Choosing between two guys

[ConfusedAlex]

I have encouraged him so many times to get help. The way that he talks sometimes I'm afraid he's going to do something drastic, especially if I leave :/ That's one of the biggest things that's kept me from ending things already, because we have had a pretty rocky relationship overall. He's depressed so often and I just don't know how to make it better. He refuses to talk to someone because he thinks that western psychology is useless.

Just be careful you're not allowing yourself to be emotionally blackmailed. Western psychology isn't useless, its a typical excuse to procrastinate and not actually get he help, but knowing how expensive it can be, and that considering you're both in college and don't have loads of money to throw around, it might seem like a waste of time. Its something he clearly needs help with. He can't hold you hostage to his own problems.

Yes, or when I talk about something and less than a minute later he asks a question that I had just answered in what I said. That happens so often, it's like he doesn't even listen to me sometimes. If he spent as much time listening to me as he does staring at my chest I think things would be a lot better. Lol!

Lol, yeah mea culpa. I have that tendency. Its usually that you have so much going through your mind, and you're so keen to get it all out, you don't listen to what people are saying in response to you. I can understand why you find people like me and David so frustrating. He'll grow out of it, but I guess the question is do you want to stick around while he does?

[ConfusedAlex]

Well, David and I talked about a lot of things last night. He said that he was feeling really overwhelmed with school and is going to drop one of his classes which will free up some time and hopefully with his stress level down things won't be quite as bad. Something that worries me is that when I said I wanted us to take more time for ourselves, he got incredibly upset. I made it clear that I need more time to get stuff done, because I'm already falling behind in school and I barely eat/sleep because of my work and school schedule. We've seen each other every single day except one for the past year or so and we don't live together. So it's been a bit excessive/distracting lol I think that this will be a good 'test' for our relationship. We need to be able to do things independently of each other, and if he really has a problem with me pursuing my degree then our issues probably can't be resolved. But like you said, if things do go further south I'll at least know that I tried.

Jeez, you aren't kidding. We've both changed so much since we started going out together. It's hard to keep up. Yeah...I was running on no food and 4 hours of sleep yesterday and I think I was just looking for something to verify my feelings and I kept finding those articles about codependency and identified with them lol But I think you're right about that, I looked some more into it and it's total crap, it's not even in the DSM. Guess this means no more excuses for me!

I have encouraged him so many times to get help. The way that he talks sometimes I'm afraid he's going to do something drastic, especially if I leave :/ That's one of the biggest things that's kept me from ending things already, because we have had a pretty rocky relationship overall. He's depressed so often and I just don't know how to make it better. He refuses to talk to someone because he thinks that western psychology is useless.

Yes, or when I talk about something and less than a minute later he asks a question that I had just answered in what I said. That happens so often, it's like he doesn't even listen to me sometimes. If he spent as much time listening to me as he does staring at my chest I think things would be a lot better. Lol!

Thanks again, I appreciate your level headed responses

One other thing, you mentioned you've spent every day together. I've never lived together with a partner, even when we've been together for two years. Guys I'm seeing, usually see them around 3 - 4 times a week, so we can keep our own interests and our own life. Every day seems a bit excessive.

[ConfusedAlex]

So what do you guys think about this? Mark knows that David and I are having issues, although I haven't gone into many details. (I really hate whining to people; I feel bad enough whining to the internet lol Besides that's my and David's business, not Mark's) There was one day I was incredibly upset and let it slip that David was a bit antisocial and our personalities kind of clashed, but that's it. Up until now when he's asked "So how are things with you and David?" I've usually given responses like 'good' or 'not good', something vague like that. And Mark usually just says 'Well, whatever happens I hope things work out/I hope that you're happy/etc" But last night, he caught me off guard by saying "Doesn't really seem to me he cares, but that's just my take. You should probably ask someone else who has more information than I do." (FYI, I didn't ask his opinion - he asked me how things were going and responded with that. Then he said "Otherwise it's a bit unfair, you can't stay with someone who treats you bad or doesn't care or just because you think they'll do something crazy."

So my bs radar is on full blast, but I'm still terrible at picking up on this kind of stuff. He could be a friend trying to look out for me, OR he could be intentionally trying to get me to end things with David so I'll go out with him, which I'm not sure I could do right away anyway. The fact that my mother and brother don't care for David and my friends...oh wait...I don't have friends because I spend all of my time with David lol But when I did have friends they weren't really on board with my relationship either. So now I'm just all sorts of confused -_-

Oh, and also last night when I was talking to David he said that he thinks a lot about 'going far away'. Dropping out of school, quitting his job, and moving in with a friend out of state or something. I told him to do whatever will make him happiest. He said if he did that he would just disappear one day. What is that supposed to mean? Am I supposed to anticipate him leaving suddenly or something? Very random.

Yeah, after having read this, I'm pretty sure you should think very carefully about whether you want to continue the relationship. It seems like he has some problems, and that you're suffering because of this. It isn't fair that you should be bound to someone out of habit and also concern they might harm themselves. Not a healthy situation for you to be in. Take care, good luck with it

[ConfusedAlex]

Well, I ended things with David last night. I stopped by my mom's house and shared everything with her and she was afraid that he would try to hurt me or something...she was so worried, it really made me take a step back and look at our relationship in a different way. We really were just feeding each others misery. I just hope that David gets the help that he needs. Last night he mentioned that he is 'what they would refer to as schizophrenic' and that sometimes he felt like he was possessed...I'm really worried about him. But I've decided that a year of worrying for someone else is more than enough and I need to move on. We both need to move on.

Funny thing is, I was so afraid of upsetting him but he seemed more confused than anything else. "So...you don't love me." was his response. "You don't care about me." He said that we could work things out but we've tried so many times...he didn't have an answer for that one. He started crying eventually and that's when I knew it was time to go. I just couldn't let myself be guilt tripped again. I almost didn't go through with it because at first when I got to his house he was so happy. But then the typical things kicked in with him getting annoyed with me over stupid things, making negative comments, throwing pity parties...I'm tired of playing a victim and not enjoying my life.

Once I get over this sick, guilty feeling I'm sure I'll be able to do that lol It's easy when I look at it logically that things just weren't meant to be, but my heart still hasn't gotten the memo. It's just so weird; he was my only friend for so long and now I'm on my own. I know it's for the best but it's just a strange feeling.

Anyway, thanks Alvy and Alex.

I think you did the right thing. Relationships are supposed to be equal ventures, and it sounds the one you were in was more 80:20. And the stuff about being possessed and mental illness, he clearly needs professional help and will only get worse the longer he goes without it.

[Illusional]

well first off, i've only read your first post so if there is other information through out this thread, i didn't read it...


so lemme offer you advice. i was just in mark's position. i was dating this girl that went back to her ex and that is life. with that in mind, i think that you might not want to leave your comfort zone, and that goes for your bf. true, recently he started to show his affection, but that is only because he feels that he might loose you. he doesn't know about the other guy and i think that it's better that you keep things this way. one, he'll probably try harder with you for the time being, but after mark has passed, he'll revert back to his ways in treating you as a random gf with "just getting by" emotions. and two, it will probably start a huge fight in that someone WILL get hurt.

honestly i dunno if mark is the one, but if i were you, i'd try it out because you may or not regret it. you've tried things out with david, and you have come to a stand point where you two are either too comfortable with one another that the feelings have dwindled. me personally, i'm all about risking it all, and i would suggest a change in your life. if you need more info, email me because i don't browse the forums too often.


raverboy

[nerdy_guy]

You're better off dating Illusional

[CoffeeShot]

Ugh, I think I messed up. I felt so sick and miserable today, I started texting him :/ We ended up talking things out and he says he wants to change, that most of our problems probably come from the fact that he's really introverted and I'm extroverted and if we just work on communication things might get better. He said I was everything to him, etc, etc. And then I went over there tonight and we started talking about moving in together. I felt better at first, earlier, but now I feel kind of queasy like I'm not sure what I should really be doing. Life just seems so much more real when I'm with him, the connection that we have is so strong. But I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing anymore. He's just so awesome sometimes, but then other times I just don't know what to think. He said he would do whatever it takes to stay together. I guess we'll see if he actually means it.

**** this is so annoying...maybe this was a stupid idea.

[ConfusedAlex]

Ugh, I think I messed up. I felt so sick and miserable today, I started texting him :/ We ended up talking things out and he says he wants to change, that most of our problems probably come from the fact that he's really introverted and I'm extroverted and if we just work on communication things might get better. He said I was everything to him, etc, etc. And then I went over there tonight and we started talking about moving in together. I felt better at first, earlier, but now I feel kind of queasy like I'm not sure what I should really be doing. Life just seems so much more real when I'm with him, the connection that we have is so strong. But I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing anymore. He's just so awesome sometimes, but then other times I just don't know what to think. He said he would do whatever it takes to stay together. I guess we'll see if he actually means it.

**** this is so annoying...maybe this was a stupid idea.

Its confusing because you clearly care about him deeply. I think you're probably more tolerant of his faults than many women would be, and also have the sort of personality that you can appreciate his good qualities. Make sure he gets the help he needs, make sure you take care of yourself, be cautious and circumspect, but don't foreclose the possibility of reconciling. Just take it slow, see what happens.

You clearly love him a lot, and are very mature for your age; love can be confusing, always take it slow and steady, and I don't think you can go wrong.

[Illusional]

You're better off dating Illusional

that is true..!!! i would be better than both of these guys combined, but don't go whoring me out like that... i'm into asian chicks remember??

Ugh, I think I messed up. I felt so sick and miserable today, I started texting him :/ We ended up talking things out and he says he wants to change, that most of our problems probably come from the fact that he's really introverted and I'm extroverted and if we just work on communication things might get better. He said I was everything to him, etc, etc. And then I went over there tonight and we started talking about moving in together. I felt better at first, earlier, but now I feel kind of queasy like I'm not sure what I should really be doing. Life just seems so much more real when I'm with him, the connection that we have is so strong. But I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing anymore. He's just so awesome sometimes, but then other times I just don't know what to think. He said he would do whatever it takes to stay together. I guess we'll see if he actually means it.

**** this is so annoying...maybe this was a stupid idea.

anyways, coffee... you're so damn fickle. so you talk to your boy about moving in, which is always the next step and you're in love with him again?? give me a damn break. that's like him telling that you he's always wanted to try so hard, yet he doesn't know how, but deep down inside he loves with you all his heart. it's sometimes so easy to get your girls back because you love hearing all the bullshit. trust me, i did the same things before in my life. you're looking for commitment and something sturdy, yet all you know that is a "definite" relationship is your past. you're not willing to look for something better, which is why you're a sucker for your bf. let me ask you this, why don't you try and give him a month and see if things change. do you really think he won't go back to his normal ways?? if after a month, he still hasn't forgetting to treat you like a queen and it's a good deal, but i highly think that he's desperately trying to hold onto you because HE doesn't want to be alone.


raverboy