Emotionally unavailable ex?

[hope555]

oh also! I'm being honest with myself...so i'll say it..he's a VERY attractive young man. So, besides respecting his mind, I think I keep wanting to contact him to hook up?? I know this is a horrible reason, but its true. I don't ever want to date him again. But as I've mentioned before, he's the least sexual person you'll ever meet...so even if we do hang out, there's very low chance of screwing around. Don't worry...I won't actually act on this urge at all..i know it'll ruin all the progress I''ve made...also, it won't feel the same as before when I loved him....i feel like he might seem like a stranger to me now if I see him because I haven't seen him in almost 2 months. Thats all! I respect his hardwork, and find him very hot.

[BeingAlpha]

oh also! I'm being honest with myself...so i'll say it..he's a VERY attractive young man. So, besides respecting his mind, I think I keep wanting to contact him to hook up?? I know this is a horrible reason, but its true. I don't ever want to date him again. But as I've mentioned before, he's the least sexual person you'll ever meet...so even if we do hang out, there's very low chance of screwing around. Don't worry...I won't actually act on this urge at all..i know it'll ruin all the progress I''ve made...also, it won't feel the same as before when I loved him....i feel like he might seem like a stranger to me now if I see him because I haven't seen him in almost 2 months. Thats all! I respect his hardwork, and find him very hot.

I would be very careful in engaging in anything intimate with him; unlike men, women have a tougher time separating physical pleasure with emotional bonding. Its good that you are saying you will never date him again, but I assure you that thought will very likely change if you start hanging out again. The key is recognizing that your ex (and mine) possessed a lot of qualities we want in a person: hot, intelligent..etc.. but they didn't possess all the qualities -- otherwise we wouldn't have been unhappy. Both yours and mine didn't possess one very important quality: the ability to have a mature and long lasting relationship with us. I don't doubt that my ex will find someone, and I don't doubt your ex will find someone too...

Sometimes its timing, sometimes its just not the most compatible person. We tend to put on blinders because meeting ANYONE is just such a challenge. More attractive people have a tougher time actually (one would think it would be the reverse). I think frankly attractiveness is all subjective anyhow...I've done very well in certain situations and gotten blown off by girls that have no business blowing anyone off...strangely gay guys always think I am hot???

You are doing fine -- you are progressing, 2 mos of not seeing each other is great. What I have done after this relationship is sat down and figured out what things I want in a girl, what things I don't want, and warning signs for me that I am dating the same type of girl. I have found that I tend to date girls with issues...in my own life I like to fix things (mechanical etc..) so it translates over...BUT you can't fix people -- they need to come to their own realizations, ideas, thoughts, personal clarity for themselves and its best to steer clear of them.

Hope you are doing okay today.

[BeingAlpha]

Oh and to your other question -- yeah I thought about that -- maybe she is reading this and maybe she is able to figure out that I am talking about her..but I think we are being pretty vague about it all..and I keep it that way. I will never throw her name, my name, location etc.. out there. The internet is pretty permanent...didn't you see Social Network? hhaa

[hope555]

HAHA...gay guys ALSO hit on my ex a LOT!! I think he looked too clean and in-shape, that he was mistaken for gay? Not sure..but it happenned a lot! He not only msged me on facebk, but he texted me today clearly concerned about why I deleted him as a facebook friend. This is the first time in a while I've seen him react this way. Why? What should I do? I don't ever want to date him again...but I know I will fall for him if we start talking/hanging out because i'm VERY soft like that. But I don't want to be rude and hurt him either. Its funny...I'm attracted to boys that need fixing too..I feel like if I love him enough, he'll change. If they're completely unweird and normal....its too boring for me.

[hope555]

UPDATE: so we did text today. I explained why I deleted him on facebook. He didn't believe me for a while. Then he asked me a LOT about my life and what's new. Told me he's upto nothing besides work. It seems unlikely....but I have to go with what he says. I kept things very light and breezy and cheerful. Didn't ask him about his life or if he's interested in someone. Just talked about shows, movies and golf and ended it. I think this way we can stay friends. I felt nothing more than that. I think he realllllly wants to stay friends seeing how he reacted. I wouldve predicted he would have had no reaction.....surprise! Anyway....that's the latest. How's everyone else doing?

[BeingAlpha]

Well if you do want him back this is the beginning of it -- but you need to make it a long road for him. Maintain your ability to delay instant gratification...make him work to get you back. Maybe he is realizing what he lost, maybe he isn't. Maybe he will never be the person you want anyhow and its best to move on without invest more time. If you took any economics class -- this whole "we have history together" -- its a sunk cost...it doesn't matter.
The tactics if you will if you want him back still are:
1) hang out but make it short bits of time (treat it as if you are starting to date again)
2) create positive memories -- essentially eliminating from their memory any bad stuff that went down
3) basically fall back in love with each other
HOWEVER -- I want you to figure out for yourself is this guy ever going to provide the companionship etc.. that you want...he won't change..maybe you have to some degree but he won't...not without having a solid interest in it and the motivation and help to do so (counseling). And it will be a long road for you - and will be hurtful for sure.


I think its far too soon for you to be friends...or at least not friends that hang out or talk very often...you sound a lot better; and with time if you continue with it -- you will feel completely better but its still important to recognize the hurt, feel the emotions, otherwise you will never fully recover.

One of the interesting things about taking time, giving each other space is that you actually get a lot of clarity, clarity on what you want, clarity on what they weren't providing. They get clarity on what they were giving up, how much they actually miss you -- interesting how the two sides work: you fall out of love, they in a weird way fall in...I think fate has a funny sense of humor.

[hope555]

Awesome post once again!!! Thank you!!! Everything is starting to look clear now!! Basically, as hard as it might be, I'm going to try to back away from him and give him a LOT of space. If he tries to contact me, I'll play it relaxed and cool similar to how I was when we were first dating (although that initial nervousness and excitement of the first meetings will be hard to recreate ever!). If he chooses to keep in touch, I'll try to do that while giving him space. He needs to intiate texts, hang-outs and make time for me...not the other way around. If he doesn't initiate any contact, I should logically tell myself that it is fine! I'm not losing out on such a great bf or friend, but he is losing out on an excellent gf and friend. I can probably find others who'll treat me better...he will have a hard time finding anyone that'll treat him with more respect, patience and love than I did (unless he changes himself). I have to keep reminding myself that I deserve better than to chase after him! The rest is his call! I have the hardest time making him work for it because he's world's most UNNEEDIEST person. He never initiates contact, or misses someone etc. So the few times he does display some form of emotion or intiates some form of contact, I jump at his command right away!Him msging me about the facebook deletion and being SO curious about my life is the most uncharacteristic thing I've seen him do....Anyway, even though that is my natural response is to give him instant gratification everytime, I will keep in mind not to do that. Hopefully I stay strong in this decision wish me LOTS of luck!

[hope555]

It turns out I have to see him this mon for a very short 30min meeting. I already told him I have his fav book still, and I'll teturn it to him at the meeting because this book means a lot to him. All the other stuff he left at my apartment are replaceable. Apart from just returning his book, if I want to instill feelings in him for me and make him miss me, what should I do? Should I just keep the conversation to a minimum and tell him busy and run back to work? Should I be really friendly and make normal convo (I am a very talkative person!) Or should I stand close to him and flirt a little, make some conversation and then leave? I'm not playing mind games. I do want him...but not without him really appreciating me. What should I do? Thanks for any advice!!!

[BeingAlpha]

This is going to be counter-intuitive...you need to pretend like you no longer want the relationship and are doing just fine without him. Its dumb...but if I may guess at how your relationship went, you were the one always contacting him, you were the one always wanting to hang out, you were the one who initiated most everything?

He didn't work at keeping you cause frankly - he didn't have to. Get over the fact that he is HOT...there are tons of HOT guys and you are a self-proclaimed and confident HOT girl. Cool -- now relax and take him off the pedestal you have put him on.

He needs to win you back... read that again He needs to win you back.... Do not devalue yourself in your own eyes or his - you have a ton to offer..to the right person who is deserving of it.

Just have a good time -- treat it as a first date (except that you know this guy has an attraction to you already) insight. Keep it short because you want to keep him wanting more... you need to be the one who ends the encounter..don't linger. Meet, talk about nothing in particular and then go back to work..this is great because you have a reason to leave anyhow.

Good luck...this needs to continue for sometime..unfortunately...before you can even broach the idea of getting back together again.

[hope555]

WOW!! You guessed exactly how our relationship was! At first he used to initiate things too. But once he got comfortable and knew he didn't have to try, he stopped trying. He always knew he could keep me around with very little, and his natural tendency is to give as little as possible and be selfish and keep himself happy. This will take a LOT of effort, because I'm naturally a very warm, talkative, open person...esp with him (obviously). Secondly, at these meetings, he tends to want to sit next to me if there is an empty spot...and then linger after the meeting for a bit to talk. But even if that happens..I should wait for him to maintain the conversation and keep it kind of cold and aloof from my side?? I screwed up yest because I texted him and asked him how this paper he's writing is going...he said its going good, how am i doing..and the i said good..and said i'm going to bed now..lol. So it was just two or three texts, but slightly ruined the aloofness I was maintaining for so long. Anyway..I will keep repeating the words "He has to win me back"..NOT the other way around!

Beingalpha..you really do have a lot of patience and amazing advice to get me through this. I can't thank you enough!

[BeingAlpha]

Hope -- no problem -- listening to your problems and being able to help you at least makes me feel somewhat better about the fact that there is nothing I can do in my situation... in a weird way its helping me to move on.

He can sit next to you -- you actually want him to remember the good times and remember what its like to be with you. Strategically you can get there early and pick a table or place that doesn't allow him to get close to you if you want...this is kind of like a battle -- strategy and calculated moves are important.

The point is -- YOU need to maintain control of when the meeting is over.. so, especially if/when things are going well -- just be like I gotta get going. By doing this you are leaving him wanting more, this is true of a past relationship or a new relationship...when someone feels they have you on lock without any effort they don't try. You can be friendly and happy -- act as if you are fine without him.

I just want you to be sure you WANT to do this before you do it...you can be very effective but if you end up with a relationship just like the one you had before the break up are you going to be happy? Also, I want you to be at a point where if he doesn't come back you are just as happy. Its not acting -- its being. Recognize that hinging your happiness on one person is not a healthy thing. My point about being ready to be single before you can be in a relationship.

I keep telling myself that I don't want the relationship I had with my ex because I know that its not good for me. Of course what I wanted her to say was: I am not willing to lose you, and I'll do whatever it takes to keep you but she didn't say that. I accept that..and need to move on from it. I also recognize that I am an amazing catch...not because people say it to me but because I personally believe it. Not everyone will be able to recognize it...and thats okay too.

Good luck Hope -- don't fret...above all know that EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY.

[hope555]

THANKS A LOT!! Those are some great, solid tips..that too from a guy's perspective..can't thank you enough! I guess with all of this i'm more trying to make him realize what he's lost and miss it, as oppossed to try to get back him back. Taking him back will require a LOT more effort from his side than just noticing me. But I want to almost deflate his selfishness and realize the worth of a trustworthy, intelligent, beautiful, loving girl. How they can enhance your life, and how your work isn't everything! Anyway...I'll keep you updated.

PS: If you dont mind me asking, how old are you? (you don't have to answer at all...just curious, because you're so wise..lol)

[BeingAlpha]

Hey Hope, well whats a little dangerous is that you are trying to make him realize what he has lost -- its probably a futile attempt. Why? If he understood or valued what he lost - -he wouldn't have lost it. Yes -- its true you never know what you've got till its gone -- so maybe he is starting to realize it but it concerns me that you are hung up on making him realize his mistake. Worry about how you feel, what you realize because that is the ONLY thing in your control is you. Let go of the urge to get back at him -- and well just become okay with whatever life is now. I don't wish my ex harm, or that she will someday be sad and realize...she is just who she is...and she isn't with me. I am 31 -- not terribly old (I don't think) but old enough to know what I want, and to have understood a thing or two about relationships. Good luck wth everything -- let us know how it goes. Funny how this has become basically a post between you and I for the whole world to see :-)

[hope555]

Thank you!!!!! I never thought of it that way!!! I think I'm getting over him. I went out for the first time to a club last night since the breakup. I realized a few things. First of all, all other boyfriends made the effort and wanted to be with their girlfriends to go out. My ex would never want to hang out with my friends, and never go to a club because he didn't drink and hated crowds....he wouldn't even do it for me if I asked for a special reason (like its my bday or something). Its hard being with someone so rigid, esp when I ask for little. He wouldn't even go for dinner with my close friends because he thought it would be awkward. Secondly, I easily got four phone number requests in one night (I didn't give them out because they weren't anyone I would date). But the point is, other hot guys notice me....so hotness shouldn't be a factor drawing me back to him. Yes, the club is a meat market and most girls get noticed.....but I still feel good. My ex was really funny, but randomly I recall he was a bit of a weirdo too....when we met and I used to try to hug him, he would push my hands away...he would say "ugh!"When I would ask him to makeout-yes I would have to ask! And he would say its boring and try to get it over with as soon as possible. We had some good conversations sometimes, but a lot of the time he would joke around even if I was serious. Anyway...those are just some examples....there's more stuff. I wouldve accepted these quirks wholeheartedly if he loved me or had emotions towards me. I think because he was my first bf, and everyone told me how hot they think he is, I put HUGE "blinders" on. Every girl I told that we're dating always said "wow! You got a really hot one!". I even told him sometimes that if he wasn't as hot, I might not put up with his behaviours. In retrospect, sometimes being too honest is not a good thing. These words probably affected him, so he would always ask me "do you actually love me or the idea of me?", and then he would start to pull away. Either way, we both need to grow up before we can have a relationship again. I only dated him, and its probably a good idea for me to date others before thinking of getting back with him. Anyway....these are my thoughts of the day.

Ps: 31 is young!! Do you like your 30s more than your 20s? You seem like a very intelligent, articulate, mature guy (wish you lived in canada...lol)...were you like this even when you were 25 or 26? I wonder if my ex will ever mature to become more humble, introspective and giving....

[Boscher]

I just wanted to say, big thanks to Alpha.

I simply substituted my ex for hers and then re-read your advice in that context for this thread. You really talk sense.

Hope : I really am sure it will all workout for you. You have a good positive attitude.