A pretty mocked up story causing desperation

[DavidDeAnge]

I went to psychologists in late Oct until early dec and everything went good until the last week of the year when I got confused of wheather she wanted me in her life at this point or not.

Well at this point I don't know if I should just take a break of school when I start because its pointless being there when I cant even do anything right, but to start with therapy once again would be better but the fact it didnt succed last time makes my mind think it wont this time either.

The last thing I wanted to come back was the dreams and nightmares about her, I want to forget and live on but my brain and mind says something else.

[sookie6]

I went to psychologists in late Oct until early dec and everything went good until the last week of the year when I got confused of wheather she wanted me in her life at this point or not.

Well at this point I don't know if I should just take a break of school when I start because its pointless being there when I cant even do anything right, but to start with therapy once again would be better but the fact it didnt succed last time makes my mind think it wont this time either.

The last thing I wanted to come back was the dreams and nightmares about her, I want to forget and live on but my brain and mind says something else.

You were only there a short time, not enough to decide it did not work. A therapy needs your full commitment and involvement. And also a strong will to heal. Again I don't understand how the death of someone you have not known can cause such damage. My mother's mother lost a few children in birth and my mother was never affected by this. I think your mind is conveniently blaming your problems on this sad happening rather than facing your weaknesses and responsibility in your own unhappiness.

It's time for a tough call.

[DavidDeAnge]

Actually the part that she's dead is what I got "bullied" for I mean not bully bully but everybody talked shit about it and me, the fact I was little made it sound right at that time. When I grew older I realized that that to take everything they said to be true was a bad desicion its here my cousin comes in play she was the only one to support me my childhood was bad if I can say it like that it certainly had it moments but the sad moments was bigger.

Example my moms sister who I were the closest to died in a bus accident 2001-same year I had the depression so to get to know my sister is dead and also that my moms sister died really made some marks that I thinl will never really fully to a 100% vanish.

Now on retrospective everything that I did and the actions about it being true in my brain must have been the part that will be the nut to crack.

[DavidDeAnge]

Soo today was a start of a new period of therapy I am actually not happy that it have went so far but I set up some weeks and under these weeks I will tell everything and then just go on until all this is put aside. From my therapist perspective I should cintact my cousim sometime in late feb to early mars but I dont know if I am ready to talk with her.

Instead of taking risks of messing the whole relationship I have right now explained simple and detailed without breaking my gf's heart that I want a 2-3months of frezze between us, good thing she actually understood so right now all focus is on the therapy and I actually dont know what to expect hopefully something better than last time.

Now I want to thank you all for the advices and I will start helping others even thought I am not a expert I still can many things. Might get a favorite forum.

Actually my therapist said that I should find a new hobby and try something new so what better way isn't than starting to draw Graffiti and I am actually enjoying it really really so much that I have forgotten to play video games(one of my biggest hobby).
This day was really relaxing and right now there doesn't seem to be anything that will stop the medication process and I changed my mind after this day about the therapy its actually going great lets just hope it stands that way throughout these weeks.

Thanks again for all your advices

[sookie6]

Soo today was a start of a new period of therapy I am actually not happy that it have went so far but I set up some weeks and under these weeks I will tell everything and then just go on until all this is put aside. From my therapist perspective I should cintact my cousim sometime in late feb to early mars but I dont know if I am ready to talk with her.

Instead of taking risks of messing the whole relationship I have right now explained simple and detailed without breaking my gf's heart that I want a 2-3months of frezze between us, good thing she actually understood so right now all focus is on the therapy and I actually dont know what to expect hopefully something better than last time.

Now I want to thank you all for the advices and I will start helping others even thought I am not a expert I still can many things. Might get a favorite forum.

Actually my therapist said that I should find a new hobby and try something new so what better way isn't than starting to draw Graffiti and I am actually enjoying it really really so much that I have forgotten to play video games(one of my biggest hobby).
This day was really relaxing and right now there doesn't seem to be anything that will stop the medication process and I changed my mind after this day about the therapy its actually going great lets just hope it stands that way throughout these weeks.

Thanks again for all your advices

Sport is also excellent to disconnect from unconstructive thoughts...find something you like and stick with it (I personally adore long speed walks in the countryside with some of my favourite music on + the gym where I now have a few gym buddies!)

[DavidDeAnge]

I usually should play tennis right now but took a break because of the depression will start again in some days/weeks depending on how it goes
but right now I feel actually great don't know what happend under the night and the day with the therapist but all I can say is it's going much better than my expectations.

I have actually not played video games since mid-November I pretty much lost every connection to some gore and I think I lost a bit of myself these weeks let's just hope they come back because I really want to enjoy life when I am still young

[DavidDeAnge]

Okayy so it's been 4 days with therapy now I feel great until I saw an email in my inbox just recently today.
It was from my cousin and I were surprised this was her first real message to me without being from a friend in over 2 weeks, since Christmas eve.

So I start to read it and she explains that she wants to talk with me, she did point out that she still is mad on me but she stated that I should call her next week and we should consider having a nice call where I will explain many things and how sorry I am.
It's really hard to describe what she has done to me, I mean she taught me many things I will never forget the biggest thing she taught me being:

Even in the most extreme situations you have to be able to forgive

I were surprised to see the actions she made and didn't think she actually could forgive me but after this message I really want to make that call NOW.

What do you think about this I mean just to suddenly offer me a phone call is insane from what we/I did, should I just clear my mind and tell her everything?

[DavidDeAnge]

Hi, again

After 2 weeks two things have happend right now.

1. The phone call was brilliant and we forgived each other and will just make this a experience to remember, we talked in a hour about
everything and changed subject in the middle where she started saying to me to come visit her in Canada. She started talking
about universities and tried to convince me to come over to Canada and keep on my studies I have to say that sounds really tempting.
As much as we know each other I really didn't think she would forgive me about everything I did anyway she is still my cousin in one way
or another she would forget everything

2. Me and my gf broke up, as you said she started feeling the pain of how she got pushed to the side I am not happy about it but it was
the best thing to do. I love her but I couldn't just let go of my cousin and that may have been the killer shot of our relationship.
We still talk to each other but that burning fire isn't there anymore but we will still remain friends.


So I guess I will move on and I may plan a trip as we first thought of, after all it has been a long time ago since I saw my cousin
and I want to talk about this in person not via mobile or IM and guess we will see what happens from there

Thank you all for the help really appreciate it, couldn't have made it this far without the help.