I don't understand him---HELP

[commonsense111]

My relationship is on the rocks... real bad place right now.

First question-- My friend who happens to be my boyfriends-best friends-girlfriend told me about three months ago that her boyfriend informed her that my guy had hooked up with a girl from his work--AT work. Anyways i confronted him and he quickly let me know that it was a lie--a story to make his friend jealous because his friend thought the girl was hot---long story short I don't think he's telling me the truth. He and this girl have conversations late at night and when I'm at class during the day. They seem to know when EXACTLY to talk. He swears that it's all work related that they are just talking corporate gossip. Again. I don't believe him. What's the deal, am I paranoid like he says I am?

Second Question: He's begged me to move in with him for over four years now. I finally did and all he ever does is talk about marriage, kids, and having a big farm house someday for us as a family. Why would he be so full speed ahead for that life when he hides and lies about so much? Also, if he wants a family so bad why does he seem to think that privacy of bills, cell phones, calls, texts, and emails are still so private? Is this normal for a guy? He hates it when i touch his phone and when i caught him trying to hide one of another girls calls and demanded for his phone records he flew off the chart because I was crossing the line. Am I really crossing the line when my guy/ whom i live with and share everything with is hiding from me?

Third Question: Is this even worth trying to save? And if I even can, how do I do it?

[commonsense111]

I've been with my boyfriend for eight years. So we've grown up together and what not. We've broken up here and there but I feel thats to be expected when your so young. Some how we ended up today being still together. There is a situation in our past that isn't fully resolved involving a 'story' he told his friends to brag about having 'relations' with someone besides me when we broke up for a brief amount of time. When we got back together he said it was just a story to tell the guys because they were making him feel insecure with him 'manlihood' because they were teasing him about being with only one girl. Anyhow we still got back together becasue I chose to believe him, however he's lied relentlessly since, about phone calls he gets: he gets a phone call and I ask who it was (we live together now) and he says it was a 1-800 number, nobody. Except I see the phone records and I know he's been talking to a girl from his work while I'm in college classes or late at night after I go to sleep. He said it was conversations about work, and work gossip, because they used to work the same 2nd shift together all the time and since he's on 1st shift now this is how they have their '***** fests' about corporate life screwing them. This girl is the one he made the 'story' up about.

It kills me that he keeps lying to me. He says he didn't think talking to her was wrong at all, that it was something he should even have to tell me about. Of course I don't have a problem with him talking to girls from his work, he talks to guys too. What I have a problem with is him lying to me about it when I ask and blatantly seeing in black and white on our bills that he's only having these conversations when I'm not around. I think something happened between them but I'm figuring the 'story' he told was when we were broken up and I had no claim on him. However, I don't know if I'm emotionally strong enough to handle lies and deceptions from the person I'm supposed to love and who is supposed to love and respect me back. What are your thoughts? Is it worth trying anymore? Any suggestions? Thanks.

[adam95]

well about your first question, i can't answer. did you tell him that you find it extremely uncomfortable that he talks to her so much and does so when your not around? you guys sound like you've been together for a real long time.

second, i personally don't mind my gf looking through my stuff. i actually asked her the other day why she doesn't do it more often! well if he's hiding girls calls. you have to sit him down and talk seriously. i get calls from girls but never hide it from my gf. hiding means he think's he's doing something wrong.

third. how long has this been going on for? how long were you guys together? has he always been like this? do you think the happy moments are worth all the trouble. it depends on a lot of factors but the most important is whether you will be happy with him in the long run.

[WICKED THOUGHTS]

Well, go and do the same :p See how he likes it? haha no.. im playin. I really think u guys need to have a heart to heart. Tell him ur issues and how uncompfy ure bout it. gl

[adam95]

i think you posted something similar in the ask a male section.
anyway did you tell him that you know he's talking to this girl and that you don't mind just as long as he doesn't hide it?

[RdHrshyKss]

i'd sit him down and give him the opportunity to come clean. tell him that you understand you guys were not together at that point, and you won't hold anything against him for something that happened while you weren't together, but that you will NOT tolerate lying. give him a chance to be honest about everything. and lay down some ground rules regarding this girl. if he thinks it's ok to be talking to her a lot then you should meet her and get to know her. if after you give him this chance he persists with the lies, then dump his ass. doesn't matter how long you've been together, if he can't be decent enough to be honest with you about everything (especially after 8 years) then you need to move on.

[adam95]

that go and do the same technique sucks but honestly it worked on me. but i won't advice it!

[adam95]

nicely done RdHrshyKss!

[Gigabitch]

Threads merged.

Anyway, your boyfriend is a weasel. I think you should rethink this relationship.

[rain.man]

First question: Maybe, maybe not. I try not to take personal calls in front of someone I'm dating. Not because I'm trying to hide it, more because it always ends with a 10-minute inquisition about who it was, how I know her, how long I've known her, what we talked about, how close are we, blah blah blah (yeah, I've dated a lot of neurotic women). Much easier to take the calls in private. That said, he shouldn't be lying about who it is, that's just plain wrong.

Second Question: Bills, cell phones, calls, texts and emails are private. Period. The last person who "demanded" my phone records found herself single two minutes later. He reacted harshly because, like most guys, he's probably dated a dozen neurotic women who spent half their waking lives imagining all kinds of awful scenarios and then snooping around for evidence. You may choose to share this info with him, but he doesn't *have* to reciprocate.

Third Question: Maybe. You guys definitely need to talk, since you two clearly aren't on the same page.

[RdHrshyKss]

First question: Maybe, maybe not. I try not to take personal calls in front of someone I'm dating. Not because I'm trying to hide it, more because it always ends with a 10-minute inquisition about who it was, how I know her, how long I've known her, what we talked about, how close are we, blah blah blah (yeah, I've dated a lot of neurotic women). Much easier to take the calls in private. That said, he shouldn't be lying about who it is, that's just plain wrong.

Second Question: Bills, cell phones, calls, texts and emails are private. Period. The last person who "demanded" my phone records found herself single two minutes later. He reacted harshly because, like most guys, he's probably dated a dozen neurotic women who spent half their waking lives imagining all kinds of awful scenarios and then snooping around for evidence. You may choose to share this info with him, but he doesn't *have* to reciprocate.

Third Question: Maybe. You guys definitely need to talk, since you two clearly aren't on the same page.

they've been dating for 8 years off and on...i don't think her asking for this information is neurotic, especially when she's caught him in lies before. he did this to himself by being dishonest. he either gives up the information, or takes a hike.

[commonsense111]

He's been talking to this girl for over a year now. I told him because of the horrible stigma that is now wrapped around this probably innocent girl I don't want to deal with it anymore. He's agreed to break off the freindship though he refuses to call it that. He said its no problem to stop talking to her, supposedly he thought she was immature anyways or something. He says he doesn't like her, but then why does he talk to her for over 30 minutes on the phone at night? And behind my back?

I don't know. i want things to work between us because we've put some hardcore years into this relatioship but I don't see it going anywhere if he refuses to tell me the truth. I'm scared I'll never be able to trust him.

[Raze]

I still think he's kinda sketchy. = /

[commonsense111]

I don't think I'm being unreasonable. The other factor to all of this is that we are high school sweethearts. We are 22 now trying to start a life together. He's turning into a pathological liar. He literally stared me in the eye and said "I have a problem. I keep lying to you when I know its a bad idea, because you always catch me in it."

That's scary to me. Why do I HAVE to catch him in order for him to be honest. That's why i asked for the phone records, I'm tired of catching him and I want to know the whole truth for once. He got the phone records for his cell phone and they showed the same details as our house phone bill, no difference. But asking for the cell phone bill was horrendous to him. That tells me he's hiding something.

Women want honesty because it gives them security.

[RdHrshyKss]

I don't think I'm being unreasonable. The other factor to all of this is that we are high school sweethearts. We are 22 now trying to start a life together. He's turning into a pathological liar. He literally stared me in the eye and said "I have a problem. I keep lying to you when I know its a bad idea, because you always catch me in it."

That's scary to me. Why do I HAVE to catch him in order for him to be honest. That's why i asked for the phone records, I'm tired of catching him and I want to know the whole truth for once. He got the phone records for his cell phone and they showed the same details as our house phone bill, no difference. But asking for the cell phone bill was horrendous to him. That tells me he's hiding something.

Women want honesty because it gives them security.

i completely agree and i think that goes for both men and women. he's a lucky man that you are still willing to stick around. give him an ultimatum...truth from here on out. complete transparency as to what he's doing. only after some time, when you've been able to build some of that trust back, can you then back off a bit and let him have his privacy. if he doesn't want to agree to that or you catch him in another lie, then you should be out the door...if you stay, you will only have more stress and lies to look forward to. the only way he'll change is if you step your foot down and say ENOUGH!