I need major help with my girlfriend.

[needs_help]

Hi, I am a 22 year old male dating a 24 year old female. We have been together for about a year now. I will start from the beginning. I was at the bar and this girls parents were gone for the weekend so she invited people over to her house after the bar. Everybody ended up passing out except me and my now girlfriend. We ended up sleeping together and having sex. In the morning she told me she had a boyfriend and not to tell anyone about it. She then contacted me a couple weeks later telling me she has a crush on me and wants to still fool around behind her boyfriends back. We eventually got caught and they broke up and we stayed together. Now a year later our relationship seems to be getting off track. She has become very distant and depressed. (She suffers from depression) Since she has been 14 years old she has always been in a relationship. Always. She has lived a life through men, she doesn't really have an existence without them. She said she molds to who ever shes with. As a result she has become a totally lost person. She has no idea who she is anymore and what she wants to do for a career and is just in a deep depression right now. I feel like I am losing her and I also think she might cheat on me soon, if she hasn't already due to this. Can someone please help me here. Any suggestions would help. Thank you.

I just want to add that she is an amazing person who is loving caring and so smart. I love her and care for her deeply.

[kitkitkitty]

was she depressed when she got with you? maaan, i'd have a constant voice in the back of my mind saying 'if she could cheat WITH me, she could cheat ON me'. have you ever thought about this?

[needs_help]

I do think that, there are trust issues in our relationship. Yes she was very depressed when she cheated on her last boyfriend.

[needs_help]

I want to focus more on what I should say to her and what actions I should take. I want what is best for her, even if that means breaking up with her so she can straighten her life out and figure out who she is.

[kitkitkitty]

see, i think she needs to address these issues on her own and become an independant and single woman. this may sound like something you'd never want to do but do you really want to be her emotion crutch? these are her personal problems and for whatever the reasons she hasn't dealt with them. she's been too busy trying to find herself and she does this through guys/ bf's. of course you should be there for her but i think for her to really feel better in herself she needs to do it without a man in her life.

[needs_help]

I agree 100% with you. But I am scared that if we break up she will just find another man in her life. She has recently started going to church with a friend she just met. They have been talking quite a bit. She could easily just start dating him and nothing will be solved.

[kitkitkitty]

you need to tell her that although you may not officially be together, you're doing it for all the right reasons, not to spite her. you're not going anywhere but you've gotta give her the space she needs to FINALLY become the person she needs to be. tell her you'll wait for her and that you still feel exactly the same about her and that she needs to trust you. maybe go with her to her GP to kickstart everything so she doesn't feel alone. if she goes off with this other guy you know that it unfortunately wasn't meant to be. but talking to this guy seems to just be part of the cycle of her current life that she needs to break.

[cancankant]

It's bad news. She may never totally alleviate the symptoms of her depression, but until she learns how to deal with it, she's going to bounce from person to person because that's what makes her feel good. That heady romantic love kicks her out of that depression state a little, but she's afraid to a make a break from her steady boyfriends because you might be a fling. She needs to learn to stand on her own and be her own woman. Then having a boyfriend is a life enhancement, not a crutch, and she's going to be less likely to cheat on someone.

I was a serial cheater before I met my husband. I told him up front that if I'm being taken care of, everything is fine, but if I'm being neglected, trouble starts to brew. I suffer from depression as well, and I've learned to deal with it. It hasn't always been easy, but I've been with my husband 14 yrs. and haven't cheated on him. It's a sign of maturity to say to yourself, "My current relationship is worth more to me than any other relationship."

Your friend can't say the same. She was willing to cheat on her boyfriend and wants to continue the relationship as well, instead of just breaking up with him if she isn't happy. That shows that she is very dependent of having a man in her life, no matter how he treats her or she treats him. It's not a good type of person to be involved with, and honestly, I can't believe she's opened up to you so much with this depression/sob story. I have a feeling you feel sorry for her, but don't. Her condition isn't your concern, and frankly, you should be angry with her for putting you in what could be an awkward or even dangerous situation of being the "other man".

EDIT: Oops, I missed the part that you two got caught. I still think she has a lot of issues that you're not comfortable with. This won't change overnight.

[needs_help]

So what do you think I should do?

[VincenzoG91]

I don't think that there is much that you can do. She needs to grow up and take responsibility for her actions, and until she does that, you can't really trust her.