Distructive relationship behaviour

[vashti]

All you are giving us to work with is your defensiveness about dating teenagers. Until you want to contribute something more meaningful, I'm afraid no one can help you.

[Indignant]

thats very true, but as of yet i havent heard any constructive advice, i have heard that i am chasing a child, that i need to grow up. Nothing relating at all advice around trying to develop myself personally to enjoy a relationship, which is the advice i saw looking for - but maybe you dont have the answer to that one either?

Maybe you are not asking the right questions and therefore not getting the right answers?

[casco]

All you are giving us to work with is your defensiveness about dating teenagers. Until you want to contribute something more meaningful, I'm afraid no one can help you.

but thats the point i'm making - the teenage thing isnt an issue for me - its an issue for both of you! You are the ones who have a problem with it, i dont! I'm the one looking for meaningful contribution.

[Indignant]

In terms of what I have to show for myself - i have everything i life i could want, other than a fulfiling relationship. I earn over $160k a year, i have a second job as a volunteer worker for ex-convicts for some personal fulfilment, i have a wonderful group of friends, great family, a lovely house, nice car. There is nothing I have said to suggest i have nothing in life, which is what you seem to suggest, presumably because you associate those who are not good at relationships as saddos.

huh? who are saddos? are you a Libra?

[casco]

huh? who are saddos? are you a Libra?

no, an Taurus, but i dont follow astrology, its something which gives a false sense of hope and direction

[Indignant]

I've posted a couple of times about a girl I am mad over at the moment who is young and although i think shes messing me about, the bottom line is shes just young and being "18"
The fact is hasnt worked out has been another blow to me, as at 29, i've only had 1 serious relationship (2yrs), and the rest are over in under 4 months usually.

Its been bugging me for a long time that I probably can't hold down a relationship because of the values and standards i set myself, and also the girls i am with. Plus, i just CANT seem to relax in a relationship, and go into them with a very negative attitude, expecting the worst to happen, so I end up looking out for reasons as to why it wont work.
This is going to sound big-headed, but I am a good looking guy, I have been asked out by most of the girls i have been with, and have model scouted twice. But i think i am being shallow by putting too much emphasis on my looks, and thats been my downfall.
[COLOR="red"]Does anyone else relate to my sad feelings about not being "good" at relationships?
Any thoughts?

this is what you gave us to work with, what can i say?

[casco]

this is what you gave us to work with, what can i say?

if you want to genunily help, ask me some sensible questions about my situation and thoughts, and i'll give you an honest answer.

[Indignant]

if you want to genunily help, ask me some sensible questions about my situation and thoughts, and i'll give you an honest answer.

ha ha, i am not imposing myself on you. you were the one asking for what was it? any thoughts? or if anyone could relate? we gave you our thoughts and no, we can't relate.

[Gigabitch]

Well, casco, I'd love to hear what your counselor had to say about it all. Really. I'm all ears.

[IndiReloaded]

Well, casco, I'd love to hear what your counselor had to say about it all. Really. I'm all ears.

Also, I'd like to know why he broke up with the 33 year old chiropractor. Did she dump you, Casco? If so, she must have given you some reasons. The distance isn't usually enough reason to give up on an otherwise good relationship.

[Indignant]

Well, casco, I'd love to hear what your counselor had to say about it all. Really. I'm all ears.

Who cares what they said? They are mostly fakes and mental cases anyway. When someone needs a kick in the ass, they'd rather medicate them.

[Aeradalia]

Hi All,

I've posted a couple of times about a girl I am mad over at the moment who is young and although i think shes messing me about, the bottom line is shes just young and being "18"

Sounds like you were expecting this to fail by not really being surprised of her 'being 18.' Most (but not all) women at the age of 18 are not capable of handling the complexities of a meaningful relationship. I was 19 when I married and had a functioning marriage for 5 years... and though I was naive I did have a sense of responsibility. I'm sure you may find a 'responsible' 18 year old... but their immaturity (despite the best efforts of some) will leave much to be desired in the relationship... may even contribute to the failure of a relationship. Have you ever wondered if you unwittingly selected this 18 year old because some part of you sensed that these difficulties could eventually lead to the ending of the relationship? Thus satisfying your self-fulfilling prophecy that plays out in your subconscious?

The fact is hasnt worked out has been another blow to me, as at 29, i've only had 1 serious relationship (2yrs), and the rest are over in under 4 months usually.

Seems like at one point you may have given a genuine effort... whereas with other relationships your heart may not have truly been in the effort required to give them a real chance.

Truth is, today i went to a counsellor to discuss this. Its been bugging me for a long time that I probably can't hold down a relationship because of the values and standards i set myself, and also the girls i am with.

Knowing what these values and standards are could help with giving you advice... as well as what kind of girls you find yourself with.

Plus, i just CANT seem to relax in a relationship, and go into them with a very negative attitude, expecting the worst to happen, so I end up looking out for reasons as to why it wont work. This all stems from a very sad experience I had with my first serious relationship, and its turned into a habit.

What bad experience? Sometimes when something bad happens to us... we tend to play over the events in our mind. If the bad experience is great enough... we may subconsciously encourage similar events in life to play out eerily similar to the events of that bad experience.

The bottom line is I am insecure in relationships, but although i am not clingy or outwardly jealous, i do expect relationships to advance quickly, so this must be offputting for girls, and i am not giving them space or allowing the relationship to take a pace.

Why the rush? Even if you were to advance the relationship faster... speed is no guarantee of success. If there is nothing there... speeding it up will just help you to reach it's inevitable end sooner. The quality of the relationship and the effort of both partners is where you'll have the greatest chance of establishing a healthy relationship.

This is going to sound big-headed, but I am a good looking guy, I have been asked out by most of the girls i have been with, and have model scouted twice. But i think i am being shallow by putting too much emphasis on my looks, and thats been my downfall.

Though I could think of many reasons as to how this could lead to your downfall... I'd like to hear how you think it leads to your downfall. Perhaps examining your thought processes on this might give you some new insight.

Does anyone else relate to my sad feelings about not being "good" at relationships? I told my counellor today that i doubt i'll ever marry as i cant advance a relationship far enough, and i meant it too.

Any thoughts?

Everyone worries about having or maintaining a good relationship from time to time. However, you need to learn why you worry about relationships excessively. Learn where these fears originate from and learn how to control them and not have them control you.

[casco]

Also, I'd like to know why he broke up with the 33 year old chiropractor. Did she dump you, Casco? If so, she must have given you some reasons. The distance isn't usually enough reason to give up on an otherwise good relationship.

She didnt dump me no, she was in my country working as a chiropractor to gain some experience on a points based system, then went back to Australia after her 2 years was done. I couldn't face moving away from friends and family, in the same way she couldnt face being away from hers.

[casco]

Well, casco, I'd love to hear what your counselor had to say about it all. Really. I'm all ears.

she initially told me not to focus on the negatives and too look at the positives in life (and through what i have learned in previous relationships and use the experience constructively) - which is exactly why i gave up on listening to the piss poor comments from indignavashti (they may as well be the same person).

What some of you are failing to spot is that whilst you thinking you are giving good advice, what you are really doing is proving my point, which is there is just no pleasing some women, they choose to hear what they want and like to manipulate the situation to belittle men at any given opportunity.

Its nice to know that this girl i was with isnt the only female who just doesnt "get it". There are others, as this thread has proved.

[Gigabitch]

When entering into a relationship with a significant age gap you must understand that you've got the deck stacked against you. Keeping it together is hard enough without added stressors like that.

Look, you tried. It didn't work. Think about it- most relationships don't work. Every relationship I've ever had with the exception of the one I'm in right now has ended. I don't know if that will make you feel any better about it, but there it is.

Do like the rest of us do- scrape your ass up off the ground and go out looking for something else.