I have a definite direction, he's lost.

[missmojo]

A little background, my boyfriend and I have been together a little over a year. He moved in 4 months ago. We've had a lot of challenges personally and relationship-wise and have come through with flying colors.

We are both bartenders. When we met, we were both horrible alcoholics. Our relationship saved me, gave me motivation to care about myself and stop partying so much. In the last year I've lost 30 lbs of fat, gained 10 lbs of muscle and figured out health and wellness is what I want to commit my life to. I barely drink now, but have been struggling because I keep giving in to our old lifestyle. I want to get my Bachelor's in the health field and work at a gym. I have plans of opening my own gym/wellness clinic and I'm finally 100% sure what I want to do with my life.

He, on the other hand, has all but given up to bartending for the rest of his life. He says he hates his customers, he hates drinking, he wants to find another job, then turns around and says he's perfectly happy being a bartender his whole life and doesn't see himself giving up alcohol as a permanent decision. This scares the shit out of me, I feel like I've been sacrificing my want/need to quit drinking, just to keep him (and mysef!) relaxed in this relationship.

I want to be healthy and successful. I want to drink green tea and do yoga and be able to travel the world. I want to move to Australia to raise a family. He's ok with making his tips and contributing to the destruction of people's lives, along with his own. We are in love and I understand there's nothing wrong with simplicity. But I don't want my kids going to public school, living in a rented apartment, and growing up in a so/so situation. I want the best for my future and his lack of direction and urge to improve himself is frightening and frustrating.

I'm not being dramatic about the drinking either. He is Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde when he drinks. We both have bad sides, but when angry and drunk, I go away from the situation. He screams, throws shit, threatens to break up with me and move out. A couple of weeks ago, he was in a cop car after pulling and shaking me in front of cops. After the cops let him go, he continued to shake me and just do a bunch of stuff where he was using his muscle against me, which Ive told him before to stop doing. After being restrained for an HOUR, after trying to scream, to be calm and talk, after every other option to get him off me, I hit him in the face. He hit me in the face.

And he's at the bar right now.

I try to be understanding and not so bitchy. I try to appreciative, but his childishness frustrate me. I'm scared he's impacting me negatively more than I'm effecting him positively. When I tried bringing up couples therapy he denied. When I came back with "Fine, I'll go with by myself" he said he'll break up with me because the therapist will "put shit in my head." I try to operate under logic and reason, he is purely emotional and I don't think he is capable of understanding to the degree that he needs to (or maybe the degree that I need him to)

We don't have kids yet, btw. Is there any option other than breaking up?

[Maple1714]

You should probably just break up...unless you want to go through lots of therapy and he really commits to changing. I have had a similar relationship as this, but without any hitting. I was dating a bar manager/head bartender for while. I was crazy about him. We had so much fun together and since I was kind of new to that whole world I loved getting wasted and hanging out at the bar with him all night. But, it became really clear that he was really unhealthy in many ways...he drank all the time, used drugs, got in bar fights, and was just unhappy with himself. He is lost. I wanted to help him find himself...but he didn't really want me to help him. I was heart broken and left. I miss him and we remain friends, but I had to move on for myself. I am with someone who is on the right track to having a healthy life and we are starting a family This guy you are with will more than likely just bring you down and hold you back from achieving your goals. Good luck!

[matt4lyfe]

He hit you in the face? BREAK UP WITH HIM! Okay you hit him first buy my goodness that's one of the no-no's a guy should be doing. This really looks like it's going to get worse. Breaking up should be the first option. Yes, you love him. I get it, but love doesn't make up for all this at all. Say you had kids with him. Then what? The kids would have to be raised in such an environment? That wouldn't be fair to them. If it's a future you're thinking of, you need to look for a better situation for yourself. You seem very intelligent and you have your priorities and goals in place. You need to focus on that and not this drama.