Staying optimistic...?

[Indestructible]

My 21st birthday is coming up soon, and I always get down this time of the year... I always feel so alone (family aside, of course) on my birthday. I mean, I'm really introverted, so it's probably mostly my fault to begin with, but I don't really have "close" friends. I have friends that I see every now and then, but I'm not that big on socializing when I don't have to.

To be perfectly honest, I don't even care about "friends"; what I'd really like is something deeper, a "romantic" relationship. Of course, I'm miles away from that; I've never even so much as flirted with a girl, let alone been on a date. And I know, I know, I'm "still young, there's still plenty of time", but I hear that every year, and it's starting to feel like time is just slipping right on by me. The scary thing is, I've never met even one girl that I really wanted to pursue. Sure, I meet nice girls, or cute girls, etc., but never one that I feel a "spark" with. As introverted as I am, I think I still have decent opportunities to meet girls, too; I am in college, and also working part time at a retail store, after all. Yet, haven't hit it off with a single girl.

What's worse is, I don't foresee any major changes to my life in the next few years. So I can't help but think, I'll be sitting here 3-4 years from now, still single, still disappointed. I gotta wonder, how the heck do I stay optimistic in this? I want to believe there's still time, and that there's some one, somewhere, out there for me, but it's getting harder and harder to believe. What's the trick to staying optimistic?

[afterhourz]

Well, I think I am in the same relative boat as you, and may be able to help. Being 5 months away from 21 myself, I often find myself in the same destructive pattern near my birthdays.

Basically, you've already stated what your problem is. You don't socialize as much. And unfortunately, most people need to be pretty active socially, in order to meet new people, and maybe even find someone to connect on a deeper level with.

Are you physically attractive? Not as in, facial looks. Since there isn't much we can do about our faces. But if you are not active, I would suggest going to the gym... that will likely boost your esteem up.

Find friends to hang out with, and since you're almost 21, you can start going to 'adult' hangouts, basically everywhere you couldn't go up until now.

We just need to be confident, and assertive. Girls won't be attracted to an introverted person who doesn't believe in himself. It's a lot easier to say I know, but if you keep it up, find some new/current friends to hangout with, you will eventually find someone, or they will find you? Break up the monotony... don't look at it as 3 years of the same ol, because it certainly will be that, if you don't change it up yourself to begin with.

Just don't make this a self fulfilling prophecy, is my best advice. The reason I am not meeting any new girls in my area, is simply because there are virtually 0 girls that are single. Most of them have boyfriends, most of which are complete dicks. But I can't change that. But I travel a lot, and have a lot of social circles to hang around in. So when that special girl does cross my path, I will be ready. I hope you will be too. Good luck.

[flea]

why does everybody always say "find some friends, and get out more", etc? he already said that socialising wasn't his thing, and it's something that shouldn't be forced or it will come off exactly as that.

I was exactly like you at 21, and I'm still working at making it better. I was very lucky to have had a gorgeous person who loved me through all of it (and she's still here ), and never gave up on me. unfortunately you don't have that luxury, but don't despair....you see, when I met this wonderful person she and I didn't 'click' either. the world didn't turn in slow motion when I met her, and fireworks didn't explode into the night when we kissed for the first time. as a matter of fact, I wasn't particularly attracted to her at first, but in the end we turned out to be a good pair because we worked at it over a number of years and moulded what we had into the undeniable love we have today.

'clicking' does happen, I won't say it doesn't. just don't rely on some romantic fantasy ideal portrayed in countless crapola movies to base your love-life on. a great deal of successful enduring relationships are at their hearts a lot of hard work. but not tedious, horrible work. you know the kind of work where you're completely exhausted by the end, but very proud/glad you achieved your goal kind of work? yeah, that kind.


good luck, Indestructible. I hope you find a way to make it 'work' for you.

[Indestructible]

Are you physically attractive?

Haha, I'd say no. True, I could probably stand to lose a few pounds and get in better shape, but to he honest, I don't think I'm in that bad of shape (besides, I'm way too self-conscious to go to a gym, and don't have enough follow-through to consistently work out on my own). Most of my "unattractiveness" comes from things I can't control; namely, my height (5'3"-ish), and the naturally "boyish" look to my face. Most people mistake me for being very young, even had a few people tell me they thought I was under 12 just after looking at me. I've tried growing facial hair, and whatnot, but at best, people just think I'm in my early teens just happening to hit puberty... @_@ It's hard to find a girl my age when I look like I should just be entering high school. :/

'clicking' does happen, I won't say it doesn't. just don't rely on some romantic fantasy ideal portrayed in countless crapola movies to base your love-life on. a great deal of successful enduring relationships are at their hearts a lot of hard work. but not tedious, horrible work. you know the kind of work where you're completely exhausted by the end, but very proud/glad you achieved your goal kind of work? yeah, that kind.

Yeah, I mean, I don't expect some "magic" movie moment, but I'm more of a "friends first" kind of guy. That is, I like to get to know a girl a bit and see how we interact before I start cooking up ideas about us dating. Of course, I try not to be too overly friendly (as to avoid falling into the "friend zone" trap), but it typically doesn't matter, because I don't feel that "chemistry" with, well, any girl, really.

[afterhourz]

"why does everybody always say "find some friends, and get out more", etc?"

Uhh... everyone says that... because it's true? Human beings are supposed to be very social creatures. You dont find your soulmate staying at home, do you?

[flea]

"why does everybody always say "find some friends, and get out more", etc?"

Uhh... everyone says that... because it's true? Human beings are supposed to be very social creatures. You dont find your soulmate staying at home, do you?

what I meant is it's an over-simplification, and nowhere near as easy as it sounds for some people.

and who says humans are supposed to be social creatures? are you saying that if you're not that something is wrong with you? bah! the accepted norms of society don't reverberate with everyone you know, so go ahead and stay in your little box of 'normality'. some of us are just fine treading our own paths, and shouldn't be made to feel wrong by the masses because of it.

[Gigabitch]

Humans have evolved to be social creatures, flea. We are too weak to survive, as a rule, without one another. Posting on a forum is a very social activity, isn't it?

[flea]

that's not really what I meant, I personally hate feeling obliged to be social. forums are different, because you can drop in and out of the conversation whenever you feel like it.

I used to be very social, but just slipped backwards on that a number of years ago, due to many factors. in a lot of ways I wish I could be that way again, but it's not as easy as socialites would like to proclaim....that was kinda my point.

well that, and you shouldn't be made to feel like leper because you're not comfortable in social situations.

[Gigabitch]

I see what you're saying, but I do agree with whoever said that the OP should try to connect with people. Loneliness is scary sometimes.

[Indestructible]

Well, don't get me wrong, I'm not, like, completely cut off from people. Like I said, I'm taking college classes, and working in a retail store, so I have plenty of opportunities to meet people and whatnot. I suppose I could be even more social than that, but I just have a really hard time pushing myself, in that regard.

[flea]

yeah sorry mate, didn't mean to hijack your thread with my hang-ups. I'm being negative for no reason.

afterhourz has some good points too, but meeting people isn't just 'getting out there'. maybe you have to open yourself a little more so people get to know you, not the representative figure most of us put out when meeting someone.