' it, there's a chance that she really is not conscious of my obsession with her.

I think we should talk about your BF now you've decided to not send the letter. He sounds a bit of an emotional retard to me. Maybe you are a drama queen, but really, I think its more you were very hurt & the situation was never resolved.

FWIW, and not to freak you out, but I don't believe he doesn't have some feelings beyond friendship for his 'friend'. Is she taken somehow & therefore unavailable? He would be far from the first guy to lie to a girlfriend (and possibly even himself) about feelings for a friend that he can't have any other way.

Now to the question if there could be any romantic feeling involved between him and this girl, or if he's liking her but just not able to get her...

I'll say my lover is a person to whom love is a serious issue; he is the most caring and loyal partner, and proves it quite well, not to mention that he spends mostly all of his time with me. Our relationship has been relatively perfect for almost 2 years.

But now that he's found out what a jealous whiny possessive lil bitch I am (these are hyperboles ok?), and since that night when I slept over at someone else's house, while he, all this time, was perfect to me, I'd fully understand if he was repulsed by me & my maniacal attitude and that he would be drawn to someone else who will most likely not give him such a hard time.

But apparently all he needed was a little revenge.

After that disturbing aberration which clearly made him feel a lot better, he still spends all his time with me, always invites me to join if he's planning a night out, and still acts like a lover in love.

Only difference is that he has a spare wheel now.

Guys just don't hang around girls like this & invest so much time & effort in a girl unless there is some hope of 'maybe' in the equation. Not that its wrong, mind, if they have good boundaries in place. But at the same time, don't ignore your gut about the whole thing. My two cents.

He doesn't invest time/effort in her. She might call him up a few times a month to go out but he stays home with me most of the time (no, I'm not pointing a knife at his dick).

So he basically only sees her when we go out and bump into her at parties, since we're all in the same social circle. Or when I'm out with friends, then maybe he'll do something with her.

So yes, if I keep giving him a hard time and torturing him about this one issue that we have... or rather that I have, sure, he'll probably end up in her arms.

And that's exactly what troubles me now. Since that fatal day when he's gotten closer to her, now we both know that he has someone to run to whenever things go wrong with me. Or simply when I'm just not there.

Which is what distresses me. To the point where I don't even go out with my friends anymore because I'm afraid he'll end up with her.

When I confront him about this, hell, not even confront! I'm so scared of mentioning this matter to him now... when I gently ask for some kind words of comfort, he'll always have the same damn irritated Charlie Boyesque reaction: "Stop asking for stupid things. You caused all of this anyway."

And the rest of the day is ruined.

I already know what his reaction is whenever I bring this up (and it will end with me crying), yet I feel like, to ever be able to get over this, all I need is his support concerning this one issue. So what is there left to do?

* * *

Now I need to chill out and especially I'm thanking you all for taking the time to read and advise me. As you've probably guessed by now I don't have many people to confide in, and it might not show but writing all about it and sharing this with you all has already done me a lot of good.

[bebi]

if i were to receive this letter from another woman, i would not feel as if this letter would give me enough sympathy where we could just be friends. seeing that the letter carries such profound anger/jealousy, it would not reassure me that the person writing it would even care to settle the situation and eventually become friends. maybe it's in a woman's nature to feel jealous, but there are limitations to being jealous. if you keep up with this behavior, your boyfriend may be fed up. men may realize that when a woman is a bit jealous, she may be worried about him and it may also allow him to realize that she cares. on the other hand, if you're extremely jealous and can't control it, men may find this to be a tiring act 'cause how long can they put up with it? perhaps you should try to settle your jealousy and anger and learn from this experience, rather than hold a life long grudge. what good would it do to you to think back upon this day or this other woman and feel ugly inside again? why frown when you can smile and live through a more carefree atmosphere with less drama?

[celestina]

why frown when you can smile and live through a more carefree atmosphere with less drama?

Done.

Thank u all ^.^ And Happy holidays to everyone!

[TheSphinx]

And that's exactly what troubles me now. Since that fatal day when he's gotten closer to her, now we both know that he has someone to run to whenever things go wrong with me. Or simply when I'm just not there.

Which is what distresses me. To the point where I don't even go out with my friends anymore because I'm afraid he'll end up with her.

I'm not sure of your age or relationship status, but it sounds like you're both hostage to your own insecurities.

Either get over this girl and forgive your boyfriend for what happened, or explain to him that you are still having a great deal of grief over him being friends with her. (Personally, the insecurity of the latter option would drive me away from a woman). What happens between them afterward is his decision.

Don't allow the possibility of his infidelity bar you from going out with your friends. If he uses his friend as "leverage" against innocent activities he feels threatened by, find someone else.

~Sphinx

[celestina]

Don't allow the possibility of his infidelity bar you from going out with your friends. If he uses his friend as "leverage" against innocent activities he feels threatened by, find someone else.

~Sphinx

It's alright Sphinx. I got it all figured out =] Thx for your reply & Merry Christmas!