So I've been seeing a guy for about 11 months, we were a bit serious in the beginning but then he thought I wanted a serious relationship and ditched. I explained to him then that that wasn't the case and we've been friends with benefits since.
I don't have true feelings for him, however I am "intoxicated" and I need a wake up call so I can just forget him all together, 'cause in my head I know he is a jerk but I still deny this in my heart and continue to be friends with him.
So, here's a list from my HEAD, to why I think he is a jerk, please confirm if you agree with me or if you have any other inputs!
- I woke up one morning next to him, crying. He sat up, asked me "what's wrong", I said "nothing", he said "ok" and went back to sleep. I asked him about this later, he didn't remember me crying, he was basically sleeping when he asked me. Then he asked me why I was crying, but it felt like he didn't really care about the answer so I lied.
- Sometimes he doesn't respond to my messages, but thinks he has the right to be annoyed and/or upset if I act the same way.
- He talks about private intimate stuff we've done in front of his friends
- I always feel worse after I've been with him, than before seeing him. He makes me feel bad about myself, I feel like he's too good for me somehow, my self esteem and confidence drops to the bottom.
- New years eve I was sexually assaulted by a guy. A couple weeks later I met him (the one this post is about), and he was the first guy I wasn't disgusted by, and he met me when I really needed a male friend the most. I got attached and intoxicated by him as he was the first one I was intimate with afterwards and he made me not feel disgusted by myself, it was like therapy. I didn't want a romantic relationship but I needed the intimacy and the friendship. And then he just took off and all the scars from new years just tore themselves right up. I never told him about this - do you think I should?
- He "accuses" me of having sex with one of his best friends. But every time he says it it's kind of jokeful, but I think he means it, and it annoys the hell out of me every time he brings it up and he doesn't trust me when I say I haven't.
- He has serious commitment issues, I'm guessing from past relationships where his girlfriend cheated on him. But I mean, like, he can't even connect to someone on a friendly level, I don't think he has any close female friends. He told me a bunch of things in the beginning, which is why our relationship meant so much to me, the guy confiding in me, trusting me instead of acting superior and heartless which I felt all guys were being after what happened to me. He told me about his mother dying when he was little, he told me he never met his biological father and about his girlfriend cheating on him. Why do you think he told me this?
- He's basically never nice to me anymore. We meet alot, we have mutual friends that we both hang out with.
- He's arrogant, selfish, homophobic (it's an issue for me, yes), careless, cold and he lacks a conscience
Despite of all of these things, and lots of other stuff that make me dislike him, I can't stop the feelings of lust. I just start having these extremely nurturing feelings when I'm with him, I want to take care of him, I feel this weird kind of affection and I don't know why...
But I DO know that I don't, deep in my heart, have any true romantic feelings for him, so how do I let him go? We're friends with benefits like I just said, but I'm thinking that I should just stop. But how?
THANKS GUYS!