New Girlfriend was Rich... But I am not.

[Dolmetscher]

My new girlfriend of around 5 months is in the process of getting a divorce. She lives in an archaic state that forces all who want a divorce to live separately for one full calendar year before they can legally file for divorce. She had been separated from him for 7 months when I met her. I thought that was a little soon, because they were together for 8 years. But she was very adamant that he was a terrible person and that she wanted nothing to do with him ever again. I was hesitant, also because he is a wealthy man and has afforded her a very lavish lifestyle. I am not wealthy and particularly right now after a lay off, my new job could not support a very lavish anything. I do okay. But going out to dinner and a movie is still a special thing for me and my wallet.

So anyway... now it has been almost 12 months since they separated. She is going to file for divorce in March, but he is very much still in her life. He calls her all the time etc. He bought her a bunch of Christmas presents (which I can only imagine are incredible). She is still helping him sell a condo that he owns (she's a real estate agent). She still has a lot of items at his (their) house, and she goes by and gets them little by little, which I find strange. And now last night, she tells me that she is actually in a very serious financial hole, and has suddenly found herself $1,500 behind on bills etc. and that she is borrowing that money from him.

I've been cool with her still talking to him. I've stayed out of it as much as I possibly can. I have given her the time and space to sort through what I know to be a very painful situation. I don't offer a ton of advice or tell her what I think, or what I think she should do. I bite my tongue when I think he is being manipulative, and I even bite my tongue when I think that SHE is maybe dragging things out a bit and not being clear with him i.e. going to his house to get one little thing here and there instead of one massive move out. It has been none of my business, and I have respected that... even though it has been hard.

But now, somehow this has crossed the line, and I will tell you why. I know that I am broke and can't really be much of a provider for her right now. I used to earn a lot of money, and drove a BMW and lived in Europe for 6 years etc. but RIGHT NOW, I am having to rebuild all that. And I have on two occasions really sat her down to explain to her just how little money I earn at the moment and WHY I can't take her to the places she is used to going etc. We had that conversation when we first met, and we were clear, but sometimes people think they are clear, but then they still suggest constantly that we take this and that vacation, or we go to this or that restaurant for dinner... which I just cannot do.

So anyway... I am hurt/angry with her, not because she had to borrow money from him, but because she won't tell me anything about her situation. I don't know if she is sitting on a savings account, or if she is paycheck-to-paycheck, or commission-to-commission so to say. I don't know if her car payment on her Mercedes is $300 or $1,300 a month. She just started a couple of weeks ago saying very vague things about how she is in a "financial situation." I'd ask and she'd just not want to talk about it. And I guess what hurt the most was how amazing she made her (soon to be ex)husband sound. About how he would "sell his car to get that money" for her if he had to, and how he always was so self-less with getting her the financial things she needed.

All I can think is, "Why will you not tell me anything about your situation despite me asking and asking... but now all of the sudden you feel it's okay to carry on about how amazing your rich husband is and how he'd do anything for you, as you take money from him???" So we have this monster fight on the phone. She accused me of not being able to handle things, and that I always carry on about how broke I am, so of course she didn't feel like she could come to me. And that she went to him because she has no family (which is true) and no friends that she felt she could ask for the money. So she "just had no choice but to go to him", and now I am just making her feel bad and rubbing it in. And then she went on to say that we've "only been dating for... 3 or 4 months..." but it's actually been 5 months of serious "I love you" dating, and 3 months of playful phone calls, and dates dating. And she had already started dropping little hints about marriage, and kids etc. just to make sure that we were on the same page (i.e. Do you want kids?, Do you think you'll ever get married again?) that kinda stuff. But now, all of the sudden she is making it seem like she and I just have some kind of casual 3 or 4 month little thing going on.

I really do love this woman. We are amazing together. But I have been through a 10 year marriage that sucked. I am not willing to put myself and any potential children through that again. Everything was 100% FINE until money issues come on the scene. My only question to you guys is... Am I wrong to have gotten angry at her for not coming to me before she borrowed money from her husband? Should I apologize, and just go back to not asking anything about any of that, and just letting it be her thing? I am very confused as to where exactly I lie in this whole mix. At what point is it "my business" enough to voice an opinion?

Any tips or advice would be great here!

Thanks

[RockNRoll]

She accused me of not being able to handle things, and that I always carry on about how broke I am, so of course she didn't feel like she could come to me. And that she went to him because she has no family (which is true) and no friends that she felt she could ask for the money. So she "just had no choice but to go to him", and now I am just making her feel bad and rubbing it in. And then she went on to say that we've "only been dating for... 3 or 4 months..."

Sounds like a real reason why she asked him, not you, for money. Probably you wanted her to share the problems (and other things, of course) with you, as you care about her. If it's the case, tell her about it. Apologize for the fight, but you don't need to apologize for the desire to be a part of her life, if it's what she also wants.

I wonder why she downgraded your relationship a bit. Maybe it was in the heat of the moment or it seemed less in comparison to marriage. Not good, anyway. Talk to her about your relationship once she is more relaxed.

[sadie_genie]

Sorry, but I don't think you two are a good match. She seems to be used to the easy way out of life's problems. She isn't ready to go through life with you through thick and thin which is important if neither of you is a multimillionaire. You would probably encounter more problems in the future. Finance is an important factor in marriages. It is better to let this go sooner than later.

[Dolmetscher]

Sorry, but I don't think you two are a good match. She seems to be used to the easy way out of life's problems. She isn't ready to go through life with you through thick and thin which is important if neither of you is a multimillionaire. You would probably encounter more problems in the future. Finance is an important factor in marriages. It is better to let this go sooner than later.

I have of course been wondering this same thing. At what point do you just stick a fork in a relationship and move on? I think that the problem is, literally every thing else is amazing w/ her. She is the daughter of my 9th grade English lit. teacher (my favorite teacher ever). I met her when she was 12 years old. Didn't see her again until she became a very beautiful 29 year old. We have everything in the world in common. When we are together it is as if we are in our own little laid back bubble, and the rest of the world doesn't exist. We'll spend an entire weekend together and barely even get out of her bed.

And now, whamm! I don't know. It's just kinda hard to call it a bad match. But I guess that is part of being an adult; being able to see the forest for the trees and to make the hard decisions, even when they aren't what we exactly want to hear at the time.

I dunno. Bummer.