16 years of a long complicated realationship

[Cmuncher]

I was with my ex for 16 years off and on which has come to an end recently and once again it seems like I am getting F***.

We started dating when we where 16 and now have two children but never got married for various reasons. Recently she has accused me of cheating which I have not done since about 13 years ago. She is a very insecure person which is a shame because she is so beautiful and intelligent but sometimes she does really stupid things.

When we first started dating it was an immediate attraction and love for one another and at the time we where a lot alike but I have grown up and feel like she is still 16. We where young and made many mistakes she started the cheating and at the time it went back and forth. I would cheat on her to get back at her and it was very immature at the time but we where young and to me it is all water under the bridge and I think for the most part it is the same for her. Of course I am not sure because communication has always been one of our problems.
As we got older we did the normal life things. Maybe I should rephrase that. As I got older I did the normal things like improve myself professionally and personally. I bought our house supported her for all these years while she has not worked until the past 2 years since she started working at her mothers bar as a Cook which pays almost nothing but I guess it is good for her to at least get out and do something because she never likes to leave the house which is also caused by her insecurity. Not to mention she sleeps in every day to about 12:00 but she gets out of work at 10:00 at night. When she would get home she would spend hours on the computer and never do anything around the house other than cut the grass on the riding mower or the occasional load of laundry. This leaves me with just about everything else. Recently I have redone my entire house and over the past couple of months she never helped me with any of the work not to even clean up after the work. I am now 33 and I am reaching burn out level between my work and my personal life. I have a job that requires me to travel sometimes for long periods of time without coming home but I do really well and it pays for all of the things that we talked about doing in our lives together.
About 5 years ago she went out with her sister and did not get home till about 7:00 the next morning and I had a felling she cheated on me but she denied it but I broke up with her anyway. We ended up getting back together and when we did I asked her point blank if she did cheat and she said no. I believed her because I felt she couldn't do that to me. I am very secure in myself maybe almost full of myself because I usually succeed at what ever I do except this relationship. About a year after we where back together she then tells me she did cheat on me. It really bothered me that she could go that long without not saying anything. The guilt would of eaten me alive. Soon after she told me I started talking to an old friend who just happens to be a woman who I dated about 9 years ago and who is now married. When we dated my ex and I where broken up. We usually try to help each other out with our relationships she helps me a lot with a woman's perspective on things and she is my least biased friend. Since she is married and I am in a relationship we have NEVER done anything. We really don't even talk all that much other than every couple of months and I only see her maybe once a year when I stop by her business.. We have too much mutual respect for each other to have an affair. Her husband is a great guy and I would never want to hurt their relationship. I have even hung out with both of them even shot on their pool team so her husband knows about me. I told my ex about her after we got back together the time she cheated on me and I told her we where friends and she went ballistic. I told her I am not going to stop talking to her for the same reasons I said earlier. My only family are my friends and my ex and my children. I don't talk to my mother or father because their A Holes and where never their for me when I was a child growing up. My grandmother is deceased and she was my mother. I have no siblings and no cousins or family of any kind I talk to. It is nothing I did it is just the hand I have been dealt. To me it is unfair of her to ask me to stop talking to her and I have told her this but I guess I can not change the way she feels.
I tried to be honest about my friendship with her but since she forbid me to talk to her I had to sneak around to talk to my friend. Last January my ex became sick and she almost died and it really screwed up her head. For all these years she wanted to get married and we probably would have been married if she did not cheat on me. It really hurt my trust with her. I got over it sometime last year and proposed to her this past January. She told me she had to think about it. Think about what? We have been together for so long and the ring was a rock. So I thought maybe something was going on and yes I got into her e mail and there was an e mail in there that was not good but she told me nothing was going on and I believed her and I still don't think anything was going on but maybe it is because I don't want to believe it or because I am that secure in myself. So guess what we ended up back together because we do love each other that much to be able to go through all that and still get back together. We both sat down and agreed on what we would work on together. A couple of days after we where back together she found Tanya's number on my phone and again I told her we where friends and it seemed to be over. Than a couple of days ago she accused me of cheating on her with Tanya and told me that it has been eating her alive for these past couple of months and no matter what I say or do she says she doesn't trust me anymore. Isn't that hilarious after what she did to me she tells me she doesn't trust me. I have been a loyal faithful partner who has just about killed myself to improve our lives and she hasn't been but no matter what I do I can't win. Now she is also accusing me also of giving her an STD. I was tested last January and everything was negative if I got anything it was from her I had the tests done because of her. I did have sex with a couple of Women when we where broken up but I would never of had sex with anyone else if she did not cheat on me. It is just a mole and now I am going back to the doctor today to have it tested again. I actually almost hope it is cancer so the whole STD thing will be over.
I still love her more than anything else including myself and I am lost and don't know what to do at this point. Maybe their is nothing I can do with whatever she has made up in her mind but I think it is an unfair double standard for her to expect me to except her cheating but for her to not to except the fact that I have someone of the opposite sex as a friend. I want to know if I am wrong for talking to this Woman or if I am just a sucker for putting up with my ex. There is no one else that I would put up with this s*** but love for someone else can make you seem crazy to people outside the relationship. I am intelligent, smart, good looking and successful and would have no problem finding someone else but I don't want anyone else. I can't even look at another woman because I love her. Everyone that knows my situation is at a loss for words to help me. So I was hoping that maybe Buddah or the guy who writes the fortunes in those cookies might be on this forum. Any advice would be appreciated because right now I am lost.

[Kaius]

You guys should not have had kids. There is no respect, love or decency in this relationship.
Way too much drama for kids to be exposed to. No one should be dating this many years
and be so cruel to each other. Sorry. I get emotional when kids are involved.

[Cmuncher]

You guys should not have had kids. There is no respect, love or decency in this relationship.
Way too much drama for kids to be exposed to. No one should be dating this many years
and be so cruel to each other. Sorry. I get emotional when kids are involved.

She got pregnant when she and I where 20 years old when she was suppose to be on the pill. We tried to do the right thing for the children and make it work and break the cycle of our parents. So according to you I should have aborted my children. That is great advice. My daughter is first honors with a 95 average and my sons lowest grade this past marking period was 88 and they are great children. I have provided a beautiful home for them and I love them dearly. If you think we are such bad parents maybe you should meet mine. My mother beat me until I was black and blue and I had to run away from home because I could not take it anymore and she got locked up in a state mental hospital. I never met my father until I was 14 and I don't talk to either one today. I am extremely proud of my children and if I had to go through all of the agony over again with my ex it would be worth it.

[5 kids for us]

sounds pretty mixed up ... you do sound like you love her though ,,, but im unsure if thats enough sometimes if you are constantly hurting each others ,, gosh its tough when u have feelings still.. give yourself credit youve raised good kids ... home and what not ... but you can only do so much as a couple if theres no trust from past things,, maybe you should slowly take time out move on you sound like a great guy who deserves good things and we all do stupid things when were young ,, ive done the same things we were young like you two were .. i understand your feelings