My BF can't handle his own life?

[somesanity]

I've been with my BF for 2 years now.

I'm a busy law student: very active, volunteering often, working part-time, juggling many things at once.

My boyfriend is (was) head chef at a decent restaurant. Although he has been there for 8 years, he is very unhappy in this job. His degree is in graphic design, and he wants to pursue this passion (he's good at it too), but he's having trouble leaving his job. The restaurant is owned by family, so it's difficult for him to up and leave when family tells him he's needed there.

And the job market is also very bad right now.

Despite this, he has slowly been cutting back his hours at the restaurant.. the opposite of the band-aid approach. They are almost at the point where they don't need him anymore. He picked up a second job at a sculpture studio, but they only have enough work for him to work there 2 days a week.

It gets worse. He lives with his mom. This isn't necessarily a deal-breaker for me because I live with my parents too; but it's different for me. I'm a full-time law student putting myself through school, and I can't afford my own apartment until I graduate. But with him.. it's like, what is he waiting for? Unlike my situation where I get along fabulously with my parents, his mom is slightly mentally ill (paranoia problems). Her boyfriend, a bigoted racist @$/# lives there as well.. and we're starting to suspect he may be beating my boyfriend's dog when he's at work. It's just a BAD situation. I pretty much refuse to go over there now; I find it way too depressing. And I don't understand how he can live there, even just to sleep at night. I would want to off myself. The mother and boyfriend are always fighting, the boyfriend is always angry and miserable, and they work nights so you have to tip-toe around during the day while they're sleeping.

My boyfriend wants to move out.. but now he fears he may not have enough money. He pays $400 a month to live in that hellhole.. and I tell him that he can find roommates and swing $450 a month in a shared apartment or something, but he's so defeatist and scared of change.

I take on his problems as my own. I'm becoming a lawyer because I like solving problems, but now this tendency of mine is backfiring on me. I'm getting frustrated. Telling him he should apply to more places, he should look at more apartments, he should tell his mom's boyfriend to leave his dog the F alone. I even offered to take the dog until he moves out and can take her himself. It really hurts me that she is being slapped around.

And I sit and think to myself: I don't need this stress. Why am I with someone who can't handle his own life? And these seem like minor problems to me. I'm working with old people who are being thrown out of their homes, immigrants who are scared and don't speak english, people with SERIOUS problems.. and my boyfriend's issues just seem ridiculous. It's like.. "get a job, any job, move the hell out, tighten the belt, stop spending so much money, and apply to jobs in the field you want until you're blue in the face--solved." But he doesn't see it that way. He's easily scared and defeated.

And I UNDERSTAND his feelings. His mother was in and out of mental institutions his entire childhood. He was tossed from family member to family member until she "recovered" so he has huge issues with change. He's in therapy to work these out, but I'm starting to suspect his therapist coddles him more than pushes him to make the changes he needs to make.

DESPITE ALL OF THIS!!! I love this guy. He has been the most supportive, loving, wonderful boyfriend while I've been struggling through law school. He helps me study, he massages my back, he cooks me dinner, he listens to me complain.. an all around sensitive, sweet human being... We spend every ounce of free time together, and we hate being apart. I could see myself settling down with him, but HE CAN'T GET HIS LIFE IN ORDER!! It's like running in circles. Never making any progress.

Advice?

[Gigabitch]

Yes. God, yes, but I'm really busy trying to hit a deadline at work. I'll come back later.

[Sonrisa]

why won't you move in with him?

[Gigabitch]

Okay,short on time, so here's a list:

• Get that dog out of that house immediately
• Apply a little compassion to your relationship.
• Don't take your sweet boyfriend for granted.
• Understand that your disappointment is NOT helping him get it together. That doesn't work for people that grew up in dysfunctional homes. You have to use the carrot, not the stick.
• Help him find a new place, Miss Volunteer. He's terrified.
• Imagine an alternate universe where you date someone exactly like yourself. (Shudder) People need complementary partners, not twins.

[Mish]

and my boyfriend's issues just seem ridiculous. It's like.. "get a job, any job, move the hell out, tighten the belt, stop spending so much money, and apply to jobs in the field you want until you're blue in the face--solved."

That's a bit harsh don't you think? Ironically because I could offer the same advice in your situation. You are living with you parents. Putting yourself through school is not a good enough reason that you can't move out as well. I'm putting myself through school, working and living on my own all at the same time, why can't you?

See, once you start judging people based on what they "could" be achieving and calling them lazy it doesn't really stop. Be more supportive. Lead by example.

[somesanity]

Thanks for the feedback.

To give more info.. I'm NOT harsh with him at all. I listen and try to give advice whenever I can. I helped him with his resume, I mail him links all the time to jobs I see posted around the internet, I give him advice on his portfolio, I helped him do his taxes, I drove him to work back and forth for 4 months when his car died. Please don't think I take him for granted; I really don't. I'm also responsible for getting him the art-related job 2 days a week at the sculpture studio. My family is friends with the man who runs the place, and when I heard he was looking for someone part-time, I vehemently recommended my boyfriend.

I'm just worried about him. It's been over a year now, maybe even closer to 2.. pretty much since we started seeing each other that he expressed his total dislike for his life, living situation, job, etc. He has made very little progress on any of these things.. I worry that he never will if he keeps going in circles like he's been.

And I don't care what he does! He can work at McDonalds for all I care, he can stay at the restaurant, he can stay living with his mom.. I just want him to be HAPPY with his life.. and he's not. At all.

About me working and moving out.. it's not feasible unless I find a job under the table. We're only allowed to work 20 hours a week while we're full-time in law school per the American Bar Association... If we work more than this, it may cause a problem when we go to pass the character and fitness review portion of the bar. This sounds totally absurd, I know.. but it's the reality of law school (and probably why so few people can afford to go). The 20 hours I'm already working just get me by with gas money, food, books, etc. I wish I could afford to move out with him, but I can't.. and I have 2 years of law school left

I feel helpless to help him. I wonder if in 2, 3, 4 years down the road.. he'll still be where he is now. And miserable about it. I don't know whether I should be tough and demand he start making some changes and spend his weekends pursuing new jobs or finding apartments.. or if I should keep doing what I've been doing (supportive, helping him look, giving up time I really need to be spending on my own things.) I know I may be coming across as selfish, but law school is INTENSE, and I go to a top school that demands every ounce of me. I feel so frustrated that I can't just take his life and fix it. And then I get resentful that he makes me feel like I should be doing that.

[somesanity]

Okay,short on time, so here's a list:

• Get that dog out of that house immediately
• Apply a little compassion to your relationship.
• Don't take your sweet boyfriend for granted.
• Understand that your disappointment is NOT helping him get it together. That doesn't work for people that grew up in dysfunctional homes. You have to use the carrot, not the stick.
• Help him find a new place, Miss Volunteer. He's terrified.
• Imagine an alternate universe where you date someone exactly like yourself. (Shudder) People need complementary partners, not twins.

I've already suggested taking the dog. He wants me to.. but this will probably strain my relationship with his mother. She'll wonder why I'm taking her, and what am I going to say? I'll basically be accusing her boyfriend of being an animal-abusing scumbag.... But that's a price I'm willing to pay. It's just a sad situation all around. Like I said, I can't even go over there anymore. I find it difficult to be civil to that man, and I'm worried that what I'll say will make it even more uncomfortable for my boyfriend to continue living there (something he definitely doesn't need.)

If I could kill his mom's boyfriend and get away with it, I probably would.

[Mish]

Fair enough. I suppose some of the harsher comments were just you blowing some steam. Well, just narrow down what's important. For example, the dog can be on the lower list of priorities. Also, have you given a thought that maybe he likes the way things are? Maybe it's part of his personality to complain about things, but doesn't mind them being like that. Maybe he really is happy and doesn't need any fixing? Maybe for whatever reason he doesn't want to change. You will probably need to work out what this would mean for you and your relationship with him. Will you be able to accept him just the way he is without any major changes down the track?

[Gigabitch]

If I could kill his mom's boyfriend and get away with it, I probably would.

I'll help you hide the body. We can borrow my brother's truck.

Try to see your boyfriend's troubles as symptoms of a systemic illness, not individual problems. IMO, he's been poisoned by his family. It could take years to clean that toxic waste up, and that's only if he really tries and removes himself from the source.

I understand how sapped he must feel just being around them (I come from a poisonous family, myself), and I really hope he has what it takes to bootstrap himself out of that circumstance.