At a crossroads with my partner of 2 years. Time to let go?

[HereComesTheSun]

Hmm, I know this is all true. I do know that he can be extremely abusive.
I hate him when he is like that, he has treated me like crap in the past and it isnt something i want to live through. I have horribly low self esteem, and no confidence in myself. It is something i am working on and would like to fix completely but im just not too sure how to.

Yesterday after i posted this, he said if he couldnt see me and that was my answer then he would put his all into this relationship and start from fresh. Which is what i wanted, i want to be able to put all the BS behind us and just be able to be together, how we were before. I guess i block out every bad thing he has done. I dont know why i do it, when i think of him, i think of how in love we were. How comfortable we are together and how much fun we have just being boring sat in the house doing nothing at all. I have never felt this way with anyone before and i wish we could go back to before he started the abusive behaviour. I never really think of the times he's flipped out on me or insulted me, because i think of them as mistakes. I dont think he's a bad person, but i know i should see him that way.

Today i had a super boring day at work. I thought about everything and i still am not sure how everything will work out with us, everything seems so impossible but for some reason i just cant describe my love for him. Our relationship has always 'intense'. Thats the only way i could describe it.

I know i should just leave.. But i dont feel like i can do it.. I dont know why i feel that way, but i am completely MISERABLE without him. I have nothing without him it seems. When he is not around, i have no friends, i just stay home and get seriously depressed and its awful. I dont feel the strength i need to be without him. I feel trapped..
I dont know what to do about it, its hard to talk to anybody anymore without sounding completely pathetic. I know i am being but i just dont know what to do. I know what the RIGHT thing to do is.. But i feel too weak to get through it.

[HereComesTheSun]

I also have read many times into abuse. I know what he did was emotionally and physically abusive. When i left him, lots of people were talking about what had happened..
One of the incidents that caused me to leave him happened in front of a few people. But then i started getting calls and messages from his friends. Calling me a liar and a drama queen, saying that i was believing my own lies and i had no idea what i was talking about. A lot of my own 'friends' turned against me because of it. Saying i was making out that he was a bad person yet he is nothing of the sort.
That kind of made me re-think. Is he abusive? Am i just being silly? I started to think that maybe it was me that ruined this relationship.. not him.
Its just a very confusing time..

[Nicholas_V]

So the guy was abusive to you in more ways than one, now he says he wants you for sex and you think it was you that ruined the relationship? Do I misunderstand something?

If not, then yes you're being silly - you should instead be Speedy Gonzales and run away from him as fast as you can.

From what I've read in this forum, there seem to be at least two types of abusers: the ones who say "I will never do it again"; and the other types says "it's your fault, you made me do it".

I am sure when Vince reads this thread he will repeat his famous line: "Cow, Milk, Free" - among others.

[Capricorn2112]

My advice:

Tell him you're simply not happy with the way things are currently and you will not continue to be his.. whatever you are without an actual commitment. If he still doesn't want to talk about it, just cut off contact. If he cares about you enough, he'll miss you and tell you he made a mistake, if not, move on. And by the way, he's being a total dick by not even acknowledging your needs. He's selfish and just wants to have fun without consequences, while having the comfort of a girlfriend at the same time. If he loved you, he would care about the way he makes you feel. He spills his heart ouf to you, and tells you he loves you, yet will not commit to you? I think he is just passing time with you, stringing you along, waiting for something else to come along. If I'm wrong and he does love you, he'll come around. Either way, this will clear things up for you.

EDIT:

Obviously I missed something about him being abusive toward you. That pretty much changes everything. You need to gain some SELF RESPECT. I would NEVER allow a man to treat me so terribly, because I KNOW I deserve BETTER. No one will respect you if you do not respect yourself. Simple as that. So maybe what you actually need is to focus on yourself, and what makes you happy. Start a new hobby, start working out or getting outside more... stop feeling sorry for yourself, because losing a man like him, is not much of a loss. There is another man out there who will make you ask yourself why you let youself get so hurt over someone so undeserving of your love.

[HereComesTheSun]

Well, yes now he is saying he wants a commitment he just needed time to collect his thoughts and feelings and decide if we should try this again. I respected that as i have no doubt in my mind that i wasnt the only one hurting in our relationship.

When i told him i couldnt go on seeing him like we were doing without having some commitment, he agreed that he didnt want to lose me and wanted to be serious again, but still taking it relatively slow. i.e Not seeing each other every night, both going out and doing our own things apart from each other and trying to sort out the jealousy issues we both had.
Basically trying to fix the problems we had in the first place and trying to make them right.

I figured that there was alot of problems we had that may have been a cause for the way he acted but i am not agreeing his behaviour was acceptable. But in the same way, i feel he does love me. The way he talks and acts to me makes me feel he didnt want it to be the way it was as much as i didnt. But emotions got the better of us i guess.

About the abuse, it is something i want to look out for again, i do want to be able to recognise the signs of him starting to get controlling again. I dont want to let him get the better of me again and make me feel bad if he starts with his old behaviour. I am just in all honestly, hoping that being able to figure out our problems then we could be the happy couple i know we could be.
Because, before any of this happened, it was close to perfect. I guess i am just hanging on to the hope those times will come back..

[Capricorn2112]

Of course things were great in the beginning, when he was making you fall for him. Now that you've fallen for him, he can be himself and treat you like all kinds of crap.

It's typical of an abusive person to apologize up and down and say all the right things. It's up to you to end the cycle.

Think about what has been done, not would could be.

Be strong.

I don't think jealousy is your problem, HE is the problem. Although, you just may be the type of person who is drawn to being treated this way... in which case, there is nothing I can say.

[IndiReloaded]

He's not going to commit to you. In fact, it sounds to me like he's just 'loving you' until something better comes along. Sorry, but that's how I read this. Pay attention to what they DO, not what they say.

[HereComesTheSun]

As much as i thought that at first, i dont know now.. He says he wants commitment, has told people we are working things out now and going to make the best of things that he loves me etc.
I do believe him, i know what we have is real. Its just the terrible problems we have that ruin things. He says its because he loves me so much, he cannot handle certain things.. Like men hitting on me or he gets worried when i go out alone. I know their isnt any trust with us.. But isnt that something we could try work out if we both work on it? And show that we can both be trusted?
He seems to really want to be with me again, with how he is being. We spent the whole night talking. We havnt actually been able to discuss ANYTHING since the breakup and it felt like we really got through to each other.

Capricorn, although i agree with what you said, things werent all that great in the beginning. Not bad, but not great. It got so much better when we started to gett to know each other more and fell in love. Around 6 months we were at a point that i could not have asked for any better. Everything seemed perfect to be honest. I have never felt like that with anybody and it just got better and better.
Then one night, it just changed. A stupid night out, with his misunderstanding caused him to humiliate me and i was so angry. I started to be a b*tch, and he started to be like that back to me. Which is why i wanted to try again, now we have let the resentful feelings go, i feel we have a chance at maybe finding what we had before once again.

I know i might be hoping for something that may never come back, but i really want to try.

As MerryH stated, the only thing i am worried about, is if this abusive behaviour came back again. If it was just how he is and not in fact how he acted because of what happened to us..
I am confused, i am sorry if im not making sense. I have such high hopes and dreams to get 'us' back. I dont know if i am being totally unrealistic.

[davedlt]

I have a feeling this might be a long reply...

First of all, about abusive people - it is true that there a some (very few) people who are just abusive because from whatever reason that is all they know. So these people don't really know how to be anything other than abusive and if you tried to give them an alternative it would be too far away from their reality that they wouldn't understand it. Fortunately these people are very few and you can generally smell them from a mile off.

For most people, perhaps a story best illustrates this: Back when I used to work at a certain place, my friend found at one secluded area of the place where we worked a cat had given birth to a litter of kittens. So he showed me the kittens and there was one really cute kitten which was also very curious and came up to my friend. So my friend picked it up. Well, first the kitten freaked out at being held by this human and started hissing and spitting and doing its best to claw my friend to ribbons. But after my friend held it for a bit and talked softly to it and patted it the kitten started realising that it wasn't in any danger and calmed down. When the kitten had calmed down completely my friend gave it to me and when I held it it was this soft, gentle, cute, loveable, curious kitten that didn't have a mean bone in its body. So the question is: was it an abusive kitten or not? For the most part it was this loveable, cute, happy little thing. And yet at one stage it was being a complete monster, trying to claw my friend to pieces. The answer is that even a beautiful happy little kitten can turn into an abusive monster when put into a situation where it believes its life is on the line.

This is the case with most people. Even though there seems to be a fad these days of labelling people as abusive or non-abusive, and once you figure out that someone is abusive everything they do becomes a devious attempt to control people, most people when they are in a relationship where they feel loved and things are going well for them, they are beautiful people who care about the feelings of others, but if they feel they are in a situation where they are not loved or things are not going well for them, they start feeling bad and become abusive to others. Just like the kitten.

So it could be that the ex in this case is holding out on a commitment to keep you dangling and control you so as to further carry out his abusive schemes, or it could be that he loves you and knows that rushing into a commitment is going to jeopardise things.

It could be that he doesn't want a commitment because he just wants to use you for sex while he waits for something better to come along, or it could be that he has learnt from last time that a commitment didn't work too well (he ended up doing abusive things) and that when he just loves you without a commitment it seems to just work better.

Going back to the first posts a few days ago, it was seeming like you had a choice, that you had the mutual love but no commitment, so you had to choose which was more important, the love or the commitment. So you could have just gone with the love, or pushed for a commitment.

It is not that love and a commitment are mutually exclusive and you can't have them both together, but a commitment doesn't equal love. It also doesn't equal not being hurt, screwed around, etc, as you already know. Also, no commitment doesn't equal no love. It is possible to be with someone, not in a committed relationship, and yet still love them. It is possible to have sex with someone, without a committed relationship and still love them. It is not true that commitment equals love and no commitment equals no love.

It is also possible to not have a commitment and not be hurt, screwed around, etc. It is not always true that not wanting a commitment means there is not enough love.

I am not saying that you shouldn't have a commitment. If you want one, then great, no worries. There is nothing wrong with wanting one. I am telling you this because it seems that you have attached a commitment to love and because of that have not seen the love which is there. Love is one thing, commitment is another. Love is where you feel good being around someone, thinking about them, etc. You know it is love when you FEEL GOOD. Commitment is where you have some kind of agreement with someone that you will be with them and under certain rules and guidelines you both agree on. They might both occur together at some point, but they are two different things.

So if you want love, then focus on seeing where the good feelings are for both of you. If you want a commitment, focus on getting the binding agreement.

If you want to know if he loves you or not, see if he feels good around you, or if he is feeling bad about something, he feels better when he gets around you. That is all you need to know. A commitment doesn't mean he loves you. Especially if he gives it to you out of fear of losing you. If that fear is always playing in someone's mind, they are pretty likely to become abusive, just like the kitten.

I hope that helps. My best wishes.

Dave.

[HereComesTheSun]

Dave, that is exactly how i would explain his behaviour. I know he felt like everything amazing we had was threatened.. because it was seriously threatened. Neither of us were being respectful, we were both scared of losing each other, yet became so selfish in ways that would try reduce the pain for both of us. It was a cruel cycle of me being resentful and turning on him, him being disrespectful right back.
There were some times situations where his nastiness crept up out of no where, where he had no need to feel like this. But again, when he explained and apologised i just understood what he meant. Both of our jealousy got the best of us. I was no better than him in that way, we were beginning to spend every second together. At first it was great, we didnt want to let go of each other. It went on like that from around the 6 month mark close to 2 years. But then, obviously, we needed to spend some time apart. When he went out i felt like he was ditching me. Now i know, thats just silly, everyone has their rights to want time alone. And when i went out he just couldnt handle it either. I believe this was a direct result from spending all of our time together.
I started work in a superstore in town, whereas before i worked at home as in-home day care. I started to meet people, men too and met some really great people. Well he just couldnt handle the fact that i would want men as friends. Then, i lost a lot of weight and started to feel and look really good. I got more and more attention off of men and he became crazed about it. He would rage, first it would be with other men, then he just turned on me. Got angry at me if i spoke to men, saying i was acting inappropriately. Where i didnt think i was and i started to pull away from being nagged all the time. Then just from then it got worse and worse. Now i feel we have had a months break, i feel at peace with him. no longer angry at the way he was acting, i feel i can start to work on my issues as he feels he can.

About the commitment, i dont really see commitment being anything to do with love. He was doing god knows what while i was gone, but i knew he loved me. Just the same as i did, which is why we are still talking. I am just scared that by throwing myself at him, giving him my body and my heart to hold, that if he sees himself as still single he wont feel the need to be committed. By that i mean, not do other things with other people. But, now we have spoken about this and agreed there will be no other people in our relationship i am at ease. I just want to give this one last go, one last chance to see if we can make it work. If it doesnt, i will try my hardest to let go. If it does, that is my hopes and wishes come true

Thanks for your reply. It helped alot.

[IndiReloaded]

As much as i thought that at first, i dont know now.. He says he wants commitment, has told people we are working things out now and going to make the best of things that he loves me etc.

As MerryH stated, the only thing i am worried about, is if this abusive behaviour came back again. If it was just how he is and not in fact how he acted because of what happened to us.

I am confused, i am sorry if im not making sense. I have such high hopes and dreams to get 'us' back. I dont know if i am being totally unrealistic.

The bolded part is key. You are hoping and dreaming about something that isn't real. The guy is a loser. This:

If it was just how he is and not in fact how he acted because of what happened to us.

This IS how he is. Wishing and hoping won't make it otherwise. You are no different from all those masses of women who stay with guys who treat them badly because--like I said already--HE DOESN'T REALLY WANT YOU. Maybe he says he wants commitment, but not with you. Otherwise you wouldnt be having these issues.

Are you listening? With your head, sweet, not your emotions. Go read your old posts and imagine you are giving someone else advice about your situation. What would you tell them?

Exactly. So.

But, like so many 'in love', you will continue to waste more time and try to fit a square peg to a round hole. A few weeks/months from now (if you stay with him) you will be back where you were before. Respect yourself more. Learn that there is more than 'love' to a good relationship. Things like: mutual respect, compatibility, and trust. You aren't hitting any of those targets far as I can see. Don't waste any more time with him. Its hard in today's society to find a good partner and every moment you waste on this relationship is time you could be spending with someone more compatible.

[MerryH]

As MerryH stated, the only thing i am worried about, is if this abusive behaviour came back again.

Whoa ho ho. No. Don't drag my name into your excuses to stay with him. Every word I wrote was meant to convince you to leave him forever because he's been really really awful to you and nobody deserves that (not even you!)

To clarify, I meant that it doesn't matter whether that's how he is or just how he acted. He did it. He was abusive. Make all the bullshit excuses that you can, the fact remains that he still did it. And you shouldn't subject yourself to that ever again.

That's it. Good luck.

[surfhb]

To me it sounds like a two way cycle that never ends. I think it's pretty clear you're both assholes to each other sometimes. I'm I correct?

You're both young? How old? The hard part is that you both live in a small town.

[HereComesTheSun]

I wasnt dragging your name into reasons to stay with him. I know i shouldnt be bothered about losing him, iv been told many times. But it does bother me, a lot. I wish i could just be strong enough to see that i am fine without him. But i dont see it like that.. I have intense anxiety when i think about being without him, i get seriously depressed and as i said my life just goes to pot.
I know i should recognise this as abuse, and i am worried it will start again, but i just cannot shake the feeling that if we both got through this together then it will be okay. I dont know.

The biggest problem is that we live in a small town to be honest. Sometimes i wish i could just move away then i think i would handle it a lot better. To see him, hear about him constantly greatly affects my time to get over him. Its awful.
I know whats wrong and what i need to do, its just actually doing it. Thanks for the responses im just going to ride things through and see how it goes.

[Luti-Kriss]

Well, a lot of people will probably disagree with me, BUT...

I think he's just as confused as you are. My instincts are telling me he was going to ask you back, but you pressured him into making the final decision before he was ready, accidentally of course. I think you were right about how you thought the feeling of falling in love all over again was mutual. I mean, why else would he take you out on that nice date? Obviously he was interested in some real romance instead of just fooling around.

I personally think just letting it go when he said he didn't want to talk about it instead of telling him he could only contact you when he was ready to commit would have been better. If you just let it go, the romance would have continued to blossom and he would have asked you out again, very soon I feel actually. But now you've put him on the spot, which is very stressful. Now that you've told him he can't contact you unless he's ready to commit, the romance will die a little more day by day. Every day that he can't contact you is another day of growing further apart. Since you wouldn't be together building anymore romance, you'll both be apart building new lives, meeting new people. Which makes his mind drift further away from where it was about to be, wanting to be back with you.

But, what's done is done. You stood your ground on your feelings, I do give you props for that. But now I think it's best to just move on and live your life. I don't see him contacting you anytime soon, if he even does contact you. Best to just enjoy life and not be miserable waiting by the phone right?

I'm sorry it ended up this way :[