Broke up with my girlfriend, don't know how I feel.

[rivers]

Hello everyone! I apologise in advance for the long-winded story I'm about to tell, I'll try and keep it brief though.

I'd been going out with her for six months. First we were friends who really liked each other, but she had a girlfriend (I'm a guy, so this is already a bit crazy). We told each other how we felt, and we acted on it once when drunk, but we kept it to a minimum, just kissed once or twice. Her girlfriend was very jealous of me and punched me at a party (though she didn't know about the kissing), which was the point where they broke up, and I got together with my girlfriend almost immediately afterwards. They had two children together, twins, from a time when her ex slept with someone while they were on a break. As you can tell, this was a pretty crazy relationship, and it only made sense that she would have lots of emotional baggage.

She was fine with her ex for a while, they were upset, but her ex still let her see the twins. However, my girlfriend, who I shall call Ellen, was obviously upset and not getting to see the twins often. Her ex got a new girlfriend, who was absolutely crazy and stopped Ellen from seeing the twins altogether. Ellen then fell out with her mum, after her mum didn't take her side, and hasn't talked to her since.

I had great times with Ellen, but she was often quite depressed and sad, which I could deal with, I was just never very good at knowing how to react to this. She suffered from depression, and had M.E., which left her often tired and weak. But we still had a lot of good times together. However, when arguments happened, they were bad. There was only one time where I majorly lashed out at her, and I felt so bad that I never did it again. But she would be so angry, at the simplest of arguments, to the point where I couldn't reason with her, she would yell at me and tell me to leave her room. Once she did it after I tried helping her sort out a lost bank card, saying she didn't ask for help. Another time she did it because I asked for directions to the solicitor's she wanted me to drop some stuff off at. And while I understood that it may not necessarily be her fault she's upset, it always upset me, and for a while I'd been thinking about breaking up.

A couple of nights ago it came to the fore after she had an argument with my sister, who merely told her to turn the lights off in her room (due to Ellen's relationship with her mother, she lives with me, which makes it even more difficult). I sided with my sister because I thought it was a simple request, but Ellen got angry, told me to leave her alone, didn't talk to me for a few days. I'd had it by this point, so I talked to her about what we should do. I suggested that we take a break, and she initially seemed okay with that. She said we could still stay friends, but she wasn't at all angry at me, she kept berating herself, saying that she was unlovable, and is too messed up to be a good girlfriend. I told her it isn't true, it's just that it didn't work for us two. Later however, she came to me saying she wanted to be close, and I refused because I needed time apart.

She spent about most of the next day in her bed, sleeping on and off. Then later she came to me crying, saying that she would change, that she would get therapy, that she'd been upset because she misses her children, and that we'd already had time apart. I told her that one day apart wasn't enough to reflect on my feelings, and I was honest with her I told her that I'd been upset with her for a while, I didn't know whether I loved her or not, hence why I never DID break it off. We hadn't had sex in a while, and it was because I didn't want to have sex with her if I didn't feel what I should feel toward her. I told all this, and then she reacted really badly, went off to her friends for a day. She came home tonight and told me that she now is angry at me, for not telling her that I didn't know how I felt about her sooner, which is fair enough. In some ways it's a relief that she is angry at me, I don't have to hate myself so much to make up for her not hating me... If that makes sense.

I've been incredibly upset, I've been staying mature and trying to keep positive through the last few days though. It hasn't been easy, and when I'm alone I tend to dwell on it a lot. I don't know how I feel though. I miss her, but do I miss HER, or do I miss having company, or feeling loved? Do I just miss having a girlfriend? Or do I just feel bad about upsetting her so much? Well, I know I do, it's been killing me, but is that why I've been feeling that I miss her, because I want to make her happy again? I've been thinking about taking her back, but I don't want it to happen all over again, I don't want to rush into it if I don't love her. And even if she does stop lashing out, I can't promise that I'll definitely love her still. I don't think it would be fair on her either. Or am I scared I'll never find anyone else, she's been my first long-term girlfriend, I'm not a pro on relationships, and I'm shy and not very attractive to boot? Am I a bad person? Is she not treating me well? Or vice versa? Do we both need to find other people? I'm confused about how I feel, and I would like input if anyone has the time and is willing to offer it. Be brutally honest, if I'm a douchebag then tell me, so I can know to change myself.

Really sorry about how long-winded this is. Thank you to anyone who reads this and/or replies.

[VincenzoG91]

Complicated relationships always seem to be bad relationships. They get complicated because people bring too many conflicting priorities to the relationship. From what you've described, I think that you made the right decision when you broke up with her. For one thing, those twins are not her biological children. She needs to let go of them, because she doesn't have a legal right to see them and can only do so if her ex allows it. I don't think that she even sounds like relationship material due to all of her personal issues.