Distructive relationship behaviour

[casco]

Hi All,

I've posted a couple of times about a girl I am mad over at the moment who is young and although i think shes messing me about, the bottom line is shes just young and being "18"

The fact is hasnt worked out has been another blow to me, as at 29, i've only had 1 serious relationship (2yrs), and the rest are over in under 4 months usually.

Truth is, today i went to a counsellor to discuss this. Its been bugging me for a long time that I probably can't hold down a relationship because of the values and standards i set myself, and also the girls i am with. Plus, i just CANT seem to relax in a relationship, and go into them with a very negative attitude, expecting the worst to happen, so I end up looking out for reasons as to why it wont work. This all stems from a very sad experience I had with my first serious relationship, and its turned into a habit. The bottom line is I am insecure in relationships, but although i am not clingy or outwardly jealous, i do expect relationships to advance quickly, so this must be offputting for girls, and i am not giving them space or allowing the relationship to take a pace.

This is going to sound big-headed, but I am a good looking guy, I have been asked out by most of the girls i have been with, and have model scouted twice. But i think i am being shallow by putting too much emphasis on my looks, and thats been my downfall.

Does anyone else relate to my sad feelings about not being "good" at relationships? I told my counellor today that i doubt i'll ever marry as i cant advance a relationship far enough, and i meant it too.

Any thoughts?

[vashti]

Did I understand you correctly? You are upset that a relationship with an 18 year old kid didn't work out, and you are 29? Why aren't you dating women who are more age-appropriate? Do you find they require more out of you than simply your good looks?

[casco]

Did I understand you correctly? You are upset that a relationship with an 18 year old kid didn't work out, and you are 29? Why aren't you dating women who are more age-appropriate? Do you find they require more out of you than simply your good looks?

no you've missed the point totally. re-read the post and you'll see there is more to it than that.

[vashti]

Okay, I read it again. I am still coming to the conclusion that you are upset because you can't hold down a relationship, most recently with an 18 year old child. How am I misunderstanding this?

[casco]

Okay, I read it again. I am still coming to the conclusion that you are upset because you can't hold down a relationship, most recently with an 18 year old child. How am I misunderstanding this?

right, so i'm a peado now am i? I take it i should feel ashamed of my feelings because i fall for someone that you regard as a child? Perhaps you could bear some consideration that we all all human, and are all entitled to our feelings, whether they be hurt or whatever, and should feel free to express these without being made to look stupid or inferior (or a peado).

Pathetic to be honest.

[vashti]

right, so i'm a peado now am i? I take it i should feel ashamed of my feelings because i fall for someone that you regard as a child? Perhaps you could bear some consideration that we all all human, and are all entitled to our feelings, whether they be hurt or whatever, and should feel free to express these without being made to look stupid or inferior (or a peado).

Pathetic to be honest.

I could do that, but I rather think it would be more accurate the way *I* posted it. If I thought you were a pedophile, I would have said so. Instead, I think you have some issues with your maturity level. Do you care to discuss that further?

[casco]

I could do that, but I rather think it would be more accurate the way *I* posted it. If I thought you were a pedophile, I would have said so. Instead, I think you have some issues with your maturity level. Do you care to discuss that further?

yes please. A child is trechnically someone under the age of 16, after which they become an adolecent, then an adult at 18. To be involved with a child is paedophilia, something which disgusts me, and its certianly not something i would ever like to be branded as.

[vashti]

On the other hand, ever heard of "college kids"? They are called that for a reason: the vast majority of adults consider them kids.

Now why don't you tell us when the last time was that you dated someone more similar in age to yourself?

[casco]

On the other hand, ever heard of "college kids"? They are called that for a reason: the vast majority of adults consider them kids.

Now why don't you tell us when the last time was that you dated someone more similar in age to yourself?

my previous girlfriend was / is 33, she is back in Australia now as a chiropractor.

Its easy to say that you should go for someone your own age, i am sure the statistics would vouch for that, but i like to look for positive qualities and give someone a chance if i like them whatever their age, so perhaps thats my downfall

[Indignant]

this is fun! BTW I am on vashti's side completely.

"Its been bugging me for a long time that I probably can't hold down a relationship because of the values and standards i set myself, and also the girls i am with. Plus, i just CANT seem to relax in a relationship, and go into them with a very negative attitude, expecting the worst to happen, so I end up looking out for reasons as to why it wont work. This all stems from a very sad experience I had with my first serious relationship, and its turned into a habit. The bottom line is I am insecure in relationships, but although i am not clingy or outwardly jealous, i do expect relationships to advance quickly, so this must be offputting for girls, and i am not giving them space or allowing the relationship to take a pace."

what values and standards do you set for yourself if you are dating chicks who have no values and standards at that age (most of them). how can you relax in a relationship that requires commitment, work, compromise, respect and loyalty? so you end up driving them away by making every aspect of their life miserable. grow up!

[casco]

this is fun! BTW I am on vashti's side completely.

"Its been bugging me for a long time that I probably can't hold down a relationship because of the values and standards i set myself, and also the girls i am with. Plus, i just CANT seem to relax in a relationship, and go into them with a very negative attitude, expecting the worst to happen, so I end up looking out for reasons as to why it wont work. This all stems from a very sad experience I had with my first serious relationship, and its turned into a habit. The bottom line is I am insecure in relationships, but although i am not clingy or outwardly jealous, i do expect relationships to advance quickly, so this must be offputting for girls, and i am not giving them space or allowing the relationship to take a pace."

what values and standards do you set for yourself if you are dating chicks who have no values and standards at that age (most of them). how can you relax in a relationship that requires commitment, work, compromise, respect and loyalty? so you end up driving them away by making every aspect of their life miserable. grow up!

i think you are partonising quite a large population there (as well as me!) What makes you think an 18 yr old has no values or standards?? Thats such a sad view of the world. You can't just paint all youth with the same brush.

You need to grow up emotionally a bit more than you realise, and open your eyes to what is good out there, you and vashti are focusing purely on the negatives! I on the other hand am looking for ways to personally develop, and have sought professional help from a counsellor to overcome my issues! Life would be even sadder for me if i took both of your views all the time

[vashti]

Okay casco, but YOU ared the one who is here asking for advice. I suspect your unwillingness to hear other (rational) points of view are a large part of your problem.

[Indignant]

You need to grow up emotionally a bit more than you realise, and open your eyes to what is good out there, you and vashti are focusing purely on the negatives! I on the other hand am looking for ways to personally develop, and have sought professional help from a counsellor to overcome my issues! Life would be even sadder for me if i took both of your views all the time

then what are you here for? to give two grown women an advise to grow up emotionally? why haven't you been able to have a lenghty relationship with a teenager? Me and Vashti have both done our share of holding up families. She has a son who is a teenager if I am correct, whom she is claiming to have raised as a fine young man with values and morals. What do you have to show for yourself besides one night stands with teens?

[casco]

Okay casco, but YOU ared the one who is here asking for advice. I suspect your unwillingness to hear other (rational) points of view are a large part of your problem.

thats very true, but as of yet i havent heard any constructive advice, i have heard that i am chasing a child, that i need to grow up. Nothing relating at all advice around trying to develop myself personally to enjoy a relationship, which is the advice i saw looking for - but maybe you dont have the answer to that one either?

[casco]

then what are you here for? to give two grown women an advise to grow up emotionally? why haven't you been able to have a lenghty relationship with a teenager? Me and Vashti have both done our share of holding up families. She has a son who is a teenager if I am correct, whom she is claiming to have raised as a fine young man with values and morals. What do you have to show for yourself besides one night stands with teens?

another sweeping statement. This girl is by far the youngest i have been out with, no where in my posts have i implied in only have 1 night stands with teens? I have been out with girls 5 years older, my age and younger - a mixed bag.

In terms of what I have to show for myself - i have everything i life i could want, other than a fulfiling relationship. I earn over $160k a year, i have a second job as a volunteer worker for ex-convicts for some personal fulfilment, i have a wonderful group of friends, great family, a lovely house, nice car. There is nothing I have said to suggest i have nothing in life, which is what you seem to suggest, presumably because you associate those who are not good at relationships as saddos.