Ex is friends with my new guy.

[MissAnn]

When I was in my early twenties, I had a five year relationship. It was probably the happiest I have ever been with anyone. We talked marriage, but I don't want kids and was scared to make that type of commitment. He did want children, and though he wasn't ready at that point, I knew someday that could be an major issue for us.

We eventually hit a really rocky point. He moved with me when I got into a grad program in another state. I was stressed out from school, we were fighting a lot, and basically I kind of took him for granted. Instead of working on the relationship I put emphasis on school and shut down emotionally when he attempted to work through our problems. He ended up leaving me and is the only person to ever completely, utterly break my heart.

He moved away, and though we talked a few times, it was too hard for me to remain friends. I told him I needed to cut contact and we didn't talk for 9 years.

Unbeknownst to me, he moved back into my area a couple of years ago. We ran into each other, started talking, and hung out pretty consistently for about a month. I still had feelings for him, but seeing how different we now were from each other I saw that realistically we would not be compatible as a couple. Regardless, after a few drinks one night we ended up sleeping together. I had recently broken up with my boyfriend, and I think it was a misguided reaction to being newly single.

I kind of freaked out and left his house right after. We texted back and forth a few times after, but never hung out again. Now we basically communicate only via facebook comments...in which we are friendly but impersonal.

Four months later, I am dating someone new and it is going well. Last night, I found out that my new guy is actually good friends with my ex. He asked me about our prior relationship, but we were out with a group of people and I didn't have a good opportunity to tell him that we had hooked up more recently.

I feel like I should tell him this, but I am unsure how to bring it up, or if I should talk to my ex about the issue first. I believe my ex has reunited with someone he dated before and my new guy is friends with her as well. From the time line, it sounds like they may have got together fairly soon after we had a our little on night fling, and they may even have been talking at the time. I don't want to cause any drama.

[Incognito]

If your boyfriend asks, I'd tell him about the more recent hook up. If he doesn't ask, then its not his business since you two weren't together when it happened. I only say "tell him if he asks" because I have a personal policy about not lying. You policy may be different. If it is different, then I'd treat it as though it wasn't his business since you two weren't together when it happened, even if he asks. There is always the possibility that the ex might tell him for some reason though, which could leave you caught in a lie. That is one reason I personally have a no lying policy, because keeping up a lie is hard and you can't control other people. Not answering a question that he doesn't specifically ask is not the same as lying.

[Gigabitch]

If it were me, I'd tell him about this as soon as possible. Just make it about the facts, make sure he understands that you're telling him because you don't want anything coming up later that might cause trouble. You don't have to make a major drama out of it, but give it the gravity it deserves.

For a lot of people, this would be nothing, but to some this could be seen as a major deception that would eat away at his trust for you and there's no reason to do that to your relationship. There's nothing to be ashamed of and the fact that you and your slept together and went your separate ways might make your bf feel more confident that there's no lingering unfinished business there that might be a potential threat.

[MissAnn]

Well, I told him. He obviously wasn't happy, who would be, but seemed to kind of take it in stride.


My ex has apparently has kind of a drama filled love life since we split, which surprises me because our relationship was overall really stable. I guess he has dated a string of psychos, and I think it weirded my boyfriend out to think I was somehow in that category.

To make things worse, my boyfriend felt compelled to have some kind of "hey is it cool I'm dating your ex" talk with him. At first my ex said it was fine, we had broken up a long time ago, etc. However they were out drinking at this point, and over the course of the night apparently my ex got really drunk and told my boyfriend I was the only woman he's every really loved and that we had a really intense connection. Ugh!

He apologized both to me and my boyfriend the next day, but I feel like my boyfriend has been a bit distant. I tried to bring it up, and he said everything is fine. My inclination is to give him some space to process the information, and be open and honest about any reasonable questions he may have? I can't think of anything else to fix the situation at this time.

[Mish]

I think it can go either way from here, your relationship is still new and much is undecided. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.

[Gigabitch]

You can't fix it- it just is what it is. I think your boyfriend should distance himself a bit from your ex. Maybe getting shitfaced with that particular guy is a bad idea, right?

You don't want your ex back, do you?

[MissAnn]

Well, it seems to still be going okay, but he is still being a bit distant and has kind of slowed down a little. Which is fine.

I do not want my ex back. To be honest..I still have feelings for him but it is kind of a bitter-sweet nostalgia type of thing. Out of anyone I have ever dated, he was the biggest love of my life, and I still care for him, and love him, but I know in my heart it would never work. I think maybe he feels the same about me, and that was why he had that kind of drunken reaction. I don't really know, and frankly I don't care. The past is the past and I want to focus on a future with the guy I'm dating now.