Hmm, I know this is all true. I do know that he can be extremely abusive.
I hate him when he is like that, he has treated me like crap in the past and it isnt something i want to live through. I have horribly low self esteem, and no confidence in myself. It is something i am working on and would like to fix completely but im just not too sure how to.
Yesterday after i posted this, he said if he couldnt see me and that was my answer then he would put his all into this relationship and start from fresh. Which is what i wanted, i want to be able to put all the BS behind us and just be able to be together, how we were before. I guess i block out every bad thing he has done. I dont know why i do it, when i think of him, i think of how in love we were. How comfortable we are together and how much fun we have just being boring sat in the house doing nothing at all. I have never felt this way with anyone before and i wish we could go back to before he started the abusive behaviour. I never really think of the times he's flipped out on me or insulted me, because i think of them as mistakes. I dont think he's a bad person, but i know i should see him that way.
Today i had a super boring day at work. I thought about everything and i still am not sure how everything will work out with us, everything seems so impossible but for some reason i just cant describe my love for him. Our relationship has always 'intense'. Thats the only way i could describe it.
I know i should just leave.. But i dont feel like i can do it.. I dont know why i feel that way, but i am completely MISERABLE without him. I have nothing without him it seems. When he is not around, i have no friends, i just stay home and get seriously depressed and its awful. I dont feel the strength i need to be without him. I feel trapped..
I dont know what to do about it, its hard to talk to anybody anymore without sounding completely pathetic. I know i am being but i just dont know what to do. I know what the RIGHT thing to do is.. But i feel too weak to get through it.