Was this just a one-evening deal?

[Neuro]

I went to one of my best friend's weddngs this past weekend. As I am a single gal, I went alone. I knew most of the people there from undergrad a few years ago, except for one really cute guy with whom I had been exchanging looks all evening. He finally came up to talk to me... a few of us went to a bar after the wedding where he bought me a drink and we ended up in the very back, alone, chatting about many things. After the bar, there was an after-after party at his suite, where he was staying with a few people that were also at the wedding. After showing me around his suite, we ended up on his bed, alone, for quite some time... chatting about history, until he kissed me. We made out for an hour or so (nothing more than that) , and he asked me if I wanted to spend the night... I refused, and he walked me back to my hotel. Granted we were both a little buzzed... He is on the opposite coast. We didn't exchange numbers... he asked if I was on fb, but I said it would be pointless to be friends on facebook... so even though I bcame friends with his group of people from the wedding, he hasn't sent me a request yet. Why? Was this really just a hook-up?

Now I can't get him out of my head.

Is this what hook-ups are like? And I'm just new to it?

[surfhb]

Yep...he probably wishes you lived near him but he was looking to get laid. I would have too! Why didn't you? Not sexually attracted to him?

[ShellyZ]

Why didn't you?

Because she's smart. There's a term for women who sleep with every guy they're attracted to, and it's not a very nice one. Is it really so hard for men to understand that sexual attraction does not necessarily mean you're ready for sex? I keep seeing this all over the boards.

[surfhb]

I'm just curious. Explain "not ready for sex"? Slut is just a made up word and just about everyone could be labeled one, once in awhile. And who made up the rule that a nice 1 night fling once in awhile is bad? I'd say it would have been a wonderful experience for you both. How often do we meet a nice person who were sexually attracted to in the environment she explained? Not very often I'm sure. Last time I checked, sex was a good thing.

Is it really so hard for women to understand that just because you like sex as much (or more) than men, and sometimes have 1 night stands, int doesn't make you a slut?

[ShellyZ]

Explain "not ready for sex"?

LOL, is that the part you don't understand? See, men and women have different attitudes about sex. Men can easily separate sex from emotion. Most women can't. For us, sex can be very emotional. We usually like to have an emotional connection to the person we're having sex with. Without that connection, sex is not as enjoyable, and we usually feel lousy afterward. After a one-night stand, a man might think "Hell yeah, I just got laid." High-five. A woman, on the other hand, might think "He just used me for sex. I meant nothing to him, and I just opened myself up to him, made myself vulnerable to him, let him take what he wanted, and then he just dropped me." It makes us feel used, worthless.

It doesn't really matter if someone else calls me a slut; what matters is how I feel after the fact. For me, sex is only a good thing if it's with someone who truly cares about me. I wouldn't be able to enjoy sex with a stranger, and I would hate myself for it. A one-night stand would make me feel like trash, even if the guy was hot. That's not my idea of "a wonderful experience." Most women don't like to feel used. We'd rather feel loved and valued. I know men can just stick it anywhere and have no emotions about it whatsoever, but most women aren't like that. Just being sexually attracted to a guy is not enough to make me want to have sex with him. I'd need to know him and trust him, and know that he cares about me, before I would be ready for sex.

Disclaimer: I'm sure there are some women who enjoy one-night stands. I'm speaking in generalities here.

[surfhb]

Fair enough....And agree! If that wre true that women must have sex for emotional connection. So if a women has a one night stand, it's because shes more liberal in her ideas about sex than yourself? Or she was just drunk? Is this women less intelligent as Shelly points out?

I'm just curious since most of us have had one night stand and the idea of a slut is purely a Westernized idea. Not arguing

Basically I'm asking if this is a cultural or physicological / physiological / biological thing?

[Mathias]

Because she's smart. There's a term for women who sleep with every guy they're attracted to, and it's not a very nice one. Is it really so hard for men to understand that sexual attraction does not necessarily mean you're ready for sex? I keep seeing this all over the boards.

What's so bad about sex?

You don't have to - and that's your prerogative, but don't bash those who like it. There's nothing wrong with it.

[ShellyZ]

Women have one-night stands for all kinds of reasons. Sometimes it's because she's drunk. Sometimes it's because she's naive and didn't realize at the time that it was a one-night stand; she probably thought he would call, and then cried when he didn't. Sometimes it's because she's on the rebound from a recent breakup and is trying to distract herself by having sex with another guy. Sometimes it's because she loses her self-control, and then kicks herself later. Sometimes it's because she thinks she can engage in casual sex without emotional consequences, only to find out later that it's not as easy as she thought. Sometimes it's because she lacks self-respect and has a "who cares?" attitude about everything. And, believe it or not, some women naturally have higher levels of testosterone than the average woman, and they really can enjoy one-night stands without feeling emotional. I believe those women are rare, but they do exist.

And actually, I'm very liberal. I don't avoid one-night stands because I'm afraid of being labeled a slut. I avoid one-night stands because I wouldn't enjoy them. Why do something you don't enjoy? I don't like roller coasters either, so I ride the carousel instead. Nothing wrong with people who like roller coasters, I just make different choices.

[ShellyZ]

What's so bad about sex?

You don't have to - and that's your prerogative, but don't bash those who like it. There's nothing wrong with it.

Oh for gods sake. I never said sex was bad. I never even said one-night stands were bad. I really enjoy sex...with the right person. Just because I don't like sex with strangers doesn't mean I don't like sex. And I wasn't bashing anyone. I was merely pointing out that women have many reasons for avoiding casual sex. I was trying to explain why most women need more than lust to enjoy sex.

[Mathias]

Oh for gods sake. I never said sex was bad. I never even said one-night stands were bad. I really enjoy sex...with the right person. Just because I don't like sex with strangers doesn't mean I don't like sex. And I wasn't bashing anyone. I was merely pointing out that women have many reasons for avoiding casual sex. I was trying to explain why most women need more than lust to enjoy sex.

I meant who like one-night stands.

And I agree - most women do mean more than lust. That and one-night stands aren't mutually exclusive. I've had one-night stands that were about more than lust. Most people, I would wager - have as well.

[ShellyZ]

Basically I'm asking if this is a cultural or physicological / physiological / biological thing?

This I don't know, although I'm sure that extensive research has been done on the topic. I do know that women are more susceptible to the hormones that flood the body during sex, especially oxytocin. Excuse me while I quote Wikipedia:

"Oxytocin evokes feelings of contentment, reductions in anxiety, and feelings of calmness and security around the mate. Many studies have already shown a correlation of oxytocin with human bonding, increases in trust, and decreases in fear. One study confirmed that there was a positive correlation between oxytocin plasma levels and an anxiety scale measuring the adult romantic attachment."

"Bonding...oxytocin released into the brain of the female during sexual activity is important for forming a monogamous pair bond with her sexual partner. Vasopressin appears to have a similar effect in males."

Oxytocin is known as the "cuddle hormone" because it increases feelings of attachment to your partner. It affects women much more than men, which is why it's difficult for women to have sex without getting attached to their sexual partner. So there's definitely a biological element to it, but I'm sure there's more to it than that.

Culture and personality must play big roles. Some people, for example, are natural risk-takers; they're adventurous and impulsive, and they don't worry about consequences. They live in the moment. With a personality like that, you'd be more likely to engage in casual sex. Then there are people like me: cautious and thoughtful, prone to risk aversion. Before I do anything, I think about the consequences. For me, that's a good thing because it prevents me from doing things that I'll regret later. That's why one-night stands have no appeal to me: I can't enjoy sex now if I know I'll feel like shit in 20 minutes. Takes all the fun right out of it. Someone with this personality type would be less likely to engage in casual sex.

I have my own theories about all this, but of course, we could have endless debates about culture/religion/psychology and attitudes about sex. Slut is not a purely Westernized idea, btw. In many non-Western cultures and religions, a woman must be a virgin when she marries. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that, I'm just glad I don't live in any of those places because I like having the freedom to make my own choices. And even the Western concept of "slut" is evolving. I think men can be sluts too.

[MaidenMinx]

Back in my clubbing days (aged 19 - 23) I was fond of the one night stand. I was looking for Mr Right and stupidly at time thought that sex would lead to a relationship (especially if the one night stand turned into the casual fling). All I generally found was Mr Right Now and got told often that I wasn't gf material (which I now know means, I want to f**k your brains out but I could never introduce you to my mother). For me, the good was I finally realised I am not ugly. The bad thing, there were too many mornings of "OMG!!! Where am I? How do I get out of here? When will he wake up so I can go!?!" I then had a forced period of celibacy. That was fantastic!!! It was the best way to gauge if a guy was interested in me or just my body. I'd tell guys straight up and I'd get one of 2 responses. Either a) 'Oh wow! Really? Why?' or b) 'oh...... I've just gotta get a drink. I'll be.......'

To answer the OPs question, yes it was just a fling. As to why he hasn;t added you on FB, I don't know. Maybe he's embarrassed by his behaviour that night. Maybe he has a gf he doesn't want you discovering. Enjoy the memory of the night and don't worry about it further.

[sammygee]

Honey he probably would have asked you for a FB request if you had not said "what's the point?" If you lived nearby He would probably have pursued you for a relationship as you are one of the nice girls who knows not to sleep with a guy straight away unless you never want to see him again. Youcan forget about him .There is nothing wrong with one night stands if the guy and girl both expect it to be just that. Any girl who sleep swith a guy straight away should know that it will not lead to a relationship unless the guy has been besotted with her for quite some time.
This is not a bad thing that guys do it is just nature. The only bad thing guys do is not to tell the girl it's just a ONS
xx

[JadenMia]

Iv slept with a few men.. 2 of which were complete one night stands. And i felt no attatchment what so ever. Never kicked myself for doing so, wasnt drunk.. Just wanted to feel a mans body! For men i am attracted to and actually interested in i will wait. Wait until i know for sure they are with me for more than sex.
ShellyZ you explained it perfectly above. Sex is SO much more enjoyable with somebody you love and trust. I waited with my first ever boyfriend 9 months before i had sex with him. I lost my virginity to him, and he dumped me a week later.. Never have i ever felt as worthless in my life.

Sex is definitely completely different to men than it is women..

[Gratedwasabi]

I refused, and he walked me back to my hotel. Granted we were both a little buzzed... He is on the opposite coast. We didn't exchange numbers... he asked if I was on fb, but I said it would be pointless to be friends on facebook... so even though I bcame friends with his group of people from the wedding, he hasn't sent me a request yet. Why? Was this really just a hook-up?

Err.. you shot him down for sex and then rebuffed his attempt to keep in contact with you. What don't you understand? It's probably even WORSE that you said no to his Facebook request and then friended his friends. Way to e-kick a dude in the balls.