It's a guy thing...that hurts women

[muun]

You all know - p**n. The past few hours I've been stalking various relationship forums on this issue that some women have with their men. Unfortunately I am one of them. The advice given is not that helpful, more along the lines of 'get over it, all guys do it, it's nothing personal'. That isn't helpful in helping those that feel upset by it work through it.

It's been an issue for quite a while now. My boyfriend and I have had many discussions about it. I've finally come to realised that he's not going to stop looking at it while he's with me, although this thought does kill me and I cry every time I think about it. I'm not saying I don't like it myself...just generally if I don't have a boyfriend or if I'm really lonely. I had a look at his (unfortunately huge) collection, and it made me disgusted even more. I have standards when it comes to p***...he doesn't.

On a personal note, he says he likes my body and how I look, but I still feel like I need to get implants, stop eating, wear ridiculously high heels and dye my hair blonde and just be generally fake. I've even started wearing a lot more makeup than normal. I can't help feeling like I just don't do it for him anymore, when it's only been three years.

I guess to bring it short, I want to know how to get over it. YES, I know I'll need to speak with him about it. Have any of you out there been in the same situation and learnt to accept this?

xxx L

(I know this topic is constantly done to death but some helpful advice would be really appreciated)

[Ugly_Idiot]

I'm really sorry if this sounds patronising but i don't understand a girl who hates a guy having porn???

Not sure if i've even come across a girl that doesn't approve in a way that it really bothers them :/

[muun]

That's okay...I also hope my comment doesn't sound patronising, but from what I've found, most guys don't understand my feelings either! :p

As for the other forums I've been on, all I get from other women is either "Oh my god, me too" or "it's a guy thing, get over it". Naturally I over-think things so that doesn't help...

[Ugly_Idiot]

Well i cannot really give you any helpful advice, but i do think it would be something you personally had to come to terms with.

Hope you sort it out anyway

[TheTooya]

My previous exes were the same way.

All I can say is, I am a pretty passive guy. The instances where I have a hysterical girlfriend that doesn't like me watching porn, where I do agree to not watch any more, I resent her. I resent her from restricting me.

So.. my best advice is to come to terms with it. Watching porn is all fine and fun, and yes it may hurt your feelings. At best, talk to your boyfriend about it, tell him how it makes you feel. The compromise I came up to was I wouldn't save porn on my computer, just stream it online. :/

Good luck

[mrund3rd09]

a woman doesn't want her man fantasizing about some other woman. makes sense to me...

[devonbrown]

First, don't try to impress your boyfriend by changing how you look. Impress yourself.

The thing is, confidence and strength are the most attractive things in anyone. I think you will discover that one of the things about porn that almost all of it has in common is that the actors are enjoying themselves. They are giving off a sense that they are confident in themselves and their sexuality.

My opinion is that sometimes people will watch things when they themselves are not confident in their abilities and sexual selves.

I am not saying to ignore it if it bothers you that much. And you have already said you know you need to talk to him, so I won't say that either. I will suggest that when you talk to him, don't come across as accusatory and say things like "you like your porn girls more than me" or anything like that. Keep things calm during the conversation.
But also let your boyfriend know that it isn't about his watching porn. It is about how you are feeling in your relationship with him because of the porn. Keep the focus on how you feel and not that you think what he is doing is "wrong" or anything like that.

Good luck.

[HeartIsAching]

You all know - p**n. The past few hours I've been stalking various relationship forums on this issue that some women have with their men. Unfortunately I am one of them. The advice given is not that helpful, more along the lines of 'get over it, all guys do it, it's nothing personal'. That isn't helpful in helping those that feel upset by it work through it.

It's been an issue for quite a while now. My boyfriend and I have had many discussions about it. I've finally come to realised that he's not going to stop looking at it while he's with me, although this thought does kill me and I cry every time I think about it. I'm not saying I don't like it myself...just generally if I don't have a boyfriend or if I'm really lonely. I had a look at his (unfortunately huge) collection, and it made me disgusted even more. I have standards when it comes to p***...he doesn't.

On a personal note, he says he likes my body and how I look, but I still feel like I need to get implants, stop eating, wear ridiculously high heels and dye my hair blonde and just be generally fake. I've even started wearing a lot more makeup than normal. I can't help feeling like I just don't do it for him anymore, when it's only been three years.

I guess to bring it short, I want to know how to get over it. YES, I know I'll need to speak with him about it. Have any of you out there been in the same situation and learnt to accept this?

xxx L

(I know this topic is constantly done to death but some helpful advice would be really appreciated)

Short answer: Get therapy.

Slightly longer answer: You've got issues with insecurity. See a therapist, or possibly get some self-help books. Some of them are useful, but most are crap.

[Bonfire]

I know many people say watching porn is natural and normal. Well, so is flirting with the opposite sex. But we refrain ourselves from certain behavior when it hurts our partner. You are not wrong in thinking this way, don't let anyone convince you otherwise.

[HeartIsAching]

I know many people say watching porn is natural and normal. Well, so is flirting with the opposite sex. But we refrain ourselves from certain behavior when it hurts our partner. You are not wrong in thinking this way, don't let anyone convince you otherwise.

I'd drop a controlling chick that acted like that so fast it'd make her head spin.

[JadenMia]

You know, i am kind of on the fence about the big porn issue. I used to really hate my boyfriend watching it, i just felt like if he needed to look at other women then he didnt need me. Now, yeah over the years i figured its not a big deal and it doesnt bother me at all. Even though, i still think it is pretty wrong i just dont get remotely upset about it anymore.
One thing that made me laugh though, is women who think this way are deemed controlling, insecure. I dont think thats really the case, i think anybody knowing their partner looking at other people fantasizing about them is pretty hurtful. Whether it is an act of cheating or not. My bf used to visit the strippers with his buddies every few months. One time, i thought i could handle it if i went too, i couldnt. Stupid idea. lol But from then on, i figured, if he can look at other women in that way, then i can surely look at other men too!
My friend organised for male strippers to come the our local pub for a friends birthday. My boyfriend was SO pissed, he just couldnt understand why i would want to look at anyone elses dick but his! Funny how things work eh. He had called me stupid for getting pissy over strippers, now needless to say, he doesnt go to the strippers anymore. Porn is just so common and an everyday thing now, it will be hard to find someone that isnt into it. The best thing to do is just think about it logically and try not to let it bother you.

[Bonfire]

I'd drop a controlling chick that acted like that so fast it'd make her head spin.

Well she luck out doesn't she? It's not about control, it is a matter of understanding and respecting your partner's feeling. The choice is still up to you, what you value more, your personal freedom to porn or her feelings. The best is everyone finding someone who shares the same values and there won't be a problem.

[HeartIsAching]

Well she luck out doesn't she? It's not about control, it is a matter of understanding and respecting your partner's feeling. The choice is still up to you, what you value more, your personal freedom to porn or her feelings. The best is everyone finding someone who shares the same values and there won't be a problem.

I don't know... lemme ask my wife.

Nope, she doesn't care. Of course, my wife actually has little in the way of insecurity, and I don't look at porn much at all.

[vashti]

To Be honest, I think your problem mostly stems from being young and insecure. People tend to chill the f**k out as they get a bit older and more mature. In the meantime, I think it would be a good idea to work on improving your self esteem - not in some stupid, artificial way such as buying boobs, dressing like a whore, or starving yourself. I think you need to do something that makes you really proud of yourself. Maybe your should go back to scool and start a new career? (something you've secretly dreamed about for ages?) Or do some sort of meaningful volunteer work, learn a new hobby, etc.

When you really feel great about yourself, I think you will be able to keep your boyfriend's porn in perspective.

[Wakeup]

it is a matter of understanding and respecting your partner's feeling.

Agreed... but it goes both ways. Op (andTremolo and others) also has to understand and respect her partners feelings and if part of him enjoys rubbing one out to porn once in a while then she needs to compromise on her rigidness as well or the relationship will simply fail. A good relationship is not about having to give up everything for another. It is about being able to accept or compromise on a lot of shit. Unfortunately I'm seeing a lot of "all about me" from several people in this and the other thread. Compromise people, compromise.

I also agree with Vashti. When we get older we do indeed tend to chilll the **** out and when you're in a relationship where you know for a fact that you're 100% valued, things like fake-boobed porn chicks or plastic surgeried womyn in the real are the last things you'll feel threatened about.

I know many people say watching porn is natural and normal. Well, so is flirting with the opposite sex.

there is a HUGE difference there wherein one is actual where the other is fantasy. Not the same thing... sorry to disagree.

The best is everyone finding someone who shares the same values and there won't be a problem.

Way to rigid. Whether one likes it or not, a gal will have a hard time finding a man who does not fantasize to some form of porn. For sure she'll have a hard time finding one that doesn't masturbate. This is where Vincenzo's Al Franklin quote applies. "It's better to put on slippers than to carpet the whole world." Great quote for this and the other thread, V.

P.P.S.

It's a guy thing...that hurts women

No, It's a human nature thing that only hurts women who are insecure about certain things in their relationship or within themselves. Which once said insecurities are outgrown will be totally (certainly mostly) unhurtful.