is it me again?

[isitme?]

Hi everyone. I'm new to this site but just wanted a bit of feedback because i haven't anyone else to talk to. Im a female with one child of 3 in my mid 30's. I've been seeing my ex for approx 2.5 years. He's in his 40's. He's dumped me several times very abruptly often without explanation and every day he's chosen to 'dump' me he's done it on a day i'm down and vunerable. e.g moving house on my own, mum having breast cancer investigations..... etc. His pattern is usually to drop me and leave it approx 2months then text me. I hear nothing from him inbetween, and i have the strength to not contact him either and try and rebuild my life. Always questioning, what did i do? was it me? he knows i suffer low self esteem.
When i met him he lived on his own and had children in his teens. He was happy with not living with them as he remained independant but saw them on a sunday. However his daughter asked if she could live with him and hastily he agreed.(we had planned to move in together until this point) still, he remained loyal to his daughter and i respected him for that. The last time he dumped me was in november he left me suddenly on moving day, 2mnths later i recieved a text to say i must apologise for my actions? i had done nothing wrong and he wouldn't even tell me what i had supposedly done wrong!! i ignored him and then his tone changed to i still love you, bla. Anyhow, i weakened and we reconciled AGAIN! he talked of our future and that he and his daughter would like to move in with me and my little girl (3yrs) i said not yet as it was too soon. I've worked hard to get a home of my own for me and my little girl after my husband left me. I just needed time.I've just commenced a degree course and needed to focus on study and parenting. He wooed me with lovely words and promises. I was hesitant at first, but saw how much he was doing for me in the house and playing with my little girl. I fell in love with him all over again. That's when the worm turned and i saw his controlling behaviour setting in again. Everything i did was on his terms and he helped me greatly with my studies. A couple of weeks ago he dropped a bombshell and said he had a feeling his 14yr old lad would want to come and live with him. I'd had a few wines and said, well we don't have much of a future if thats the case. It'll be another 7-10 years before we can live together. (i really don't believe his son will want to live with him i think he knew i'd react if he mentioned it though) After, i felt awful for saying it. I never want him to put me before his kids. I planned to apologise to him when i had the opportunity. A couple of days passed and i still got lovely text messages. I started hospital placement on the thursday, i came home desperately upset with what i'd witnessed. He had looked after my little girl that day, but he had to jet home almost immediately after i'd got home. Then i got a text to say he wasn't happy with me and my attitude towards his kids. I told him i was sorry for what i'd said. He said it wasn't enough. I asked for a hug, he said no, and that he couldn't say he loved me that day. (i was distraught, especially after my day) he said he'd be with his son the following day and that he'd be with me saturday.He turned up at 5pm. I'd had time to think, and concluded that this was his controlling behaviour resurfacing. He basically told me he'd stay with me but it would take time to trust me again. I don't know where it came from, but i knew i couldn't live with walking on egg shells again.He makes out he's a caring dad, but he really is only concerned with himself. None of my family or friends like him, so they won't talk to me. All my mum says is, this is his way of controlling you again. Yet i'm really struggling to keep my emotions under control whilst working etc. I feel so guilty for what i said about his son but how can i expect to hang on for another 7 years or more? I have extremely low self esteem, and i keep thinking, did i do the right thing by ending it? I feel so down, and don't know whether i should contact him? but then that's what he wants im sure. Can anyone give me any advice? i'm throwing myself into parenting, studying and running a house but i miss the love.

[smackie9]

He dumps you because he is pursuing other women. What's wrong with you is that you don't see what he is doing and you keep taking him back. The guy is an a ss hole.

[vashti]

I don't see how you could expect him to stick around considering how you feel about his kids living with him, whether or not he is an asshole.

[isitme?]

yeah, i thought alot of you might think that. If i tell you he's not that kind of guy i hear you all saying 'yeah right' but he seriously is not. He's a very deep intense man, who doesn't think much of flings etc. I'm not bigging myself up by saying he has high standards, and really to be brutally honest i think alot of women would run a mile when meeting him. He actually is quite boring. He has strict beliefs, doesn't work due to ill health, reads alot of intense books re politics, religion etc please believe me that he's not a womaniser at all. despite all my friends and family hating him, not one of them has said there's another woman, and thats not to protect my feelings. Many have said they wish he were seeing someone else, then i would have a reason for him being a jerk, staring me in the face!
He's just got me under the thumb and waits for me to jump when he clicks his fingers. The only difference this time is, i was the one that ended it and i can't help feeling i was a total cowbag for what i said about his son.should he have forgiven me? I really need advice as to whether or not people think i should contact him? or whether you think he'll be in contact with me. I know he's a control freak, so he's likely to be very angry at me for taking control and ending it. I am very sensitive so please be gentle with any advice anyone can give me. thankyou in advance for reading my thread. x

[isitme?]

its not actually the thought of his kids, I have no problem with them although he suddenly brought up that he thought i had. I seriously don't believe for one minute his son wants to live with him. He knew it would antagonise me by saying it. I do like his children. I failed to mention that he gave me £500 for a holiday with me my little girl and him a week prior to this event, and when i apologised for what i'd said about the prospect of his son living with him he said' i don't want to go on holiday with you and your girl now' Which i understood, buti couldn't help but feel he was going to punish me constantly for what i'd said. He knew i'd got my little girl excited about a holiday and also knew i couldn't afford to go on my own. I guess forums are quite dangerous because nobody is party to the full picture. all i can say is i knew i was wrong, apologised but i knew it would never be enough. His mood swings make me wonder whether he is still smoking cannabis. I knew he couldn't trust me anymore, so without trust there is no relationship, is there? i do feel a complete bitch, and hate myself for something said when i'd had one too many and was in a bad mood. Everyone thinks i'm well rid, but i don't

[Toddstar]

"Everyone thinks i'm well rid, but i don't"

Thats where it lies; I find that when everyone around you tells you that you are better off without him, maybe their persepective is right, and that you are too close to the situation to see this. My ex would continously dump me (4 times last year) for other men and when she got lonely or bored she took me back again. And everyone said I shouldnt do it. And now, after 3 months and seeing everyone else was right, I wish I'd listened back then. But life is a journey not a destination. So I continue on.

[smackie9]

If he was this great man he wouldn't be treating you this way. There is no way "religious and or strick beliefs" prevents someone from doing bad thiings or think selfishly.. And you don't have to be a player or womanizer to want to seek out female company.

[isitme?]

yeah i hear what you're saying smackie9 and toddstar. Thankyou so much for your advice. Yes i've been a fool to take him back. I am too close to the situation. But my heart still feels, and i hate what i've said. I do not doubt he has thought of other woman (which pains me) i don't think he has much of an opportunity to seek out other women. Maybe i am wrong. I honestly don't believe he's that kind of man though. We've supposedly hid no secrets from one another. I just wonder in 2 or so months time he'll try and hook me up again. I don't really believe he thinks i have a big problem with his kids, it's more a case of him stamping down his authority over me. This is the first time i've ended our relationship so i guess thats what i'm struggling with the most. A) i was a bitch to comment on his son B) did i do the right thing ending it? C) i wonder whether he'll ever contact me again? Thanks again guys and gals xx

[sookie6]

He has got this push-pull technique that some people come to master...one day is doing or saying something kind and the day after is withdrawing affection and punishing you...

He is not good for you and your little girl. You know very well that a child needs material and emotional stability...I know you need the love and don't be ungrateful you have your mother love and you daughter's love..a lot of people don't even have this.

You 're already doing so well with your studies why burden yourself with a relationship that is making you doubt yourself everyday.

I hope you'll find the strength to do what is right. Any man approaching your kid should be stable and for the ong term...don't expose your daughter to people you're not sure will stick around.

[isitme?]

thanks sookie6, your words eerily echo some advice i've been given recently. (on the last occasion he dumped me, before this happened) you're right with the push pull technique. I feel like a yoyo. The only difference this time, is that i did the dumping. Did i do the right thing? I know he'll justify his cold behaviour as he was standing up for his kids. thankyou so much xxx

[smackie9]

You did the right thing....you finally stood up for yourself, and didn't cave into his mental abuse......seriously you can't take it no more, am I right?

[isitme?]

yes, you're right. Thankyou so much for telling me what i needed to hear. I need a good slap in the face. I'm frightened that i won't have the strength to knock him back again should he contact me. He has such a way with words that he knows how to pull my strings. I have to concentrate on my positives, and that is, i've got a fab little girl, my own home, and am studying to be a nurse. Alot of what i've got i achieved now i've done without him, and didn't have when i met him, he's just got a tremendous knack of making me feel like i've done something terrible and should pay for my actions. I do believe i shouldn't have said that about his son, but i was generally sorry and did beg him for forgiveness, but it just wasn't enoughfor him. I'm really not a cow.

[smackie9]

[QUOTE=sookie6;705935]He has got this push-pull technique that some people come to master...one day is doing or saying something kind and the day after is withdrawing affection and punishing you...

.

QUOTE]

Better known as passive/ agressive personality.

[smackie9]

We know you are not a cow. He just spent those years pounding down your self esteem to the point you believed him. That is mental abuse. When he contacts you, don't answer, don't respond, block his number, look or walk the other way. The more you shut him out, the more strength you gain.....it will weaken his grip on you more each day. I wish you all the best.

[isitme?]

Thanks, i'm going to try and google mental abuse. I'm very sure you're right, and yes he's kicked me to the floor so much so that my self esteem is at an all time low which is why, i guess, i'm questioning whether or not i did the right thing in ending it. He did so much for me in my house, ie building things, fixing things, and bought clothes for my little one that i do feel i owe him something. How can i pick myself up? thanks sooooo much for your advice xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx