Girlfriend cuts herself cos of me

[MissAnn]

Hi...I know this is old..but I wanted to get my two cents in as I disagree with what was posted.

Obviously everyone is different, but I used to be a cutter in high school. I was NOT seeking attention. In fact I only ever told my therapist after going to her for over a year. I was abused as a child, and would be physically hit or hurt when I cried or became angry as a kid. As an adolescent, I had learned to hide my emotions, and for me feeling the physical pain provided a type of release that was easier to deal with than anger, fear, sadness, etc.

Luckily my mom caught me and put me in therapy. I am now in my thirties and STILL in therapy. I no longer cut myself, but I have to admit sometimes when faced with severe emotional pain it crosses my mind. I am not CRAZY or bad news. I am capable of having a loving relationship, though of course I do have some emotional, and physical, scars from my past.

That said...I agree that it is NOT your fault she is cutting, and NOT your obligation to fix her. I also think it is wrong of her to throw this in your face and put the blame on you. That said, she clearly needs help, but is not CRAZY or a horrible undatable person. I would wait until she is calm, and then tell her she needs to seek professional help. If she is unwilling and you must leave the relationship do not feel guilty, but do maybe try to talk to her friends/family and let them know she needs to talk to professional about her behavior.

I feel for her. It is horrible to suffer such emotional pain that the only thing that feels better is inflicting physical harm on yourself

[thewhiterabbit]

Hi...I know this is old..but I wanted to get my two cents in as I disagree with what was posted.

Obviously everyone is different, but I used to be a cutter in high school. I was NOT seeking attention. In fact I only ever told my therapist after going to her for over a year. I was abused as a child, and would be physically hit or hurt when I cried or became angry as a kid. As an adolescent, I had learned to hide my emotions, and for me feeling the physical pain provided a type of release that was easier to deal with than anger, fear, sadness, etc.

Luckily my mom caught me and put me in therapy. I am now in my thirties and STILL in therapy. I no longer cut myself, but I have to admit sometimes when faced with severe emotional pain it crosses my mind. I am not CRAZY or bad news. I am capable of having a loving relationship, though of course I do have some emotional, and physical, scars from my past.

That said...I agree that it is NOT your fault she is cutting, and NOT your obligation to fix her. I also think it is wrong of her to throw this in your face and put the blame on you. That said, she clearly needs help, but is not CRAZY or a horrible undatable person. I would wait until she is calm, and then tell her she needs to seek professional help. If she is unwilling and you must leave the relationship do not feel guilty, but do maybe try to talk to her friends/family and let them know she needs to talk to professional about her behavior.

I feel for her. It is horrible to suffer such emotional pain that the only thing that feels better is inflicting physical harm on yourself

You seem to think that no one else was coming from a place of self harm in mind, but I cut for over four years in high school myself. I've been self harming as a form of addiction since I was very young, even though I didn't realize what it was called at the time. I just knew enough to hide when I'd do these things. I ALSO didn't do it for attention as no one found out until a year after I'd stopped, but this girl is. Most cutters do. I understand that you're trying to point out that all cutters/reformed cutters are not unlovable crazy people, but I stand behind everyone in saying that this girl is.

[MissAnn]

I agree with what you said. And I completely agree with all of the posters who said that the OP needs to get out of this situation and it is not his responsibility to fix her. He needs to take care of himself, and his girlfriend sounds like she is being manipulative and out of control.

I think what I was reacting to was that cutters should be treated with disgust, or are totally insane people. I was disgusted enough with myself about what I was doing, and if I had "come out' to anyone and they reacted with disgust towards me I think I would have been devastated.

Mental illness can be scary, and many people CAN have a natural physical revulsion to seeing someone behave in an abnormal manner. However, I think it is important to remember that genuinely mentally ill people are not acting that way due to their own choice. It it is not our responsibility to cure them if they refuse to get help any more than it is our responsibility to cure someone who will not get treatment for a physical illness, but I just hate to hear that they should be treated with contempt.

Sorry I will get off my soap box now!

[ChatterBox]

It it is not our responsibility to cure them if they refuse to get help any more than it is our responsibility to cure someone who will not get treatment for a physical illness,

You deserve an award for that statement.

[psu786]

its not ur fault, if you wanna help then A. walk away B. help her get sum help. If u are gonna leave do it because u want to, and don't let other people likle family or who ever interfere with your relationships. Things usually get worst when that happens, if the gurl is really sick like she sounds then just walk away, you cant be someones super man. They gotta wanna save themselves

[irrelevant_89]

I wouldn't want to be in OP's shoes if he breaks up with her and she ends up killing herself shortly after.

I mean sure, you can break up with her, but have to pick a moment when she's a little less fragile.

[ChatterBox]

I wouldn't want to be in OP's shoes if he breaks up with her and she ends up killing herself shortly after.

Put frankly, that's HER choice. Get away from someone who cuts themselves and do it now.

[irrelevant_89]

^ true, but I wouldn't help but feeling guilty if that happened. And I don't like the "run away from people when bad things happen" policy anyway.

[ChatterBox]

the "run away from people when bad things happen" policy anyway.

When someone loses their job, gets robbed, that is a bad thing. Cutting yourself is another thing entirely and that shows a level of dysfunction that can't be solved except for the cutter. It shows she doesn't know how to cope well with her problems and emotions. Just walk away. I've been around seriously dysfunctional people and nothing will help them except THEM! Don't waste your life.

[irrelevant_89]

It's nice to know that if one day I start cutting myself every single person in my life will assume I'm a lost case and abandon me to my disfunctions.

[ChatterBox]

You aren't her family, okay. She claims it's YOUR FAULT that she does this. She's using you as a scapegoat for her mental problems that cause her to cut herself. I've been used as a scapegoat and when you realize it isn't your fault, it isn't. You aren't making her cut herself or making her life so miserable that she has no choice. Walk away and she might not cut herself, or if she does, it won't be because of you. Let someone else take the heat for making her harm herself.

[therealjag]

Hey people.

I've been reading and taking in what people have been saying and it just confirms my position even more that I should end this relationshit (pun intended)...i think tbh all the hatred and the decline of the relationship started when my parents wouldn't allow it and ever since it has torn me inside out and thus has affected the relationship. I'm very family orientated and couldn't stay with this girl if my family never accepted her, I just couldn't do that to them.

I am planning on ending it today but she is ill at the moment. Should I wait till she gets better or just end it?

[vashti]

No need to postpone. It would be nice if you could alert her family in advance so they can offer her support and hide the razor blades.

[therealjag]

lol i like your style vashti, just straight to the point...like a breath o fresh air. I'll keep everyone informed of how it goes! :S