My boyfriend may be scarred for life...

[bubbles]

I wanted to put this in the ask a male forum, because it's hard for women to know how guy's minds really work.

My boyfriend of 6 months is moving in January, 9 hours away. He wants me to go with him and live with him. I'm a little against living together, especially since marriage hasn't been discussed, so I brought it up. I told him that I really didn't want to live with someone unless they knew they wanted to marry me. I told him that I wasn't trying to get him to tell me that, because we haven't been dating for a long time, but I just wanted to see what his views on marriage are. He surprisingly told me that marriage is not appealing to him.

My heart dropped. I asked him why, and he told me because of the way marriage has (or hasn't) worked in his life. His parents were married and divorced 3 times, most recently less than a year ago. My boyfriend was engaged to his ex before me, and she ended up breaking up with him and getting engaged to his good friend immediately. Needless to say, he has a very negative view of marriage. He told me that he will probably want it in the future, but he can't say for sure. If he does, he said he won't be ready for at least 4 or 5 years. He said his mind could change, but he can't tell me that he definitely does want marriage eventually. He will be 26 in October, and I'm 24. I had envisioned getting married after about 3 years of dating. I am almost completely convinced that I want this man in my life forever. If it weren't for him moving, I would be a little more patient, but I have to make a decision in the next few months that could change my life forever.

Do you think he is still scarred from these traumatic situations? They happened pretty recently, so maybe he just needs a little bit of time to realize that marriage can be beautiful? Men- do a lot of guys say things like this, then change their mind?

[VincenzoG91]

Sounds like the usual fear of commitment, though at least he has some history to explain it. It's sad that his parents got divorced and his engagement didn't work out, but none of that matters if he decides that he wants to get married anyway.

The bigger problem is that he is planning to move 9 hours away and right now you have only been with him for six months. It's a tough call as to whether you should move with him, which doesn't necessarily have to mean moving in with him. If not for the impending move, you could just take things one day at a time and see where this goes. But if he moves that far away and you don't move with him, the best you can hope for is one of those frustrating and unstable long-distance relationships, the kind that usually don't work out.

[Nicholas_V]

So say that he was telling you "yeah, I was born to get married - it's my purpose in life". What difference would it make to you? I mean, a LOT can happen - relationships do break down for all kinds of reasons that you wouldn't even be able to imagine now. Words are just words and no one can tell or make promises about what the future is going to land on either of you.

Is 6 months too soon to move in with someone AND in a different city/state/country? Yes, probably. Too risky for you too. You would have to start a new life again - find a new job, make new friends etc (nothing wrong with it btw - on the contrary. But it takes some extra effort). If you enjoy the "advnenture" side of it and you don't think you will miss what you leave behind (or miss out in whatever way), then, why not, go for it, bearing in mind what I said in the first paragraph.

Oh - and a piece of advice: don't waste your time in a long distance "relationship". They almost never work.

[Boisdevie]

If you've only been together 6 months I'd be very wary of living together. The fact that he's not bothered about getting married - well why does that matter so much to you? Need a ring on your finger?
Relationships can work quite well without marriage.

[MaidenMinx]

My man swore for ages we weren't going to get married. We're getting married in a little over a week. Also, by the time you reach January you'll be closer to the 12 month point. Not a bad time to be moving in together.

[surfer808]

I personally for me am against marriage. I have done it twice and in my mind today have no intention of ever doing it again. I am older than you guys are, but my perspective is this:

I can be in a committed loving relationship, be faithful, and love the hell out of my girl. I tend to be more attentive, since either of us could essentially walk. Marriage has no glue that keeps this from happening anyway (divorces are costly and skyrocketing) There is no hurry btw. I may change my mind someday, but I would have to be with that person for years and years to make absolutely sure. Hope this helps

[pisces25]

I had envisioned getting married after about 3 years of dating.

Try not to have too many 'timelines' in life. You will end up disappointed if it doesn't happen. Not to put a damper on things but you have only been together 6 months and there are probably a few trials and tribulations ahead particularly if you move with him or have to be in a LDR. I wouldn't stress too much about his aversion to marriage. Too many things can change and what he says now doesn't necessarily equate to what happens in the future. The fact he wants you to move with him and live with him after such a short time is a commitment in itself. Don't push the marriage issue.

[DannyH]

6 months seems a bit too soon to even began about wanting to take you off to a far away land from your friends, family, your life. Even with people that have been together for years having to move to a different state ,country, whatever can make or break even the best of relationships. On the marriage part I'm not even going to touch that madness.

[davedlt]

As a (very) general trend, men don't find marriage as appealing as women do.

Of course because that is very general, there are exceptions everywhere. But that is the general rule. To a lot of women I have found they see it as like the ultimate level of a relationship where it is all complete and the best place to be, while the men kind of wonder why if things were going so well, why do they have to now agree to a legal arrangement and even vow before God, that they will never leave this person or get with someone else, even if things start going pear-shaped.

To a lot of guys, marriage is like taking away their freedom to love someone. If someone had the choice to love someone or not, if they choose to love them then it is real love. But if they don't have the choice not to love someone, then it is not really a choice to love them.

Also to a lot of guys, if they are in a relationship which is not very 'official', then a breakup is smooth. So because of that they don't fear a breakup as much, which frees up their mind to enjoy the relationship. But if it is a marriage, a breakup is a divorce where all sorts of things go haywire. So now, to the guy, for no real reason all these added negative consequences have been added if something goes wrong. So now to the guy there is more to fear.

Now obviously it depends on the individual guy where he is in all of this. Some guys are extremely opposed to marriage, some are not. But guys not wanting marriage as much as women doesn't make them love any less. They are just different. Freedom is generally more important to men.

[bubbles]

Oh - and a piece of advice: don't waste your time in a long distance "relationship". They almost never work.

That is exactly why I'm in such a predicament. We both have said that we HATE long-distance relationships, and they rarely work. I work full-time and he would be in school full-time and working part-time; we wouldn't have enough time to maintain a relationship that far apart.

We will be together for 13 months when he moves, so I feel that would be enough time to make a decision. However, I need to make a decision before my lease runs out - so that gives me 3 months. He will only be in this new place for 2 years, and hopefully he'll move back to our city. The only thing I'm really worried about is finding a job and being able to support myself, because I know that I don't want him to support me.

I think I can get over the marriage thing, it just bothered me that he so openly said that he doesn't want marriage; that he's not even considering it if he were to find the perfect girl. A lot of comments have told me that I don't know what will happen in the future, and that is so true. I can't live my life expecting certain things will happen the way I want them to.

[bulrush]

My man swore for ages we weren't going to get married. We're getting married in a little over a week. Also, by the time you reach January you'll be closer to the 12 month point. Not a bad time to be moving in together.

Yep. Sometimes if you don't put ANY pressure on guys at all, they will come around on their own.

Also, I think the OP has it backwards. One cannot tell if they want to get married UNLESS they live with them, every day, for a year. You truly cannot know if a person bugs you until you live with them and see all their odd habits. Like I have to have the loose end of the toilet paper on the outiside. It's the right thing to do.