Blown out of proportion?

[fantasy123]

Background: long distance relationship ~3 years

So my lab for school decided to do something fun. Chose a shooting range + dinner after. Told my girlfriend that "we are gonna go to the shooting range probably for a few hours at 5:30 and probably dinner after". And she was going to be in class until probably 9 and she won't get back until a little after 9pm.

Anyways, the range took about 2 hours and we are having dinner. While I was having dinner, I texted her I love you while she was in class, she asked where I was, I told I'm having Indian food (she had called me before and I missed it). and she said have fun...

Ok... 45 minutes later, I get back. she is pissed.

pissed at me not actively tell her where I was, how long I was going to be.
on top of that, I was out hanging out with girls (5 guys 2 girls in lab)
I tried to explain like, I texted her, I told her where I was, I knew she was in class, she also said she was gonna talk to her mom after class... (turned out she got out early).
this made it worse, she then goes on saying I'm trying to placate her with the I love you text.

THIS IS IMPORTANT HOWEVER:
She is upset because 2+ years ago, we actually broke up because I was really close friends with some girls during our LDR, and really hurt her at the time. and I use to do things like not answer her phone, not responding to her text, not letting her know where I was. in her mind, I cheated on her and was a huge bastard. We've been happy as peas since. so thats why, she is upset, and thats why I shouldn't get defensive when she ask me questions like "what were these girls like, did I try to flirt with them, etc etc"

which, is really hard for me sit there as she literally, mocks me, justfyingly, because of what she imagine had happens 2+ years ago. I honestly did not want to argue because once she justified in her head that its ok to be upset, I can not tell her to "calm down". and when I say I can not, I mean, I don't have the right to question anything she says.

so I guess my question is, what should I do here... just take everything, say sorry, because I screwed up in the past and she has free reign to own me whenever she feels upset or jealous regardless of if its actually justified?

[mywitsend]

Never tell an angry person to "calm down", good life lesson. hahaha

If this issue is in the past you need to have a serious discussion about forgiveness and moving on. If she doesn't have faith you won't cheat/cheat again you two are totally doomed.

Tell her how much you love her, try not to specificly discuss what happened in the past, you'll just go in circles about what did/didn't happen. What matters really is just what is happening now. You feel poorly that no matter what you've done to remedy the wrongs of late, its not good enough. Look her in the eyes and ask her if she truely believes you would cheat, and there is both your answers.

[fantasy123]

for the record, I didn't actually say "calm down". I stayed very calm and let her say whatever she wanted to say pretty much

and thanks, I never cheated on her 2 years ago. She is really set on the idea that I was at school, hanging out with these girl knowing it would hurt her and it was some master plan to purposely hurt her. which wasn't, I was upset because I knew the other girls before dating her and obviously I wasn't balancing well and wasn't doing my role as a boyfriend, but it was my first relationship and I really WAS upset about it, and wanted to keep my old friends and my new girlfriend... but she refuses to "buy" that, she refuses to buy that I was confused and wanted to do the right thing. and it bugs me when she tells me to "go to counseling" because I have major problems dealing with what happened etc, which I even went for some weeks... got nothing out of it.

I still think, what happened at the time was, I had 2 close female friends, I didn't think its problematic, she did, I thought she was overreacting but I wanted to be with her, so I didn't break it off with my friends then things got worse. then when I decided to break it off with my female friends we got back together.

and yet we still talk about that, which is the root of this problem as she admits. to her, I "cheated on her". I dunno what she wants me to admit to be honest... its like so frustrating when she wants me to talk about the past and "own up to what I did". which I did... its not like I'm sitting here saying to her "I did nothing wrong back then..."

and her ideals about befriending opposite sex is sooo conservative. she actively avoid befriending guys, she didn't even tell me that some latino guy gave her kiss on the cheeks (their normal way of greeting) because she thought it would upset me. which is fine, I guess, but I mean... mentioning names of females with her is like walking in a minefied

[mywitsend]

I think my advice still stands. Ask her if she trusts you, if no, what needs to happen for that to be the case. Can anything be done? If yes, get off your back, right?

[mywitsend]

I think my advice still stands. Ask her if she trusts you, if no, what needs to happen for that to be the case. Can anything be done? If yes, get off your back, right?

[fantasy123]

she does trust me not to cheat on her or anything like that.

but when little things remind her of the past she gets sensitive and takes it out in sarcasm which makes it hard for me to respond to and then I get defensive and problem escalates.

[martial_wolf]

Fantasy, you are saying that she is being sarcastic and telling you to own up to some fling she thinks happened? First off, personally I don't think you did anything wrong when you tried to keep your friends. Trust me, I understand wanting to be with a person but your friends are just that, and she has literally no right to tell you that you can't spend your time with who you want. She doesn't OWN you. Also, if she really cared about you she wouldn't mock you. I'm sorry, and she sounds like me which is why I know this is true when I say it, but she needs to get over the fact that you are going to have friends, and she is insecure. You do need to ask her if she honestly trusts you not to cheat on her, and believes that you didn't before. Because if she doesn't trust you enough to believe you in the first place, she isn't good for you.

[all alone]

my buddy was in a similar situation, let's just say it didn't end pretty.. She hated what he had done and even if things were okay, whenever they got into a fight she would bring it up, he hated that it always came up because he thought it was long in the past. If your not prepared for her to behave like this continually, then get out.. because it won't get better unless you address the problem, and unfortunately, you have given her reason to worry.