please, no judgment. in love with married best friend.

[incircles]

forgive the bad writing. i didn't sleep much and i'm just letting it spill out.

she and i started as creative partners and then became best friends, then had crushes on each other, and then fell in love. she's married with two children, but she's never been in love with or really connected with her husband; she married him because she knew he wasn't going anywhere and because he was solid and dependable. and he is those things -- he's a good man -- but her capacity for love is amazing and she deserves so much better. i'm not saying that i'm better than him, just better for her; and she knows this and knows that there are people better for him than her.

they slept together a handful times last year, but her heart's not in it; since we became intimate, they haven't. (it took us four months of knowing we had feelings for each other to say "i love you," and five to kiss, seven to touch each other more than tentatively, and eight to be naked together. we still haven't slept together, but we've come close.)

sometimes when you're in a situation like this, the grass is greener and the love is pure idealization, but because we started out as best friends and because there was a strong attraction -- physical and mental -- and because we've written hundreds of thousands of words to each other via e-mail and probably tens of thousands via text, we know that there's an incredible connection here. i don't like everything about her. she doesn't like everything about me. we don't idealize each other. but we know that -- had we met fifteen years ago -- we'd have spent our lives together and died still in love. it's that powerful. strongest thing i've ever felt, her too.

but she has children and she's worried about them hating her or hating me. and she thinks they would eventually be okay, but she can't imagine telling them that they're about to go through an upheaval in their lives.

in the meantime, there's the stress of this affair. because we're friends and because we work on things together, we get to see each other, and she never has to lie. her phone's tracked anyway, so it's not like we can run off to a hotel (and it's not like we'd feel okay doing that anyway). still, the stress is taking its toll on both of us: the inability to have a normal relationship, the fact that everything we do that feels beautiful and amazing also feels wrong. if we were out of each others' lives, though, it would hurt even more -- maybe especially for her, as this is sort of her last chance to be happy. she's trying to figure out what to do, has been for months. she says that she needs to feel like she can make peace with the decision. her marriage isn't fixable -- it could be pleasant and civil, never good -- but everything with us (even when we were just friends) has been so powerful, neither of us want to lose it.

we're breaking down, though. months ago, it was about saying, "oh, hi, wow, i love you," and about each new discovery. now we know everything, we've felt everything. we know each others' hearts, bodies, minds. she knows i'd do anything to be with her and do anything for her once we were together and try to be the best everything that i could be for everyone. i know that she loves me more than she's ever loved anyone (except for maybe her children) and that she's just painfully stuck. and now we talk about things twice a week and it always comes down to her saying words that make me go wtf how is this not so obvious? and then she says she doesn't know what to do.

what do we do? i really do feel like if this ends unresolved, i'm going to need years of therapy to trust love ever again. i've been in two relationships since i've been in love with her, neither of which i could really be in at all. if she has to let me go, she's going to spiral into a place where she's no good for her husband or her children, and i'm going to feel like i have nothing to live for. the creative work we do will fall apart, i'll lose my best friend, i won't be able to focus on my job. i won't kill myself -- ever -- but i can't imagine not wanting to. and she, she's got this secret that she'll have to keep inside forever. but if i tell her, "come see me when you're separated" and offer an ultimatum, she's the kind of person who will just say, "if that's what you want" and suffer in silence. she's not a fighter, at all. she'll never fight for anything. she abides and suffers. i'm a fighter, and i don't want to be pressuring her as much as i am. really, i'm pressuring her about the future more because i want the present to feel okay. i want to be able to hold her hand when we're around other people, i want things to be free of guilt. but i'm also so ready to take on her life and its complexity.

so, what do we do? inb4 the honorable thing is to stop messing around behind his back. please, please don't say that. i know. maybe it is. and maybe we should. it's just... something this perfect doesn't even come along in everyone's lifetime. i've lived a lot of life and been in love a lot of times. this is special. what do we do? if we do stop the affair, what do we do after that to survive? what does she need to make her up mind? what should i give her? should i be there for her? i don't know the answers to any of these questions, and our hearts are slowly breaking.

i love her so much. i want her to be happy. but if she stays, her kids might, but she won't. i want to do the right thing, but what IS the right thing? maybe the right thing is to treasure and explore this connection without disrupting anyone's life. it's not taking anything away from somewhere where nothing is... but this is killing us and it's all we ever think about anymore.

[ivorylady]

sometimes, there's nothing you call it right or wrong, it maybe wrong in someone's perception, but not with the other person.

If you be together with her, there's a lot of parties gonna be hurt, her children, her husband, her husband's family and her's as well.

If both of you separated, both of you gonna be hurt, this sound obvious and easy to make decision, but is that what both of you really want? everyone to be happy except both of you?

You've to think about it, decision is yours, good luck buddy!

[incircles]

the decision, unfortunately, isn't mine. it's hers. but isn't it better to hurt quickly than to be in a slowly drawn-out relationship with little love or communication? and isn't it possible that if her house was filled with love and warmth between her and me, her kids would be better off for it? at least that's what i'm thinking. i love them because she loves them, and i could grow to love them directly very quickly. i never, ever want to hurt her kids or take away their father from their life.

my mom stayed in a less-than-perfect marriage for the sake of the kid, and thinks that that's the wrong thing for this girl to do. (yeah, i've talked about it with my mom. the girl is going to talk about it with hers soon. without... the details...)

but. yeah. no right or wrong. i get that. dishonesty to one person is sometimes honesty to the self, and vice versa. and i'm not blindly selfish (if she could really be happy there i could let her go), but i think honesty to the self is the most important, because if you're not honest with yourself, you're going to die with too many regrets.

[leoben]

so, what do we do? inb4 the honorable thing is to stop messing around behind his back. please, please don't say that. i know. maybe it is. and maybe we should. it's just... something this perfect doesn't even come along in everyone's lifetime. i've lived a lot of life and been in love a lot of times. this is special. what do we do? if we do stop the affair, what do we do after that to survive? what does she need to make her up mind? what should i give her? should i be there for her? i don't know the answers to any of these questions, and our hearts are slowly breaking.

Perfect for you maybe, not so much for her. If you really had everything she was looking for and her current relationship was as bad as it seems then she would dump him and be with you. All that stuff about her children is just an excuse.

Since you obviously don't want to hear you should end it, threatening readers with all the bad things that might happen if you do, I will just say this. Enjoy what she gives you! Don't expect sex or a promotion to main boyfriend and you both might stay happy with this arrangement. Make sure you have an extra set of tires and a bunch of locks on your door though, the husband isn't going to be happy when he finds out.

[incircles]

yeah, of course he has the advantage in at least one way: he's their kids' father. and i asked her what she would gain from staying, and she said, "predictability."

she's been convinced that marriages *can* be dead inside and still work for the sake of the children. lots of people stay together for that reason in worse situations. and that maybe that's what should happen; her marriage isn't horrible, it's just lonely and frustrating. and maybe she's looking for any excuse she can find because she's terrified of change.

and it's okay, you can tell me to end it. just don't tell me i'm a bad guy for being in this situation, because it's really grey, and don't tell me that i should end it because that's the textbook response. and i don't have any idea how either of us could end it and still function. i've gone through long-term relationship breakups before, but this would be so much devastating because of the potential. it'd be like the death of a child instead of the death of a grandmother.

[akatrma]

Sometimes you come to a point where you cannot move on without resolving certain issues/situations, the "ultimatum point". It seems you have reached that point. Either way it goes you will be better of settling the matter now. If she leaves him and comes to you, fine, if she doesn't, to bad but then you know and can quit barking up the wrong tree. There will be someone else somewhere else for you then. ...and don't worry about the consequences, there will be such any way to slice it so by taking command and making a decision you know when the shit will hit the fan and be ready for it.

[incircles]

Yeah, I told her I think something has to happen soon, and she knows it too. I don't want to be alone and devastated on my birthday (which is in a little more than a month) but maybe after that. It's just so hard to say, "This is the right time" without feeling cruel. I almost did last night. But then I put my head on her shoulder and felt her warmth and knew I couldn't follow through.

But for the first time last night, I said, "I don't want to hurt your husband either." And that was a big thing for me to admit.

[Wakeup]

what do we do? if we do stop the affair, what do we do after that to survive? what does she need to make her up mind? what should i give her? should i be there for her? i don't know the answers to any of these questions, and our hearts are slowly breaking.

but this is killing us and it's all we ever think about anymore.

Your Karma.. enjoy.

Your tale is not anything new. I've read it at least a thousand times in various forums. Always the married one never leaves. While the cockholder suffers and waits for the next time he can hit it.

You romance your situation to fit your own fantasy.

[smackie9]

Ya I agree. The one that is married will always say the marriage is bad, or over....they down play the relationship, it's typical. It's not love, it's obsession, fueled by fantasy that is all. Deep down she does love her husband and will not leave him. All you give to her is special emotional attention that she no longer gets from her husband. This is a natural occurrence in marriages so some will seek attention outside the relationship, and usually it's with a co-worker. Dude you are just being used to fill an emotional void. She will realize the value of her marriage, and her family and won't foolishly throw it all away just for an infatuation..

[incircles]

but it *does* happen. it's happened to several of my friends' parents. it might. maybe the odds are slim.

[Wakeup]

but it *does* happen. it's happened to several of my friends' parents. it might. maybe the odds are slim.

Is that where you got your relationship training? From the ****ed up "Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice" (google it) examples of your American Pie development years?

Dude: You are a reprieve from the suburban security of her chosen existance. Wave goodbye to her. I promise you with time you will get over your fantasy and you'll find yourself your own woman who won't already be taken (although I'd keep the affair to yourself because there is a concensus out there that people like you will do the same thing again if given the chance and your odds of finding a sane woman with good self worth will be diminished).

Trust me, you really won't die from emotional pain if you're determined to let go and get on with your life and enjoy your future dating journey(s).

[confused2207]

Perfect for you maybe, not so much for her. If you really had everything she was looking for and her current relationship was as bad as it seems then she would dump him and be with you. All that stuff about her children is just an excuse.

Since you obviously don't want to hear you should end it, threatening readers with all the bad things that might happen if you do, I will just say this. Enjoy what she gives you! Don't expect sex or a promotion to main boyfriend and you both might stay happy with this arrangement. Make sure you have an extra set of tires and a bunch of locks on your door though, the husband isn't going to be happy when he finds out.

I just feel like this is a very pessimistic viewpoint. You make it sound like, from this post, that no one has ever left their spouse for someone before. Personally, while I am not an advocate of cheating, I am an advocate of chasing what makes you happy, and there is mutual happiness.... I mean...

[Wakeup]

I just feel like this is a very pessimistic viewpoint. You make it sound like, from this post, that no one has ever left their spouse for someone before. Personally, while I am not an advocate of cheating, I am an advocate of chasing what makes you happy, and there is mutual happiness.... I mean...

Seems neither of them are happy. They're just addicted to the clandistine sex and drama of "not being able to be together." Where if she was really unhappy in her marriage and really loved OP and really wanted to be with him, she'd have left her husband by now. I think she's logical enough in her infidelity to have not mistaken her lust for love. OP, not so much.

[IndiReloaded]

Or, mbe she just won't destroy her family, however much she thinks she loves you. Perhaps justifying your affair to herself but won't leave the marriage b/c of her child(ren?). There are loads of men and women who are fine with having an affair, but would eat their own shit before divorcing when there are kids.

Its terribly unfair to you, tho, which makes me think she is just selfish and doesn't really love you. A classy woman who truly cared about you would let you go b/c she wouldn't want to hurt you, which is all this affair is really doing.

But if you are really convinced she is the one you must have? TELL her husband she's been cheating w/you. Maybe HE will divorce HER. I hope you are prepared to be a good stepdad (have you even considered this)?

Your story is as old as the hills, as WU said. Good luck

[smackie9]

Or, mbe she just won't destroy her family, however much she thinks she loves you. Perhaps justifying your affair to herself but won't leave the marriage b/c of her child(ren?). There are loads of men and women who are fine with having an affair, but would eat their own shit before divorcing when there are kids.

Its terribly unfair to you, tho, which makes me think she is just selfish and doesn't really love you. A classy woman who truly cared about you would let you go b/c she wouldn't want to hurt you, which is all this affair is really doing.

But if you are really convinced she is the one you must have? TELL her husband she's been cheating w/you. Maybe HE will divorce HER. I hope you are prepared to be a good stepdad (have you even considered this)?

Your story is as old as the hills, as WU said. Good luck

Now that"s throwing a lit match into a bucket of gasoline....