Staying motivated in finding the right person?

[Michael6084]

How do you keep motivated with finding the right person?

Like I've gone through some shit like a lot of people have. Though, as a result I tend to second-guess girls or distrust many of them, even if they personally are probably okay. Like pretty girls I tend to dismiss as being as self-absorbed and a bit snobbish, yet ones who are nice I end up distrusting anyway.

How can I get over this trust issue type of thing?



BTW, I dont need your lame comments of how I need to "man up and stop being such a pussy." I know this forum has a tendency to have people like that and come in with those type of comments.

[vashti]

I think it is normal to start narrowing down potential dating interests a bit as you grow a little older because you begin to recognize character types you want no part of. For example, by "pretty girls" I assume you mean the type that look like high-maintenance attention whores. Who wants to be stuck with that forever?

As for developing trust, well that takes an investment of time. there is no real reason to NOT be cautious when you are talking about strangers. You don't want to become a bitter old guy because you cling to your mistrust, though. You have to just reveal yourself slowly, and trust just a little bit more on a progressive basis. You know? Be careful with where you invest your emotions.

[Tedel]

I'm not looking these days... I want to make my small company grow this year. I also think things need to be somewhat planned in people's life to avoid scr**ing things up.

I think there is someone out there for me, anyway. Next time I feel in the mood of looking for someone, I'd just say "hello, wanna go to a bar until you find me handsome?" or something funny to break the ice.

If she doesn't want, I'll continue walking. As a man, I'm already used to that.

The important point is this anyway... I won't be with anyone... She has to prove she's a good woman for me too.

I'm easy, but not that much.

[GrkScorp]

How can I get over this trust issue type of thing?

Honestly? Sounds like you just need to man up and stop being such a pussy..

I'm just kidding.. I couldn't resist.. but seriously now..,

Let's first look at why this is the case.. and then see how to try and get out of this temporary rut..

A word on the evolution of memory:

- Back in the day.., and i'm not talking like the 70's here.. more like the 2070's B.C., people didn't live in the same world.. when you left for work.. there was far less certainty that you would come back alive back then than there is today.., so going out to hunt or gather berries might seem pretty simple.. but it's important in the evolution of memory.. There were stories of monsters.. and death from hunts.. but this didn't stop people from hunting.. but when a hunter went missing or was found dead in a particular hunting ground.. that news was fresh in everyone's mind! All of a sudden.. these hunting grounds required more hunters or would be avoided alltogether.. (think of the rational behind this structure & function of memory.., a recent event.. and in nature.. likely to occur again).. the same goes for animal attacks (sharks).., and for poisonous foods such as "Bella Donna" berries that killed thousands in early human history..

A word on the nature of memory:

- People happen to remember the latest and most recent events better.. This is why good writers know how important a good conclusion is to a paper.. or why trial lawyers know how important a good closing is.., this also accounts for why people are less likely to travel via airplane after a major terrorist attack.. the probability of an other attack hasn't changed at all.. but the event is still fresh in everyone's mind.. the evolution of our memory has now triggered "fear" to motivate us to stay away from airplanes as a form of travel to avoid a similar fate.. on a primative level.. the (unconscious) mind doesn't understand small probabilities too well.. so until other recent events keep it busy.. it will continue to try and motivate you to stay away from otherwise unreal dangers by "fear"..

Now.., how does this relate at all to your issue?

- Think about it.. you've had a couple of bad events in the past.. and like you said.. we all have.., and those bad events are the strongest memories your have when you come into contact with someone new.. you don't want to go through the same pain.. you are afraid of that pain.. you want to avoid it.. so by default.. you are now skeptical and doubtful of everyone new.. (yes.. EVERYONE)

- When you meet a "pretty girl".., you actually allow yourself to be less skecptical and doubtful.. you are actually more trusting.. and that's not because you should be.. that's not because it's the safe or right thing to do.. but only because there is an other motivator there.. "attraction".. to nothing else but her looks or the way she dresses.. so you're willing to overlook the most likely fate that awaits you..

- On the other hand.., when you meet a girl who is not a "pretty girl".., you are still skeptical & doubtful.., when you fail to spot any dishonesty.. your doubt doesn't go away.. it turns into paranoia.. you are so afraid to get hurt.. that all that doubt actually puts you in the state of mind where you simply can't trust the other person.. you are overanalyzing every little thing and interpreting them as "dishonest" because that's what you're actively in the mental mode of doing.., to prevent the fear you have from materializing (emotional pain).. Without a powerful enough motivator like "attraction" in place.. this nice girl doesn't stand a chance in not being the victim of past emotions and trama others have caused you..

Before we get to how to eliminate this issue now.., I just want to point out that from looking at your original post.., you seem to be pretty aware for yourself what the situation is with the two types of girls.. that's good.. that's important.. that you realize that and are aware of that on your own already.. good..

But it's one thing to be able to point out the difference when you're on a forum.. and something totally different to be able to feel the difference when you're talking to this new girl.. Can you imagine being able to tell automatically when you meet that new girl.. if she's a self-absorbed girl or a nice girl.. and then being able to feel attracted or unattracted to her according to how genuine or dishonest she was? What do you think it would be like to be able to feel that almost automatically without even thinking.. but being right? I bet it would feel great.., weeding out the spoiled brats from the diamonds in the ruff.. giving that nice girl a chance.. realizing that she's being open and honest.. and there's nothing more to it than that.. and just being able to relax and be completely comfortable with those girls.. now.., it's one thing to imagine how that would be like.. but you don't just want to just be able to imagine it.. you want it to be how things really are.. and here's how to do that..

Make a list (it's private and personal.. so you can be completely honest with yourself):

- What 5 things do I like about a girl (looks)?
- What 5 things do I like about a girl (character)?
- What are 5 signs of someone being dishonest?
- What are 5 signs of someone being honest & genuine?
- Have I met girls I liked in the past that were dishonest?
- Have I met girls I liked in the past that were honest & genuine?
- What happened with the girls I liked that were honest & genuine? Why?

You can take as much time as you need before you're finished with your list.. Feel free to be as honest as possible.. only you will read it.. nobody else..., Read your list every day.. it only takes about 5-10mins depending how big your list is and how slow you read.. but each day.. as you read it.. try and notice something.., when you read your list.., notice how more trusting you are of the good girls.. and how easily you filter out the bad girls.. I don't know what you'll find more funny.., the whole idea of this little list.. or as you see it working.., the effects this little list can have.. but in either case.. re-post and let us know how it all goes after a couple of days/weeks..

Best,

GrkScorp

[Mish]

How do you keep motivated with finding the right person?

Like I've gone through some shit like a lot of people have. Though, as a result I tend to second-guess girls or distrust many of them, even if they personally are probably okay. Like pretty girls I tend to dismiss as being as self-absorbed and a bit snobbish, yet ones who are nice I end up distrusting anyway.

How can I get over this trust issue type of thing?

I admit it can be challenging. It takes some time to find the right person and as you go from one person to another it's sometimes hard to see the light at the end of the tunnell. Given enough negative experiences we sometimes start to second guess our selves, we start questioning the future "Will it always be like this?". You're not alone in this. It can be hard to keep at it especially when you consistently get the bad apples, mismatches that for one reason or another just don't seem to fit.

How do you keep motivated with finding the right person? Try looking at that light in the end. You know that every single step you make gets you closer to it, you just have to keep on going in that direction. It's simply not posible for the dice to keep rolling out the same numbers, eventually they are going to change

[Kromat]

GrkScorp u need to summarize your info, it seems more like a short story, or make it into an acrobat document.
Where do u get your info from?
Are those your personal experiences?
If you keep finding the wrong people, let the right people find u, i guess
It's a cruel and selfish World out there, but don't let the women take control.

[Michael6084]

GrkScorp u need to summarize your info, it seems more like a short story, or make it into an acrobat document.

Lol nah I read almost all of it and while I don't usually like to read GrkScorp's posts because they seem like short stories, it was actually quite helpful, along with everyone else's posts.

Yeah I guess I just gotta sit back a little. I'm only 19 after all and I've got plenty of years to worry about it. Besides, I want to become a banker some time after college.

While it does feel good to be single and independent, it just sometimes sucks.