Living apart, buy staying together?

[vashti]

I don't know what kind of resources are available to you in Canada, but here in the states, there are support groups for step families. I suggest you look in to that.

[workoutgirl1970]

I have never wanted children and don't really enjoy the company of children. Maybe your wife is the same way. Why does she need to help you raise your son? He has a mother. Maybe she feels like I do, awkward around children and has no clue how to interract with them. I have no maternal instinct at all so if I were in your shoes I would give her a chance but also realize that maybe as harsh as this sounds could care less about being around him but that doesn't make her a bad person, just someone that doesn't like children. I don't think that she should have moved out since you only see him on weekends but if you both work that is your only time to really spend together so if you are spending it with your son then she probably feels neglected and having family time is not her thing. Some women just don't want anything to do with children, even if they are part of the life of the man that they love.

[vashti]

I have never wanted children and don't really enjoy the company of children. Maybe your wife is the same way. Why does she need to help you raise your son? He has a mother. Maybe she feels like I do, awkward around children and has no clue how to interract with them. I have no maternal instinct at all so if I were in your shoes I would give her a chance but also realize that maybe as harsh as this sounds could care less about being around him but that doesn't make her a bad person, just someone that doesn't like children. I don't think that she should have moved out since you only see him on weekends but if you both work that is your only time to really spend together so if you are spending it with your son then she probably feels neglected and having family time is not her thing. Some women just don't want anything to do with children, even if they are part of the life of the man that they love.

I don't have a problem with a person who is this way. However, they do NOT belong near a child... they can be damaging to a developing sense of self esteem.

[IndiReloaded]

B/c with good parents, its a package deal. Love me, love my kid. If you can't find someone else.

Its not like deciding you won't wear a particular colour socks.

[NewStart]

Some women just don't want anything to do with children, even if they are part of the life of the man that they love.

I appreciate your honesty! However, if you really don't want anything to do with children, it's probably best not to be involved with a man who has a child. We tried; we failed. I need to keep my son's best interests at heart. I also care about my own happiness, and the happiness of the woman I love. Just because you love someone, does not mean a marriage with them is going to work. This has been a tough realization for me!

If you truly love someone-- and in your gut you know they'd be better off without you-- isn't the best thing to do to set them free?

[elphie]

i think you have to decide if it's something you can handle or not. i've seen a couple of articles on it and how people doing it think it's great because they have different habits and couldn't actually live together for example. for me, it's not something that i would be happy with. when i get married, i want to share a space with my husband. living apart would not be cool with me at all (business trips or things like that i could deal with, but not all the time). spend some time and seriously think about if you will be happy living like that. if not, then cut your losses and look for someone who is willing to live with you. if so, you can try it out for awhile and see how it goes. you may find it's totally fine with you after all; or you may realize that you really hate it, and then you can cut your losses. That's something she should have brought up with you before she married you though; she knew about your kid and all.

i also agree with lahnnabell; marriage won't solve any problems you had while you were dating. you have to work all that stuff out before you get married, not while you are married, or you'll either be very unhappy or end up getting divorced.

[NewStart]

i think you have to decide if it's something you can handle or not. i've seen a couple of articles on it and how people doing it think it's great because they have different habits and couldn't actually live together for example. . . . spend some time and seriously think about if you will be happy living like that. if not, then cut your losses and look for someone who is willing to live with you. if so, you can try it out for awhile and see how it goes. you may find it's totally fine with you after all; or you may realize that you really hate it, and then you can cut your losses. That's something she should have brought up with you before she married you though; she knew about your kid and all.

I appreciate your insightful words.

Where I am right now, is I'm looking at things from a very practical view (survival-mode you might say). It was not a happy time living with someone who avoided being here any time my son was around. I do have bouts of loneliness every day (fairly short, no major soul-crushing breakdowns or anything), but I also have a sense of peace, self-control and freedom. I can be here fully for my son now. I don't need to ask my wife permission if I want to have him an extra night during the week, or go watch a game with him, etc.

Honestly, I feel pretty good now that she's gone. The initial pain is fading, and I'm seriously questioning whether I want to keep the relationship going at a distance (she lives just across town).

I thank each one of you who has posted on my thread (in spite of the typo in the title!). All of these different perspectives have really helped me see more clearly all the sides of the situation.

I am consistently impressed by the kindness of strangers.

Well, I have counseling after work today. We'll see what comes of that. I'm also going to start reading two books that helped me through my first divorce ("Spiritual Divorce" by Debbie Ford and "Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends" by Bruce Fisher).

Here's to breaking free and making a new start!

[IndiReloaded]

I don't need to ask my wife permission if I want to have him an extra night during the week, or go watch a game with him, etc.

Wow. This^ creeped me out. Its your son! What a selfish bitch to even make you feel this way.

I'm sorry for your situation and your loneliness but I think you are making the responsible decision. You'll reap the rewards longterm with your son and I am confident you will find a partner who will appreciate these qualities. There are many single parents out there that wouldn't be able to do what you are doing, and would selfishly put their adult relationship ahead of their child. I have a couple adult friends who grew up with 'daddy's wife' being completely disinterested in them. Their adult relationship suffers for it today.

Keep your chin up.

[NewStart]

I'm going to write about the counseling session I had today in order to have a record of it to look back on later.

My first impressions of my counselor are that he is very competent, and we're on the same wavelength. I told him about my wife's reluctance to have any positive interaction with my son. I also noted that I have had enough counseling in the past (for 2 other long-term relationships) that I know I cannot change anyone but myself.

He asked about where we are now (emotionally, relationship-wise). I told him that I'm 80 to 90% sure it's over. There is love there, but I don't think we share the same core values to make a thriving, fulfilling relationship together. I told him about my bouts of loneliness and sadness, but that those passed, and I'm feeling okay. He said that it will be a process, but that he hears what I'm saying, and he supports my decision to move on. He was not pushy about trying to reconcile. He was primarily just shocked at her utter lack of willingness to accommodate my son as a wonderful human being. He said that to stay together could be detrimental to my son's well being (constant, subtle rejection). Kids are sensitive, empathic creatures. My boy has not made mention of missing her since we split (I suppose it has only been two weeks).

I asked the therapist if he could give any advice regarding maintaining a physical relationship in the interim. He suggested that we would have to decide on that one for ourselves, but that it might be confusing emotionally.

At this moment, I'm ready to enjoy a Friday evening. I am undecided whether I'll reach out to do something with a friend, or if I'll just relax at home in my sanctuary. One weird wrinkle in this story is that my son is not going to be with me this weekend, as he is heading to visit his maternal grandparents with his mom. Yes, I'll miss him; but I suppose that will give me time to do some deep self-reflection and realize just how blessed I am to have a healthy, balanced child.

In spite of the heartache, I love my life.

I also found a book at the bookstore (while looking for copies of my previous divorce help books that I gave away): "The Wisdom of a Broken Heart", by Susan Piver. I am looking forward to diving in.

Thanks for the support, online community!

[NewStart]

We spoke this morning. There were a lot of tears, still are.

I have a child: she does not want a child.

We are not meant to be.

I think I'll either start a blog, or a thread in the breakups area.

It does feel a bit better knowing that all the cards are on the table, and we can now have closure.

I can begin my process of recovery.

[LailaK]

^^^ That sounds like it's for the best. For both of you. Now don't go marrying any other women who don't like children.

[NewStart]

Yep, it's only single moms (or childless women who magically enjoy children and are happy to be a step-parent) from here on in!

[IndiReloaded]

I bet your son is actually relieved. We all make mistakes, but few ppl are strong enough to do what is necessary to correct them.

You are strong, so you'll be okay, New Start. Be kind to yourself.

[NewStart]

UPDATE: My son seems to be doing just fine (perhaps even better). We talk about the situation, and he misses the dog (my ex bought it) more than anything. I have been spending time with a new friend (female, mutual attraction) and that has taken away some of the sting of the break up. My counseling sessions are productive, and my life feels balanced, exciting and filled with new potential.

I want to say a huge thanks to all who replied to this thread, as your objective responses helped me figure out what I wanted (and needed). The no contact, clean break thing is the only way to go (in my humble opinion) for anyone who wants to move on after a failed relationship. No regrets: I learned a lot from it, and I feel like a wiser person for the insights I gained.

Peace to all of you, and I'll post again (new thread) when the next love issue rears its head!