My girlfriend DENIES what she is doing is wrong! I need some desperate feedback!

[mono]

(WARNING: Long post!) The following is some background information, in order to help you understand the circumstances as fully as possible. We have been dating for almost exactly a year (our 1 year anniversary is coming up in 10 days). Since beginning our relationship, I have had the pleasure to spend practically every day with her. Due to some unusual circumstances, we began living together after 6 months of dating. My parents temporarily moved out of the area for several years, so I made the decision to housekeep, and begin living with her in the house. She had been driving up to my college on a daily basis (1 hour trip) to see me, but in between fall and spring semester, she lost her means of transportation. I wanted more than anything for the relationship to work, so I decided to make a radical decision to move in to the house and begin commuting to college. It was obviously a huge adjustment for both of us, but I was (and still am) madly in love with her and more than willing to do whatever I could to make the relationship work.

My girlfriend is really involved in online gaming. She began playing with a guy who lives nearby who she met online, around a month ago. He added her on Facebook, and they began communicating on daily basis, and playing often – they seemed to get a long very well. One night, he invited her to come play the game at his house, with him and his friends (who she also plays with online). From that day on, she began going over on a frequent basis (about every other night), and even slept over. It went from her going over to play games with them, to her going to a party with him (and not coming back until the next morning), going to a movie with him and his friends, etc… I wanted to know why the dynamics of the relationship had changed all of a sudden; she has never been the type to go out that frequently (in the course of our relationship). She explained that we see each other on a daily basis, and she wants to be able to hang out with people alone. I accept that, but was feeling very uncomfortable with the fact that my girlfriend was hanging out with a guy, almost every night – who I have never met. I can’t help but feel uncomfortable when my girlfriend is hanging out with a guy, and even spending the night at his place, without at least introducing me. After about 2 weeks of this behavior continuing, I kept on insisting I should meet him. I go out of my way to make her feel comfortable, because I want the relationship to be strong. She kept saying when she feels it is appropriate she will. She began talking more and more, to the point where I couldn’t even go out with her, without her spending 50% of her time glued to her phone, texting him with a big smile on her face. I would come home from work, excited to see her, and in a few hours she would be in the bathroom getting ready to go out. We stopped having sex, as she was gone most nights and not in the mood when she was staying in. I felt confused and frustrated.

I am not the jealous, paranoid type – but I snapped, I couldn’t stay in the dark and keep on feeling uncomfortable with the situation – I would NEVER sleep at a girls house without introducing my girlfriend to her. It did not make sense to me why she couldn’t at LEAST introduce me to him for a few minutes if she was going to be going over to his place on a regular basis. I did what I felt like the only thing to do was, and that was to find out for myself, as she wasn’t being cooperative. I found their chat log when she left her facebook open, and found the following message:

“I have never, ever been one to fight for someone’s attention or affection but I honestly think you’re worth it. If you want to have nothing to do with me then I will leave you alone and that’s okay… I mean it’s not what I prefer in the least, but I can’t make you talk to me. I’m seriously so confused as to why you’re treating me as you are, after all of the sweet things you have said to me. I fell for you hard and I didn’t expect that at all and I feel dumb even saying it. The reason I got upset was because I didn’t want to get hurt. I realized I care so much about you and I don’t know for sure how you feel about me. I didn’t want to end up to be some girl you used just to ****, and I realize now I was being irrational. And I am so ****ing sorry for how I treated you. You don’t know how terrible I have felt since I said those things to you. I never meant to make you feel like shit, I never meant to put you down, and I have never meant to make you feel less than amazing. That was never, ever my intention. I want nothing more right now than for you to forgive me and for us to continue on as we were, because honestly I love hanging out with you. As much as you say we don’t “click,” I think you and I get along more than I have got along with most people I have come across. Please, please don’t hold this against me. If you do forgive me, I will promise from the bottom of my heart never to doubt you again or take out my feelings on you. I really am sorry ____”

Alongside this message, she had sent him 2 very provocative pictures. I showed her the message that night, and told her I don’t want to be with her anymore. My whole world was crushed when I saw it. She told me that it was a mistake, and that she wrote it to him as a friend, and insists she never cheated on me. My whole world was upside down and I was devastated. We had a huge argument, but at the end of the night we got back together. I wanted so badly to start a new chapter in the relationship and move on. I told her to stop talking to him, block him on facebook, etc… It took a lot of effort, she was very hesitant to do so, but I basically told her you either end communication with him or I am done with the relationship.

After this whole ordeal, I believe our relationship became stronger than it had ever been. I thought that we had moved on and it was all in the past. I then find they are Facebook friends again. Her reasoning is “she feels bad declining him” but wont be messaging him. Then I come home one night and she is playing the online game, with him and his friends. I flip out. She tells me that the game is important to her, and she really enjoys playing with him and the friends but has already made the sacrifice of not hanging out or talking with him.

In my mind, where the hell is the line drawn? I can’t move on, I can’t be happy being with her if I don’t feel comfortable.

She refuses to delete contact with him, and denies that there is anything wrong with them playing together. She says the letter was a mistake, but they never actually did anything so it is OK.

I don’t want to end the relationship with the girl I am MADLY in love with, but I can’t deal with this constant stress either. There is no one I would rather spend my time with, but as long as she is still talking with him, I can’t treat her as I have been with all the pent up resentment. All I ask is for her to completely stop talking, to the man she sent this message to, and she wont do it. I need some desperate advice because I want to save the relationship so bad. I love her so much and want to start a new chapter. Thanks for reading.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

End it with her. Tell her not to contact you at all while she is still in contact with him.

[mono]

Ending our relationship is the last thing I want to do, I want to find some way to show her my perspective and that what she is doing is insanely disrespectful and inconsiderate. I REALLY want to fix it so badly, not end it. I want to show her this thread and let her understand that the way I feel is not irrational, that anyone in my shoes would feel very frustrated (understatement for sure) if they were faced with this situation.

[smackie9]

You are boring and a push over, this new guy and his social circle is a turn on for her. Rubbing her nose in it isn't going to make her quit. Stop being in denial, it's so over dude.

[JadenMia]

"I didn’t want to end up to be some girl you used just to **** "

She has slept with him, she has cheated on you. There is no need to help her understand what she is doing wrong.. She KNOWS she is doing wrong. She is just trying to persuade you that she isnt so you wont leave her.
Just save your dignity and leave her. Go be happy and find someone who wont treat you like a complete fool. All the best.

[smackie9]

No worries about deciding to end it...I'm sure she will be doing it for you soon enough.

[VincenzoG91]

She sounds really selfish, and not at all like somebody who really cares for you. Her behavior is clearly wrong, and yet she won't stop. Don't even talk to her about this anymore, just dump her.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

I want to find some way to show her my perspective and that what she is doing is insanely disrespectful and inconsiderate. I REALLY want to fix it so badly, not end it. I want to show her this thread and let her understand that the way I feel is not irrational, that anyone in my shoes would feel very frustrated (understatement for sure) if they were faced with this situation.
Last edited by mono; Today at 03:30 AM.

The way you show her what she's doing is insanely disrespectful and inconsiderate, by having a little respect for yourself and ending it if her behavior continues as is. You're a boring, pussy, doormat and that's not attractive to anyone(as you're finding out now). By the way, she's ****ing this other dude..missionary..doggy..anal(?). Just grow some balls, bitch.

[IncognitoSir]

She's definitely cheating o you, I'd say physically as well as emotionally, but emotionally cheating for sure.......don't be a doormat man. It's really easy to fall for, just stand up, look her in the eyes, and dump her.

[Wakeup]

I can’t move on, I can’t be happy being with her if I don’t feel comfortable.

Why are you giving up such a fundemental personal relationship boundary? You're allowing her to cross it repeatedly and you're crossing it yourself (by staying with her when you can't be happy in it) which is even more disrespectful to yourself and makes it worse for your sense of worth.

She uses you for your home and the stability (does she even work?) Don't let her disrespect you like this for a moment longer. Give her 30 days to find another place to live and stop begging her to change for you. She doesn't want to.

I'm sorry you're hurting.

[VincenzoG91]

Why are you giving up such a fundemental personal relationship boundary? You're allowing her to cross it repeatedly and you're crossing it yourself (by staying with her when you can't be happy in it) which is even more disrespectful to yourself and makes it worse for your sense of worth.

She uses you for your home and the stability (does she even work?) Don't let her disrespect you like this for a moment longer. Give her 30 days to find another place to live and stop begging her to change for you. She doesn't want to.

I'm sorry you're hurting.

30 days is a long time. Give her to boot now, and she can go live with gameboy.

[Wakeup]

Perhaps I'm being too sympathetic the 30 days was based on the more than likely outcome of gameboy not wanting anything past a quick jump with her and her being out on the street.

Strange I usually don't have that much heart for da cheata..

[VincenzoG91]

Perhaps I'm being too sympathetic the 30 days was based on the more than likely outcome of gameboy not wanting anything past a quick jump with her and her being out on the street.

Strange I usually don't have that much heart for da cheata..

Getting dumped by gameboy too would provide a valuable life lesson for cheating girl. She might even come crawling back to the OP, which is worthwhile for at least the esteem boost.

[Cerby]

You are boring and a push over, this new guy and his social circle is a turn on for her. Rubbing her nose in it isn't going to make her quit. Stop being in denial, it's so over dude.

I'm not sure how you drew that the OP is boring out of this. . .That might have been a harsh jump to conclusion.

But at the OP, the night she decided to stay over the first time was when all the boundaries were blown, and in love or not, it needed to be addressed right there. Allowing her to continue to do it showed that you would put up with her shit in order to stay with her.

After a year of being together she should know what your boundaries are, and coming home at night should be one of them for sure. She would have known as she was doing it that she was wrong.

[pisces25]

Tell us why you are so madly in love with this girl? Everything you said in your post is negative. I think you are attached not in love. And I agree with the others, you have no respect for yourself. You have been together less than a year. Do you really want to go through this again next year, and the year after and the year after?