Marry or Walk Away

[RdHrshyKss]

yeah i didn't even acknowledge that aspect of it. her behavior is not acceptable and if it's affecting you in the workplace you need to tell someone. i mean, she is harrassing you. this reminds me of what another forumer went through awhile back. it's no joke, talk to HR and get this shit settled before it gets dangerous.

[Agape]

Cut her out of out of your life . . .she's toxic

[utterlyblue]

I was reflecting about why I wrote in this forum, and why I'm checking back so often. And I think the reasons are pretty obvious: I'm looking for support, validation and some perspective. In that order I guess.

Finding guilt and attributing responsibility to someone else for your problems is definitely a lot easier that owning up to it. I'm trying not to fall in that trap, that's why I am asking for input.

I acknowledge I entered the relationship without being in love. I didn't feel like we were a great match and I sensed those red flags. But I couldn't say no to her love and affection, and as I said, those meant a lot to me. And you can't be appreciative of someone's love and affection without loving them back. So I did love her back, and a lot.

But I also think our relationship wasn't healthy. I'm struggling to stay away from her and so I'm trying to remember everything that didn't feel right. And honestly, I really think she was being very abusive, and that I deserve better. I'm not trying to squash her or invalidate her feelings, but I need to vent this.

So this endless rant I am about to make is an attempt to feel better about myself and stick to it. These are some memories of the things that made me feel bad in one way or another and that I consider were abusive:

- in the first weekend after we started dating I went out for lunch with a friend, like I used to do every weekend. She called me and she got very angry about it. She said couples should always do things together, etc. That was my first red flag. I never went out alone with him again (which is totally absurd of me).

- she started to get very jealous of any woman. I used to have express massages at work (you know, those in the chair), and she made a crisis out of it several times. I stopped and she continued having the massage. Fair stuff.

- she accused me an infinite amount of times (yeah, that many) of looking at other women. She would pinch me or kick me if I laughed at it - I got real bruises from it. I think she stopped with the bruises when I told her half-joking that I would turn her in for domestic violence. As a result of this jealousy I stopped talking to all women except cashier and clerks, that if they weren't good looking otherwise she'd accuse me of flirting. Also I had to walk around paying attention where I was looking and actively avoiding women. It gets stressful. She was even jealous of my sister. What's funny is that my previous girlfriend told me exactly the opposite, that I was very trustworthy and that I never looked at other women.

- she didn't like me to see my friends, as I've said before. So that became stressful for me too. They would call me and I really ran out of excuses not to see them. So I started to avoid picking up the phone when they called me. When they called me and she was around I pretended the phone wasn't ringing, because I knew it would lead to an argument. The irony is she has more guy friends that I do, and talks to them no problem.

- I could never talk on the phone without her wanting to know who it was. She also prohibited me from using instant messengers. Prohibited = accusations, anger and drama.

- It became so common for her to send me nasty text messages late at night that whenever I heard my phone ring it made my heart race. Seriously. I didn't notice that till much later. These nasty messages could be about anything related to jealousy or accusations.

- as I said she prohibited me of skydiving, which is something deeply meaningful to me, and she knows it. I've always been fascinated about flying and skydiving is the closest to it I got in my life. So much that when we went to see my grandma earlier this year, after 10 years without seeing her, she was in a hospital bed and it was the first thing the told my girlfriend, this story about how I used to ask her what I had to do to fly when I was a small kid. And she made a lot of drama, accused me of being selfish and threatened to break up if I continued with it. Isn't that selfish?

- talking about threats, I never threatened break up. She did it so many times. And every time it was extremely stressful. She went cold on me and withheld affection many many times. All the while pretending everything was alright when she was among friends.

- I have a mildly high blood pressure, and it gets quite high if I get stressed. So much that my cardiologist wanted me to take pills for it (and I'm 29). But I decided to try to regulate it with exercise (more on that later…), because it had worked for me before. Also, my grandma, grandfather, uncle and aunt had brain strokes. AND none of them had high blood pressure. So I think it's understandable that I would like to take care of my health. But whenever I told her that I had to avoid fights and getting stressed she accused me of using that as an excuse, so I stopped mentioning it. She never toned down the tantrums and rage episodes. Really didn't seem like she gave a f*** about it. Whenever I mentioned I needed to go check up on my bp or that I needed to exercise she would just say I was being dramatic and that my bp only went up because I worried about it.

- about exercising, it was really hard for me to work out. She worked out in the same gym, and I could only go when she did. And she'd constantly accuse me of looking at other women, EVERY DAY. And once stopped going because she was studying, I couldn't go either. And I need it to keep my blood pressure low.

- she also didn't like me to wear new/nice clothes, especially if she wasn't around (like when I had to work somewhere else or go to meetings, etc.) And if there was any woman involved then it would be even worse.

- I always supported her in her study and went to 4 different cities in the country for these exams she had to take. In one of those I hurt my shoulder from carrying her heavy luggage all around. And that was fine, I never blamed her for it, of course. I mention this because she didn't want me to go to the doctor and made a hell of a crisis because I had to go to physiotherapy. I did some sessions but she kept saying it was useless and things of the sort - but I know it was because physiotherapists are usually women. So it's been 5 months and my should still hasn't completely healed. I also think this is selfish.

- she accused me of letting my family exploit me financially, because I help my mother and my sister support themselves. Yet she would go in debt and borrow money from me, not pay back and accuse me of being cheap and getting angry if I asked for that money when I didn't have enough. She would say I'd pay everything for any other girlfriend but not for her. Which is just absurd. My last girlfriend paid her share of things even though she made a lot less money. And she went into to debt because she loves clothes, not because she has to pay the rent or support her family.

- she would also say I didn't have enough savings for the future, that I spend too much money. At the same time she'd say bad things about my car how it is too old and stuff in front of other people who have better cars than me. But I didn't buy a new car yet because I don't want to spend my savings. Makes sense?

- last year she decided she wanted to get breast implants. I respected that but I didn't like the idea, I read up a lot on it and just though that there were too many risks. But she did anyway, and I supported her. But I got really mad when she wouldn't let me go with her to the doctor because she would have to show her breasts to him. Not because I was extremely jealous but because I just found that so unfair after all her jealousy crisis. I couldn't go have my hair cut alone and she needed go show this 40 years old doctor how her new breasts look WITHOUT me? I think thats disregard for my feelings and just selfish too.

- as I said before, she wouldn't let me go and see anyone or go anywhere without asking first, and usually if she didn't want or couldn't go I wasn't going either.

- she is very intolerant and I can't make mistakes. I can't step on her toes accidentally without she raising her voice and calling me awkward or accusing me of never paying attention. I can't forget things. I always have to be thoughtful. She intolerant of everyone, not just me. She's also homophobic. Thinks gay people are all promiscuous and inherently defective. She gets angry when she sees a gay couple.

- I told her a couple of times that she treated her friends better than she treated me and I thought that was weird. She said "of course, we have intimacy" as if intimacy allowed for abuse.

- she usually plays nice and doesn't do nasty things when we are among friends. In the beginning I found that really disturbing. We just had a fight in private and 5 minutes later she was laughing out loud with co workers while I was really upset. Also when I know there is something in the air I start avoiding being alone with her because I know thats when she will release her anger.

- and what is the worse of all to me: she never takes any responsibility for her behavior. She says it's ALL because I didn't commit to her. And I've been thinking about this, and I probably bought into that stuff because I noticed that I really stopped standing up for myself about 6 months into the relationship, when she first asked me about marriage and I said we weren't ready.

- but… everything is fine… as long as I stay on track (her tracks)… oh yeah, and that we get married.

I sound bitter and sarcastic… I guess I just had too much of that.

Thanks for reading.

[RdHrshyKss]

yeah, keep staying strong and avoid her. she is NOT healthy for you at all. sounds to me like she is extremely insecure, controlling, and might even be narcissistic to the point that it's impossible for her think about anything without it revolving around her in some way. everything you listed here are good reasons to leave someone, and there are SOOO MANY OF THEM. stay away from her. she needs psychological help...and it sounds like she's been successful finding boyfriends who are willing to bow down to her hand and foot...hopefully you leaving her will force her to come to some kind of realization (if she doesn't find someone else right away) about how unhealthy her outlook on relationships is and will try to get help for herself. the only way anything will change is if she gets help, and most of the things you listed are pretty severe in my opinion. this girl won't be stable for a very long time...may never be stable if she keeps finding guys to prey on. don't talk to her, avoid her at all costs...she is a disaster.

how are things going at work? have you had any issues?

[utterlyblue]

Things at work are ok thus far. My boss has known us for years and he let me work at a different location for now. I don't know how she'll behave when she realizes I am not coming back. She's been sending me text messages and tried calling me but I've been avoiding her. I don't think she'll do anything too crazy at work because she works there and I know she cares a lot about what people think of her. So much so that the last text she sent me was because she's mad at me for opening up to this friend at work, who was really the closest friend I had to talk to. She thinks he and our boss are looking her in a judgmental way and that they've been talking with each other about us.

I really miss her good side and I feel bad for doing this, I wish there was some other way. I still haven't decided about taking time off work and I think I'm still trying to convince myself that breaking up is the thing to do.

[RdHrshyKss]

Things at work are ok thus far. My boss has known us for years and he let me work at a different location for now. I don't know how she'll behave when she realizes I am not coming back. She's been sending me text messages and tried calling me but I've been avoiding her. I don't think she'll do anything too crazy at work because she works there and I know she cares a lot about what people think of her. So much so that the last text she sent me was because she's mad at me for opening up to this friend at work, who was really the closest friend I had to talk to. She thinks he and our boss are looking her in a judgmental way and that they've been talking with each other about us.

I really miss her good side and I feel bad for doing this, I wish there was some other way. I still haven't decided about taking time off work and I think I'm still trying to convince myself that breaking up is the thing to do.

DO NOT feel bad about this. she did this to herself. maybe this awkward feeling she'll get at work will help her realize just how freakin crazy she is. stay away from her and don't think about her. she was abusive, selfish, and just plain obnoxious. keep your head up. things will eventually start to feel better when you realize how less stressed and controlled you will feel. no more craziness. good luck.

[Agape]

wow dude . . . long post (sorry, didn't actually read it in whole but skimmed through it and read certain lines with red-flag keywords)

--> walk away.

[sea_of_madness]

hey i have had similar experiences please email me at i_got_no_smoke at hotmail dot com. unfortunately i dont have enough posts to send a PM

thanks
S

[Raven_Skye]

You don't seem like a bad guy. It's not your fault that you don't want to marry yet, or her. Admittedly, it isn't the smartest thing you've done to stay with her that long while you're not in love with her, if you know what I mean. However.. I have to say that I too, stayed in a long relationship that wasn't very good for me (though not abusive, or forced almost like yours), just because I loved the idea of being with him more than I actually loved him. I think. It's still hard to explain, and it always comes in hindsight, but it comes down to the fact that I am drawn to people who love me. If someone loves me, I tend to easily love them, even if I wouldn't have normally. I know myself now, so am not as easily fooled anymore, but I know what you mean, sort of.
But you seem like you have let her run all over you. In every way possible. She controlled anything and everything. You should not let someone who you're in a relationship with decide who and when you are allowed to see, or if you can or can't go skydiving. I wouldn't be happy with having someone who did that a lot (though I would be curious to try it myself even though I am scared of heights bigtime.. but I guess that makes the rush even bigger.. I love rollercoasters too hehe) but it's something you LOVE and she should have respected that. Put aside her fears of you one day having a failing chute or something. If it was even that for her. She sounds like the person that would forbid you to skydive not because she was scared of somethign happening to you, but because she knew you loved it and it was something just yours. She wanted you dependant on her. She's bad news.

Forcing you to marry her, just not the way it works. She did all this to herself, you can miss her, it happens I know, but don't feel sorry for her. And please, don't go back to her. Find yourself a new, decent gf when you're ready. But not on the rebound.
Anyway, another thing, don't give in to your ex now.. don't say the things she wants to hear just because it will make her less angry. If there's any time to say how you really feel, it's now. You don't need to keep peace to save a relationship anymore.. say what you want, feel, and need to get off your chest. Say what has bothered you all this time. Call her a controlling b*tch. That's what she is. So what if she gets angry, let her pop a vein or whatever. Not yours to worry about anymore. Just you to think of now, not her. Good luck.

[utterlyblue]

Thanks for the reassurance, it's really welcome at times like this. Perhaps the hardest thing about all of this is that I simply have to go it alone, and it gets really gets rough at times. Like when I wake up, I hear a song, or I think of the great little things we used to do together, how we would play and laugh together. The other day she sent me this text "it feels like I'm being forced to rip off a big part of my heart". This feels impossible to sustain at times. I read this somewhere: We've got to jump off of cliffs and build our wings on the way down. It's on a sticky note on my computer.

By the way, don't worry about being afraid of heights, I do too, I get vertigo. Doesn't have to keep you from doing it though

It all begins when you hear that 10 minute call for the next load. You grab your gear, inspect your harness, inspect your main, your reserve. Check your altimeters. You walk to the plane. You can feel the familiar smell of jet fuel, the wind of the propeller wash on your face, and everyone is all smiles. You board the aircraft. Every one looks after each other, we check each others chutes. You lay down or sit down and chill while the plane runs for take off... and when it leaves the ground everyone cheers! You see the tandem passengers in all their fear and excitement, and you see the veteran in the corner looking out into infinity in peace. You see people with their eyes closed visualizing the jump they're about to make. You inhale the air, it gets colder and fresher. The plane arrives at 15.000 ft. Someone opens the door, sticks his head out, checks if we're in the right place. Everyone gets ready, we're all smiles again, high fives and salutes. Cameras are turned on. We check our chute one last time. Altimeter reads 15K. The light goes green and the first group is out. The plane bounces a little, you hold yourself, you feel the adrenaline. You and your group are up. You shake hands. You step out of the aircraft, maybe on the wing, just like in the movies. Someone shouts: READY! SET! GO! And the group is out. We fly close while you see the aircraft going up between your feet - you're head down. The group flies the relative wind, and pretty quickly you have formed a circle. The look in your friends faces is priceless. You fly your body and start orbiting the formation. Man, this is real freedom. When the time is up, you wave at each other and start tracking your way out in speeds of excess of 300 KPH. You look down, the ground is rushing. You wave, look up, all clear, you pitch your pilot chute. 1.5 seconds later you feel a gentle tug, you're upright, and you watch your chute deploy.... and I could go on forever.... hehehe

Again.... thank you for your words.

Wish you the best.

[RdHrshyKss]

if i could thank you 10x i would! sounds amazing...you just might have inspired me to skydive sometime in the near future

[elise4]

I only read your first post and I think a relationship with her would end up trampling your personality even more than the years of abuse you had with your family. If you want the peaceful, tranquil life you dream of, you need to cut all contact with this woman. You have strong codependency feelings you should resolve before getting into a relationship again because it looks like you're naturally attracted to toxic women like her that remind you of your mother.

It was very unfair to stay in a relationship with her because of your codependency, but at this point, it's better for both of you to just end it. You'll miss the good parts in your relationship, but she's clearly wreaking havoc on your psychological health and it won't do you no good. Think about this: if you'll ever have children, is this the kind of environment you want them to grow up in? The history would just repeat itself.