torn and need input

[engineerish]

hey, im new here, i am just looking for a fresh set of eyes on my situation. sorry for the long read, i understand if its too long.

me and my girl are about to have been together for 3 years. we met when i was in my last year of college. lived together for 2 years. recently we moved apart (its a really long story, but it had nothing to do with our relationship) she moved home, and i moved in with a friend.
i am 27, she is 21. i am very immature (as in i love fart jokes, and being sarcastic, i also work as an engineer for a large firm in new york city, so basically i play as hard as i work if u understand what i mean) and love being spontaneous and dont really let much worry me. i never have a plan. she is total opposite, she likes to have a good time, but she is very much a gotta have a plan, and if it doesnt work out, she gets mad type person.

but i need someone like her, and her me. we sit around wondering how the hell we are still dating, but it seems to work

(this is very weird for me to type this, i have never told anyone about this, only talked to friends who are obviously partial, even as much as they try not to be. )

anyway, so the problem is that she lately (past year or two), can never enjoy herself, and she has this crazy temper. background: she lost her father at a young age so she has had a rough background so to speak, her mom is amazing, but her only other sibling, her brother, is getting into problems with drugs lately which i can openly see puts a strain on their family dynamic.
she also doesnt have many friends besides me. her friends haave been sorta in the wind so to speak, which sucks because i have a lot of friends, and know that sometimes you need someone else to vent to.
anyway, she has a reason to be in a bad mood sometimes but she takes it out on me. i tell her that i dont deserve an attitude when i am not a part of the problem.

anyway, the problem lies here. we seem to fight so much lately, and its always the same thing, she is in a bad mood (seemingly all the time) she complains about things to me, and i try to fix them for her and she gets mad.
i try to lay off. i know that women dont want a problem solver all the time, they just need a set of ears.

another huge issue for me lately, is that some of my friends (my sister in particular who is my best friend basically ) notice her doing this to me (getting mad at me for the dumbest things), and they are protective of me (as i am of them) and they have told me before that they dont think i should deal with her treating me the way she does. and i defend her to the nine, but always when we are with my friends she seems to freak out and prove them right, which sucks.

i really want our relationship to work. she does make me happy, she is beautiful, she is very smart (us not living together is because she is doing an internship to become an RD), she makes me smile when i wake up next to her, but its almost like she is two different people when that attitude snaps.

its always ur friends who know u the best, i know that, but im not going to make a decision, about this, solely on their input. sometimes i want to leave her, but either its my undying optomism, or whatever, i always feel like it will get better. for so long it seems i have been thinking that.
i need a girl who is going to be positive (the way she was when we met). i dont know what to do.
anyone around here have any advice, does this even make sense?
sorry for the long read.
thanks for any and all input.

[heavnlyblu22]

You might want to try talking to her and let her know that her moods are putting a strain on your relationship. She may have had a rough past, but that doesn't give her a free ticket to take things out on you and treat you horribly. She needs to find a healthy outlet to channel her anger. If she needs to vent, counseling is a good way to go. She may get something positive out of it, like help in dealing with her past, and she also wouldn't be dumping on you all the time. Something needs to change though, because you're obviously not satisfied and your needs have to be met, too.

[engineerish]

You might want to try talking to her and let her know that her moods are putting a strain on your relationship. She may have had a rough past, but that doesn't give her a free ticket to take things out on you and treat you horribly. She needs to find a healthy outlet to channel her anger. If she needs to vent, counseling is a good way to go. She may get something positive out of it, like help in dealing with her past, and she also wouldn't be dumping on you all the time. Something needs to change though, because you're obviously not satisfied and your needs have to be met, too.

thanks for the input.
i have told her the way i feel, as u can see by the long post, i am a talker, and i tell her the way i feel, and she always seems to take negativity as an attack. which turns her into "defend mode" which only propogates (sp) arguments. only thing i never told her (in three years of dating) is the way my friends feel about the situation.
i want them to like her, but feel if she knew this, she wouldnt be able to let it go.

one thing i didnt mention specifically, is that by her lack of friends, she is extremely clingy, for lack of a better word. which is fine, i consider her my best friend, so clingy is ok, but for a relationship to work, and this i told her in the beginning of out relationship, is that we both need to be individuals.
but if i say im going out with my friends, for say, a guys night out, she will just find some reason to be upset and text me all night, which sucks, its like she cant let anyone have a good time if she isnt also having a good time.
dunno.
should i tell her the strain i feel between my friends and her constantly proving them right. should i bounce, i dont know. ugh, this whole love thing sucks ass.

[heavnlyblu22]

Has she always been so manipulative and defensive? It sounds like she acts pretty selfishly, be it purposeful or not. You've opened the lines of communication and tried to work through the problem and she is being childish by always making you seem like the bad guy and attacker. Basically she is manipulating you into guilt when you talk to her and she gets defensive and upset. She's turning the situation around and ignoring your needs and opinions. She sounds like she has control and self-esteem issues, so if you do tell her your friends don't like her, I doubt she'll take it as constructive criticism. She probably won't let it go. You're right about needing to be individuals. You need to have time alone and time with your friends, apart from her, and she needs to do the same. Not only to give you both a chance to get away from each other once in awhile, but it helps your relationship deepen. By doing things individually you have more experiences to bring back and share, and that ultimately helps your relationship grow.
It sounds to me like you feel a little suffocated and you want out, but you're just not ready to commit to that decision. Even if you don't break up with her, it might help to distance yourself for a bit so that you both can figure things out. You need to figure out if it's worth it to stick around - is this how you want things to be forever? Probably not - and it's doubtful that she's going to stop with her controlling and angry behavior. You deserve a healthy relationship with a mutually caring person. I understand wanting to believe that things will get better. I've done it myself plenty of times, and sometimes they do just get better. But you've waited a long time already. How long are you willing to wait?

[engineerish]

Has she always been so manipulative and defensive? It sounds like she acts pretty selfishly, be it purposeful or not. You've opened the lines of communication and tried to work through the problem and she is being childish by always making you seem like the bad guy and attacker. Basically she is manipulating you into guilt when you talk to her and she gets defensive and upset. She's turning the situation around and ignoring your needs and opinions. She sounds like she has control and self-esteem issues, so if you do tell her your friends don't like her, I doubt she'll take it as constructive criticism. She probably won't let it go. You're right about needing to be individuals. You need to have time alone and time with your friends, apart from her, and she needs to do the same. Not only to give you both a chance to get away from each other once in awhile, but it helps your relationship deepen. By doing things individually you have more experiences to bring back and share, and that ultimately helps your relationship grow.
It sounds to me like you feel a little suffocated and you want out, but you're just not ready to commit to that decision. Even if you don't break up with her, it might help to distance yourself for a bit so that you both can figure things out. You need to figure out if it's worth it to stick around - is this how you want things to be forever? Probably not - and it's doubtful that she's going to stop with her controlling and angry behavior. You deserve a healthy relationship with a mutually caring person. I understand wanting to believe that things will get better. I've done it myself plenty of times, and sometimes they do just get better. But you've waited a long time already. How long are you willing to wait?

first off, thanks a ton for listening.
but yeah, it kinda seems as though u have nailed the way i feel, and my friends have told me they feel, on the head.
us not living together i thought may be the space i need, but its not because now she just complains about her family bothering her, and now she wants to chill every day, but my new place is like half hour away from her, and i get home from work and need to just take care of whatever i need to do and chill for an hour then sleep. but she is always like i thought we were going to chill its (fill in reason, cus there always seems to be one)
days we dont chill (cus i wont allow myself to just bow to her every need, and i refuse to sacrifice things i need to do (bills, excercise, friends, my fish, etc.) just to chill with her, cus she refuses to come to my new place unless we are "hanging out" which translates to "not doing anything else but chilling with her and talking even if there is nothing to talk about, or doing whatever, as if we havent seen each other in ten years."
but i often times find myself putting things off, cus if i do make myself available to her, she is happy. i love when she is happy and things are good, and i am always talking myself into making her happy, but the result is me not doing my own thing, or arguing with her all night for whatever reason.
typing it like this makes it so obvious, but i always try to play devils advocate. am i just fooling myself?
i dunno, it pains me to think the unthinkable, cus certain aspects seem so right, but u are correct, how long am i willing to wait for it to be perfect?

[heavnlyblu22]

It always feels good to make the other person happy, and it's very of you to do it. But it needs to be balanced - you're both in the relationship here, and it needs to be reciprocal, meaning she needs to make you happy, too. (And that should be apart from the happiness you get from making her happy.)

Also, it's one thing to make her happy, but the fact that you have to bend over backwards to do it is scary. She should be happy just being with you or talking to you. She should be happy when you're happy. But she's only happy when she gets what she wants and when you're catering to her. With those kinds of demands, I can completely understand you're need for alone time; even without those demands, time alone is still necessary. The fact that you two don't live together right now worries me - imagine what she'll be like when you do. If you can't be alone now, it'll probably only get worse. Keep in mind that just because you want to bail on her, you're not the bad guy. She isn't putting you first or listening to you. You should have a stable relationship with someone who makes you happy all the time - not someone you feel like you need to get away from or tiptoeing around to avoid getting yelled at.

Your friends know you best. Usually, if one friend doesn't like your girlfriend then maybe they just don't click. But if they're all having issues with her, then they're probably seeing something that you're blind to. That in and of itself is a red flag - after all, they just want what's best for you.

[engineerish]

yeah its funny, one of my best guy friends, who i recently talked and advised through breaking up with his longterm gf, and he tells me that my girl, when im not around, is totally normal, its just when im around that she gets weird. and obviously that sounds suspicious, but i totally trust them both, so its not like that, its just weird that when im around, is when he cant stand her.

[Mish]

i have told her the way i feel, as u can see by the long post, i am a talker, and i tell her the way i feel, and she always seems to take negativity as an attack. which turns her into "defend mode" which only propogates (sp) arguments.

A lot also depends on how you say the things you say. There is a general complaint and then there is criticism. A complaint is aimed at an issue rather than a person and ussually start with expression of how you feel in a certain situation, it's a way to give an opportunity for the other person to empathize with you and your situation. A criticism is an attack on the person, ussually stated as "You never do this", "Why are you so selfish doing ...", "When you say something like that people think you're an idiot" etc. Generally complaints inspire a listening ear, while criticism provokes defensive stance. She sounds very sensitive (perhaps due to a rough upbringing mentioned earlier) maybe it will be a good idea to look into how you can formulate your complaints to make them into mirrors into your soul to inspire listening. You will need to eliminate any type of wording that may be interpretted as offensive (which will not be easy, you'll have to watch the slip of the toungue).

only thing i never told her (in three years of dating) is the way my friends feel about the situation.
i want them to like her, but feel if she knew this, she wouldnt be able to let it go.

In my opinion, friends have a tendency to complicate things in a relationship more than they help. They will be naturally biased against her because their interest is in your well being not hers. Thus, you have to be very careful how you talk to them about her, how you describe her to them, how you generally paint her. If you have problems, try to approach other people, not your really close friends who will be biased against her not only at present, but in the future as well. If you want them to like her, simply start talking about her good qualities to them and how much she makes you happy, theinr interest in your well being will make them change their negative opinions about her.

one thing i didnt mention specifically, is that by her lack of friends, she is extremely clingy, for lack of a better word. which is fine, i consider her my best friend, so clingy is ok, but for a relationship to work, and this i told her in the beginning of out relationship, is that we both need to be individuals.

Clinginess is ussually the first sign of insecurity. She has lost her father, that should be a rough indication on how she feels about loosing a man. Most of us experience feelings of insecurity (including you and me). Only some people experience them mildly as a passing thought and others (who had been through significant loss in their life) experience insecurity in a much deeper and depressing way. Maybe her case is the later, if it is and if you care about her then you will have to exercise utmost understanding in this regard.

Don't forget her age. She's 6 years younger than you. 21 from my point of view, is not yet an adult.

ugh, this whole love thing sucks ass.

You better believe it and what else? It's also a lot of work. It's always a lot of work. Sometimes the workload differs, but if you wanted to be in a long term committed relationship you should always be ready for work. And this girl will be a lot of work for you. You don't have to agree with this amount of work and leave her. Or you can accept this workload and see how much imrovement you and her can achieve in this relationship and how the two of you can make it better.