So lost and confused, I just dont know how to help.

[HomerSimpson]

People this is my story. I am in love with my best friend, but I have never ever crossed any line with her. She met the man she is with when she was 15 and he was 25. They have been married for 23 years, and the marriage has been verbally abusive and violent as in him throwing things, punching holes in the wall, etc. She finally got the courage to leave him, but went right back after two months. During that two months I got even closer to her, but never ever crossed any lines because she needed me as a friend. I love her as a friend first over anything else. During that time she has admitted to me all the abuse, that he is a father figure, and most importantly she does not love him. She went back to him, because her pastor advised her to, and because she says he has changed. I have told her only time will tell, but she is so closed mined it she doesnt listen. I see her everyday, but soon that may change. She says that he is now going to allow her to school so she is going to quit her job. I am worried sick over this because if he returns to his old ways and she has no job even if she gets the courage to leave she will not have the means to do so. It seems lately she has been distancing herself from me, but than again maybe its just me because she has had a lot to deal with. This is someone who I love with my heart and soul, and I do not know what to do. She means everything to me as a friend, and I write this as the concern of a friend. A lot of people may say she must want to be there because she is there, but this is someone since age 15 has been told what to do. Even if she told me that she felt the same way as I did I would tell her we would need to wait, because she needs to find herself as a person first, because she has never been given that oppertunity. What do I do? I know if she quits I will not be able to be there for her each day or just whenever she needs me. She knows I love her, but I dont know if she even knows what true love is or even allow herself to love anyone else because she is very religious. What do I do to convince her to not make any fast decisions, and wait and see if her husband doesnt go back to his old ways. I have another question that is more directed to the females. I have thought about writing her a letter revealing all my worries, my true feelings regarding everything, and things about myself that I have never told her. Should I do this? Is doing something like this not manly? To me if she told me she was leaving him, and moving away to start over than I would be the happiest person on earth, because than I would know she would be giving herself a chance to live. What do you think, about writing the letter, about everything? The sad thing is her mother is in a relationship where the guy beats her, but she continues to go back everytime.

[shh!]

It sounds like she has chosen this life. There is nothing for you to do... she had the opportunity to get out, and she didn't take it. I know you want to see her as a victim in this relationship, but she IS getting something out of it, even if you can't see what it is.

Now about you: you say you are her friend, but that isn't true. You love her in a way that is not plutonic. At most, I say you should tell her you love her, and if she ever gets rid of her husband, you'd be interested. Then, you should cut all contact. She will either choose you, or she won't, but you shouldn't hang around and complicate her life with her husband.

[Mish]

It seems lately she has been distancing herself from me, but than again maybe its just me because she has had a lot to deal with.

Or it could be because she finds your attention unwanted.

A lot can be going on beneath the surface that you are not aware of. I agree wtih Shh, she made her choice, she is an adult, she knows what's best for her. You can't tell her what she wants for her. If it's her decision to stay in a bad relationship with all the consequnces that entails, who are you to say that she should not?

[HomerSimpson]

It is just so hard after hearing I dont want to be there but its the right thing to do. Having to hear I dont love him, but my pastor told me I might learn to love him one day.

[miSSleepy]

Now about you: you say you are her friend, but that isn't true. You love her in a way that is not plutonic.

....

....

The whole pastor thing makes me sick... I'll keep out so I don't put my foot in it.

[Mish]

It is just so hard after hearing I dont want to be there but its the right thing to do. Having to hear I dont love him, but my pastor told me I might learn to love him one day.

That's understandable and I can see why this doesn't seat well with you. Though, she does have a mind of her own. If she is so easily persuaded by someone to give up on her best interests in life then how can anyone help her? If I were you I'd be really asking myself if this is someone I really want to associate with.

[shh!]

....

Damn, I knew that didn't look right!

*platonic