the mistake

[eljusticiero67]

i am in total distress right now... i love my girlfriend so incredibly much, for over 3.5 years.. so much so that i never thought it would have come to this....

we are currently in a period where she needs some space to see if she wants to be in the relationship any longer. its so damned painful right now. especially since there is another guy involved....

for about a year or so I was feeling depressed because i had a job that i didnt like and i let it affect my relationship. it sapped the energy from me. the whole time she was very supportive but i did not put a ton of effort into the relationship, and it left me desiring sex less. though i loved her, and I let her know it all the time since I am an exceptionally affectionate person. what also made me lazy was that i always felt that there would be no way she would ever leave me and (i felt that) I knew that she wanted to marry me, and if she ever felt like something was wrong she would bring her concerns to me cause she's an honest and sweet girl.

in fact she did bring up her concerns saying that we were lacking passion, but she brought it up in a very subdued way and I always told her that i didnt think it was a problem because we knew we loved each other-- i guess i always had the idea we had love and "what more do you need."

so I totally admit that I messed things up terribly for a year. and i wish i could take things back. i really do.

because recently, after I moved to baltimore to start a grad program and she moved to philly for a grad program, she told me we needed to break it off. i was completely taken aback and asked her why, and she said that we had "mismatched energies." the thing is, because my job was affecting me so much, once i moved to baltimore things started picking up for me a lot. and i wanted to prove it to her, by bringing her out and meeting all my friends and showing her my life. but it never got to that. she told me she wanted to break things off only 4 weeks after we started attending our programs. She eventually stated that she wanted to take time off instead�

she says that she didnt feel like she missed me much when we were apart and that, when she met this guy (who she didnt hook up with yet) that she felt a strong connection and that it must have meant that there was something wrong with our relationship.

first i dont think being interested in another person meant anything. i told her in my program its a big ****ing joke that everyone flirts w each other even though everyone is taken. even i do that. second we lived with each other for over 2 years and after a couple months, even i felt kind of nice to be on my own after so long. i also dont think there was really so much of a problem of passion, as we had a beautiful weekend together shortly after we moved to our respective cities. and everyone i have spoken to has told me that everytime they saw us we looked like a new couple because we were always so into each other.

my take on it is that, aside from the mistake i made of that one year where i was depressed and did not put so much energy into the relationship (ie taking her out, writing her notes etc), our expression of love had become unremarkable and she didnt notice when these forms of expression occurred. for example, she said we never complemented each other anymore, but that is not true at all. I have a very peculiar way of complementing her and I know it was there, but she just doesn�t remember it because its from the same old guy that had been complementing her for 3.5 years. She didn�t remember that weekend we had together only three weeks ago where at one point she cried as we held each other in an emotional peak of love, and she didn�t remember all these very recent times that I specifically pointed out that we had together that were amazing.

she keeps on telling me that she is still in love with me. but its so confusing to think that shes in love with me but doesnt want to be with me.

everything tells me that this is such a terrible mistake. i acknowledge that i made the mistake at the beginning by having such a lack of energy, but i think she is throwing this relationship away. it can be fixed, but shes using superficial means of measurement to tell if were right for each other (ie "mismatch of energies" when my lack of energy was a fluke, "not complementing each other", "being interested in someone else means there is something wrong with our relationship", "doesn't miss me")

any help would be appreciated......

[spiritofjosh]

She still loves you but the new guy is just something "new" in her life and will most likely fade away when she realizes she misses you. I don't want to get your hopes up and say that will definitely happen but its a possibility. I sort of went through the same situation 2 months ago. Me and my now ex dated 5 years and she broke up with me because she felt I didn't care about her like I used to and that me being out of work left me losing my temper on her all the time and she got sick of it. But she didn't fall out of love with me so I doubt your girlfriend will. Only time will really tell, you have to see how it pans out, at worst she could end up with that mentioned other guy but at best she'll realize she loves you and if you end up back together you'll have learned what mistakes not to make. Good luck.

[eljusticiero67]

So she finally dumped me. Stating that she never wanted to marry me-- this is a new story in fact. cause when she initially came to me with her problems, she said she was unhappy. but now she changed it saying that she never wanted to marry me and that she always had doubts. i dont buy it though. cause if she had doubts she would have worn them like a plaid jumpsuit; i would have seen it in her face and behaviors all the time. and we made so many unconditional promises of marriage, having kids, owning homes. who makes such promises if they have doubts?? i just dont buy it.

i think its more likely she has been swept off her feet by meeting this new guy and being in this new situation and im not around to remind her of what kind of love we had. to me this is so selfish, immature and myopic. 3.5 years and then its over after a mere 3 weeks of uncertainty? that is not giving a relationship its due respect.

[Agape]

"so I totally admit that I messed things up terribly for a year. and i wish i could take things back. i really do. "

vs

"she met this guy (who she didnt hook up with yet) that she felt a strong connection and that it must have meant that there was something wrong with our relationship. "

-

She might still 'love' you but she probably can continue on in your relationship, it's not 'worth' it for her - it's unfair that she needs to pick up all the slack. . . 1 year is quite a lot of time.

[SoCalGirl86]

Wow your relationship sounds like mine. I felt the same way your girlfriend felt and I still do at times. I am married though, but we have split up twice now (been together for 7 1/2 years, married for just over 2 years now). We are currently together but again having issues. Just let her go as hard as it is going to be, she doesn't know what she wants, you are willing to giver her the world but she rather see whats out there, I can say that because that is how I see it and feel myself. You can learn from your mistakes and don't do them again when you get into another relationship.

[princedant]

"I am sure it is possible. Everything will be a bit different, but we will handle it somehow and discover new opportunities we could never even think of now"

[M08well]

Being in grad school is a whole new set of responsibilities and changes-which I'm sure you don't need me to tell you that. But your lives are changing and are completely consumed right now by school, research, etc. Seeing someone else may be what she needs to verify she does want to be with you. I'm not saying give up-but it seems like maybe a break to see other people may be healthy for the two of you. You mentioned you were not there for her during a year at a job, but a bad job may not be the only reason for that. Maybe you were not completely happy and that was your way of working things out for yourself-and now you know you want to be with her. I would give her some space-not completely move on, but some space to let her realize the same. Sounds like things will end up working out-just let her figure things out on her own as well. Good luck

[Poetic_Partner]

We say we are willing to fight for our lover, but we often forget, in the process, to fight for our lover's happiness.

We say we would be willing to die for our lover, but have trouble letting the relationship die for them.

Easier said than done, I know, but true none-the-less.

-PP

[eljusticiero67]

Socalgirl,
What made you decide to get back with your boyfriend/ husband after experiencing these same situations? Did you date anyone else in the interim?

S

[girl68]

I felt like your gf. First long love blah blah blah. He got comfortable and lazy. I brought it up to him soo many times. At 3 years we were having troubles at 4 years we started taking breaks, yes I met and dated other men and boy was I smitten these guys they paid me all the compliments and attention I wasn't getting at home. Was I wrong in seeking it out? Yes, was it justified though? IMO- yes. Would I do it again? No, I know better now.

Sounds like you just died on her and she wasn't willing to wait around any longer that's not bad on her part. So I think you just need to pick yourself up and see this as lesson learned. We all go through rough patches, but a YEAR? That's a long time to expect someone to endure.

I hope that you, like my ex learned that relationships WILL suffer, if you don't pay enough attention to them.

[eljusticiero67]

Thanks everyone for your support. A lot of people have been telling me that this is some kind of phase. i can understand such an argument, especially to be on her own for a while and explore. but what makes it so hard is the manner in which she has done this-- to just throw everything away and claim she never intended to marry me (which I will never believe, till the day i die) and that there is another guy involved. if she wanted to explore, why go off with another guy? what am i supposed to think if she decides to come back, fter having been with another guy. she might as well have cheated on me. its all just so selfish and immature. i know that i am at fault for setting things in motion with my aloofness (mind you, not emotional aloofness-- because i loved her so much and showed it ALL the time-- but that of energy), but ending 3.5 years after 3 weeks of uncertainty, and barely giving me a reason at first just seems so whimsical and immature and heartless.

i just feel so angry....

[girl68]

WHOA- it is NOT SELFISH to go explore (with other men and women). For you to claim that is stupidity on your part. She is soo damn young (you too) to put all your eggs in this one relationship basket. You BOTH need to know if there's something better or at least a better match for you as you grow and change. If she comes back after being with another guy the choice is yours forget about her past take her back in whole or NOT forget and DON'T take her back. Her choice to leave was her choice, don't you dare shame her for that. She will have to face the fact if she comes running back. Until then GET BUSY.

[eljusticiero67]

im sorry i have to disagree. to be with someone for 3.5 years, making all sorts of unconditional promises of marriage and faithfulness to each other, and then cut it off so suddenly with a different guy? i think that is selfishness. i am not saying that she should just have to be with me alone and anything else is being selfish. but you dont throw away a 3.5 year relationship without addressing the problems first or even giving me reasons i know are not true (and I am sure you think that I have my perspective on whats true-- but really, i dont think she had doubts about our relationship and I have lots of evidence to back that claim)-- the fact that she is giving me these reasons i know arent true tells me that she is in fact rationalizing her desire to simply replace me. replacing someone is selfish. there have been so many times where i met someone who seemed just like my girlfriend but just a little bit more. but i never went through with it. cause, well, if you dont know why thats wrong then i dont know what to say.

[eljusticiero67]

and just to clarify, i didnt die completely. i showed her so much affection and love still, including compliments (again, which I can verify with tons of emails etc). we even started doing new things, like biking all over cape cod, hiking, and visiting different parts of boston-- almost all initiated by me. i tried so hard given my circumstances. i mean i had insomnia for 2 months out of that year, i had chronic back pains, and i developed anxiety issues.

i think the problem she was experiencing-- which she mentioned to me-- was that it wasn't with the vigor that I had when we first met. which i felt like is such a silly comparison in the first place. like thats just an emotional high, its not real. i mean, i definitely should have increased the frequency of these new things we would do, and took her out on dates more and had been more spontaneous with my expressions of love (as my compliments and expressions, while a LOT [i mean, really a lot. i told her how lucky i was to have her almost on a daily basis] had been the same over 3.5 years).

[girl68]

im sorry i have to disagree. to be with someone for 3.5 years, making all sorts of unconditional promises of marriage and faithfulness to each other, and then cut it off so suddenly with a different guy? i think that is selfishness.

Unless she cheated she did nothing wrong! She was faithful! (unless she cheated) She had a change of heart, and you're blashing her as heartless. What's she SUPPOSED to do? stick around unhappy- don't think so. I think you said in your first post she brought problems up, but I guess you weren't hearing her.