We Broke Up And I Can't Take IT!

[acidrein_08]

Here is my story: I have been with a girl for 1 year and 3 months almost and had a blast. You see we met each other while she was in high school and I was a freshman in college but we lived in the same town (I commuted to college). We fell in love and spent every day together. Over last summer she took some trips and we were seperated for a couple weeks, but we weren't used to it. When she came back we broke up but we got back together just a few days later. Things went great again, it hurt a lot but she made it all back up to me like she said she would. When college started she went to a school that was 2 hours away from home. So even though everybody didn't think we would do it we had faith and a strong love.

Of coarse we had our usual arguements mainly about not being able to see each other, but we always fixed them. It wasn't until last Saturday (5th) that things got bad. We were arguing over nothing but she was trying to point out all these things I do wrong and I wouldn't listen. So she ended up breaking up with me on the phone after I left her house. But she continued to talk to me and we talked till like 4 in the morning and I opened up to her cause I didn't want to lose her. Today I went and saw her in the morning and we hugged and kissed, and then we went to the park together. It was there she said that she broke up with me once and never wanted to do it again. But it wasn't 45 minutes later she was telling me how a part of her wanted to be independant. So she broke up with me once again, and this time I lost control of my emotions. I cried but that seemed to make matters worse, the more I pulled her close the more she would push away, until she had to leave to drive back to college (she comes home on the weekends). I opened my heart up and was rejected, but I love her so much and I don't know what to do. Someone please give me some advice, the pain is unbearable.

[acidrein_08]

Omg She Just Called And I Didn't Answer, What Do I Do I Need Advice Fast!

[abercromqt20]

call her back right away. say u were in the shower or something. just do it though if u want her back

[acidrein_08]

But people i've talked to on another forum (loveshack.org) said No Contact was best. And also went as far as to say that it was great I didn't answer the phone becuase it tells her that I wasn't availible for her whenever she wanted. No contact is not what you all believe is good?

[Cybog]

Don't listen to her.

[url]http://www.loveforum.net/t5652-devistated-and-confused.html[/url]

[butterflylove]

rein, seems to me she is confuseed about how she feels?

[acidrein_08]

Well I haven't called her back but today was our 1 year and 3 months, and I feel bad for not answering the phone. I think I should call her tonight..

[acidrein_08]

She called tonight again and I answered it. She was upset and said her grandma had cancer so I immediately tried to comfort her and cheer her up. We talked for awhile till I told her I was with some friends watching a game (which I was) and that I should go. I asked if she wanted me to call her later and she said she did, and sounded excited about it and laughed, cause she didn't think I would want to call her (that's what she said). SO OMG WHAT DO I DO I NEED ADVICE FAST!

[acidrein_08]

So I called her back tonight and we talked for an hour. We talked about each others days and acted like we were fine again. Then things got a little more serious and we started to talk about how we felt. She cried almost the whole conversation and told me she Loved me (to which I didn't reply) and said she missed me. I asked her if she sees us ever together again and she says she can. We about got off a couple times but she never would hang up the phone. She thought I was mad and didn't want me to be. I asked her why she cared and asked if it it was just pity? She said no. I asked if it was becuase she thought I was mad and she said no. Before we got off she asked me if I would promise her something. She said promise me that you will call me tomorrow the first time you think of me. And I told her that I think about her all the time, even when I wake up and she said promise me. I asked why and she said she wanted to know when I thought about her. So I asked her to promise the same, and we said sweet dreams and good night and got off. So what do I do? I will read this in the morning so hopefully someone will reply becuase I know she will be on my mind and I want to call her. NEED ADVICE!

[schueys_girl]

Kinda sounds like in a way she is after your attention: telling you to call her when you think of her etc...maybe this attention was lacking the relationship? you had been together for sometime and maybe you had stopped paying her 'enough' attention, you got into a routine and the passion fizzled out. So now it seems she is making demands on you to get more attention.

She seeems very confused. She may not want you back but miss having the attention from someone, so therefore asking you to call her etc...i would definetely back off and give her some space to see what she really wants, rather than living your life fufilling her demands when you dont know where u stand

[acidrein_08]

I did call her this morning but she was sleeping so I let her go back to sleep. She called later and I answered it and she was really excited about talking to me. We talked about our days and she told me she would call me next since I called when I thought about her. So we got off and it wasn't a minute later she called back saying she was thinking about me. We talked a little while longer and I just wanted to know what she'd been thinking about me. And then I asked her if she was just playing with my emotions and she seemed hurt. She apoligized and said she wasn't and said she would let me go. So I said ok and we got off. Now I hate this bs, I was feeling good becuase she sounded like she was having second thoughts but i've been taking the advice of being strong and not showing my own emotion and now I don't know if she will ever call again. I think I need to call her back, what do you say?

[C1d6OC]

Don't call. Shuey is right. If you call, then you leave yourself vulnerable. Continue to be strong. Don't continue to play this game with her, you don't need it. She has to understand her feelings and right now she's in the stage of missing you, but doesn't know what she wants. The best thing to do is leave it. Let her call you back. It seems as though she will since she already said she would. If she calls and asks why you didn't call you say you can't continue to do this. She has to understand that. It's harsh, but it's the only way. Tell her you love her and care for her and that you will be there for her, but don't call. I can't stress that enough.

[acidrein_08]

I have read and re-read all of your posts many of times, but I also look back at my past experience with it. I'm just so confused becuase I know what I want and I can't get it exactly how I want it. But talking with her has made me stronger and I can feel like I can go without her call. I was very straight on the phone and she called me 3 times this morning. Once becuase I hung up after we both said by but she said she wasn't done talking to me. It was the same last night, everytime we said bye she would have something more to say to keep me on the phone. Would you all think it would be a bad idea if we got back together now? Last night I was telling her how much I have realized things since we been apart and I told her that it was good for us. Becuase it shows us what we can improve and what was lacking in our relationship. But then in my head I want to use all that to get back together and become an even stronger couple. And maybe I'm wrong but I don't think break-ups have to be a bad thing. They can be a real eye opener and it can turn a bad relationship into a great one, it just takes both of them wanting the same things. She has told me that it is so hard without me and I told her I know how you feel, she has said I loved you and I haven't said it back, she said she misses me and I still say nothing. She hasn't said anything about her grandma since when we first got on the phone together yesterday. She wanted to hear from me today. The first time we talked after we broke up I told her not to play games with me and she said she's not, that its over. But since then she has been apoligizing for being mean, breaking up, hurting me, making me mad. She seems to have gained back what she lost in the later part of our relationship. She said she will always love me and care about me, and she says she wants to talk becuase she cares. **I also told her that I can't sit around and wait for her and she said she wouldn't want me to.** It's just so damn confusing. But anyways I just needed to let things out, thanks so much you all for keeping up with me and being a shoulder to lean on.

[cycletease]

Ok, this situation is a little more complex that your usual "no contact" ones.

Can you tell me a little more about your relationship? The question about how much attention you would normally give her is an important one. Do you tend to be stand-offish and hide your feelings for her? Are you affectionate with her? Do you make her feel appreciated? If she feels underappreciated then it would certainly explain a lot of her behavior.

For any relationship to be a success there has to be communication. Contrary to popular belief, women don't want a guy who is closed off and treats them badly. .. go figure. While you may be just protecting yourself, you are also shutting her out. She needs/deserves to know how you feel.

The fact that she is excited to hear about you thinking of her is good news for you. I am sure she is missing you and doubting her decision. This does not mean that her decision was wrong...note now that she has done this you are suddenly willing to open up to her...you are willing to discuss your issues. If she hadn't broken things off you would not have done this and you relationship still would have been doomed.

I would say that you are lucky that your girl broke it off while she still wanted to be with you instead of waiting until she was totally over it. Now you are given a infrequent opportunity to fix this situation.

First off, not showing your feelings is not the point of "no contact". No contact is exactly what is says...No Contact. If you have an opportunity to hide your emotions then there has obviously been contact. No contact is just to give the other person some space to reflect on their true feelings and give them a chance to miss the other. There are instances where no contact is not the right move...

In every relationship honesty is the best policy. It may mean that you get hurt, but there is always a chance for that. In instances of contact you should be honest, just not desparate and clingy. No woman will be thrilled to have a boyfriend not interested in them.

This brings me to an important point about women. All women want to feel that they are uniquely special and loved for their uniquely special qualities. Women who go for the jerk guys who treat them badly have low self esteems and are hoping that they can get the jerk to realize that they are unique and special.

With this in mind, can you reflect on your relationship and your breakup and see areas that might have caused problems? If you are acting cold to her when what she really wants is some warmth from you you are going to worsen the problem.

Now, I don't know you or her so I cannot say any of this with certainty, but generally you would wait for her to call if she says she wants space. Since she has called lots of times all bets are off now and you are in the "work it out" phase.

My favorite thing to hear in this phase is that the guy recognizes the things he has done wrong, how they have effected me and how he realizes the error of his ways. I like to hear things like:

"I know that I am not good at communicating and that often I make mistakes. I am not perfect and I realize that. I know you have tried so many times to work on things but I have been unwilling to listen. I have made so many stupid mistakes, but even though I may not show it all of the time, I love you and you are the most important thing in my life. Being open with my feelings is really hard for me, but you deserve to know that you are loved and I am willing to try harder to make this work if you are willing to work with me..."

If she is wanting to work things out, a conversation that starts like this will be a good way to get that going. You are too long into this relationship to play it like a game. Adult relationships mean that we have to do things we don't like, leave ourselves open and compromise to have success. The wonderful result of this is a much more meaningful relationship.

Let me know how it goes.

[acidrein_08]

Can you tell me a little more about your relationship?

Well like I said in my first post she is attending school 2 hours away from here while I commute to a community college about 30 minutes away. We are both from the same hometown and while we were together she would drive home on the weekends and I would go visit her on her campus also. She did express how lonely she felt sometimes becuase we were so far away and with work sometimes we had to go a couple weeks without seeing each other. The reason we broke up she said had nothing to do with me, just that she needed to be outside of a relationship for awhile. I really care about her and I would do anything to get her back. I called her a few hours ago but she has yet to call me back, I think she is at work. I'm really depressed