Confused/second chance...

[jadelil25]

Im soooooo confused at the moment.

My boyfriend was very close to ending things the other day ( Tuesday ). He messaged me and asked me to go round so that we can talk. It was a very hard/long talk.

He said that he does not know anymore. He said that he does like me and care about me a lot but feels that he has not been making me happy and this has got to him. He said he has enjoyed the things that we have done together but he also just done somethings because he was worried about upsetting me.

I did end up getting upset during the talk and cried a lot. I also asked him several times for a second chance. I said I can feel the connection between us, I like about you and care about you and if you feel the same then things can work as long as we communicate with each other and let each other no whats on our minds. I then went quiet but was still upset and let him think.

He then said to me about how he feels. He said that he wants space and does not want to communicate every day. He said that he likes to have time on his own where he does not see or talk to other people and this is a part of his personality/something he needs to do. He said that he is happy to do something a couple of times a week but he has to have his space. He stressed that I have not done anything wrong.

He has been single for over 3 years so I know this is new to him and have tried to understand that. We have been seeing each other 2 - 3 times a week and I have been calling or txting him once or twice a day max. I said to him that im glad that he has been honest with me because this is what I want. I also let him know im not a mind reader. If he had told me this earlier then I would have understood and not worried. He asked me what would make me happy and asked me to be honest about it. I was - I told him that he makes me happy which he does and that the thing that would make me happy is giving us another chance but he has to want it too.

He ended up crying and getting really upset himself. he then come over and sat opporsit me and said that we can give things another go but he wants to go back to the start and take things slow. He said that he needs to have his space, no sleeping over and sometimes he may not want to talk because he is in the mood for being on his own.

Also if he does not want to communicate everyday why did he message me yesterday to see how I am and ask how I got on at the doctors?

Before this happend I asked him if we could do something on friday and before I left his on Tuesday after the chat he said that we can do something on Friday. Is it ok for me to call him or message him tonight or tommorow and casually ask if he still wants to hang out?

Im just confused now on what happens. Do I wait for him to make all the contact or is it ok for me to contact him first sometimes? Should I wait for him to ask me for dates all the time or is it ok for me to initate them sometimes?

I really like him and care about him and want this to work. Im just confused and really would appreciate your help.

Thank you.

[carl1222]

It seems like you only had half the conversation, Jade ... him telling you what he wants and needs in a relationship. The reason you are so up in the air is that you haven't had the other half yet ... what you want and need in a relationship.

So here you are, afraid to even talk with him because you might invade his space ... not too healthy a place to be. I think you should finish the conversation by negotiating boundaries that are acceptable to BOTH of you. Bear in mind the real possibility that what you want and what he wants may be so different that staying in a relationship may be a bad idea.

Carl.

[lahnnabell]

Carl said it perfectly.

You should not be sacrificing yourself to the point where you get no say in this relationship-arrangement. The ball is in his court and he calls the shots right now. You're just along for the ride. This gives you no control or stake in the relationship.

I know you're afraid that if you push back on him that he'll leave altogether. But here's some news: You are a capable, independent human being. You are fully able to cope and deal with your own life without the cushion of that big strong man. He is not the answer to the problems you have with yourself.

You need to work on what makes you tick. What do you want out of life, out of a relationship? Figure it out and give it to him straight. Sit him down (like he did with you) and say, "I'm glad you told me what you needed. Now here is what I need." Then leave it at that. If he calls you, then he's interested in working it out. If he doesn't, then he's still got some growing and discovering to do. But remember, his decision does not mean you are bad, or unlovable, or a terrible girlfriend. It means that he needs work and he knows it, and doesn't want to drag you though his own drama.