Dealing with Low Self Esteem

[Gary83]

I've been dating a girl from work now for 2 1/2 months, with a couple of breaks during that time, and there's something about her that is starting to bug me more and more, and that is her self esteem issues. I've tried everything I can to help her, I've tried being as patient as I can but I don't know how much more I can take, it hurts me to see her putting herself down all the time.

The easiest way to explain my situation would be to list every attribute that has brought me to this conclusion, then hopefully you guys will be able to give me some kind of advice.

- Firstly this girl is always putting herself down, always saying she is fat, ugly, etc and always makes jokes that I must be talking about someone else if I ever call her "sexy", "gorgeous", "my sexy girl", etc.
- Today she asked me not to call her such words as sexy or gorgeous as she "doesn't like it", in other words, she just can't see how anyone would think that of her.
- She has ended things between us on two seperate occasions because of small issues I had that I tried to discuss with her. Despite the fact she agreed that she was in the wrong, she ended things as she said she will continue to do them and I deserve better (hurting me because of something she has done - I don't get it, shouldn't I be the one ending it?).
- If we're lying on the sofa or bed hugging she doesn't like me putting my hand on her stomach or her other supposed "fat bits", despite the fact it's been 2 1/2 months.
- I've never once seen her with her top off, the one time we had sex she left it on, again, I believe because of her low self esteem.
- As I touched on, we've only had sex once, and that was on the third date....2 months ago. Circumstances have been against us so we haven't had loads of opportunities (such as her ending things, being ill, etc) but we've had some but she usually doesn't want to go further than kissing. I've went to take her cardigan off, or lift her top up, but she stops me then generally stops kissing and asks if I want to watch a movie, or do something else.
- She often tells me she "doesn't know why I put up with her" or why I'd want to be with her.

I've tried my best to treat this girl like a princess. I'm constantly calling her beautiful, gorgeous, etc, I'm constantly doing everything I can for this girl to make her happy but despite all that I don't seem to be getting anywhere. She is always putting herself down, calling herself fat and just won't open up to me. I would have thought in almost 3 months she would feel comfortable with her body around me but she isn't. Like I mentioned, we've only had sex once and I do believe that's because she's not comfortable with her body, she doesn't like me putting my hands on parts of her body she calls "fat" when hugging and she just seems to hate herself and it pains me to see.

Can you guys give me any advice on what I can do to make this girl feel more comfortable with her looks, her personality, around me? How I can make this girl realise that, no matter what she thinks of herself, I care about her alot, I love the way she looks and actually like her personality? I feel I'm getting nowhere but I refuse to just walk away.

[maxmax]

One of the problems of being in a long-term relationship is that at times your opinion can start to lose it's value and weight.

The same goes for any kind of encouragement.

The fact that you are always complimenting her in a way doesn't help.

She doesn't like herself, and she needs you to acknowledge the things about her that she doesn't like.

Only then can you can then start to look forward.

Even the issues she has about herself that you trully disagree with, you wont be able to convince her e.g. calling her sexy or gorgeous.

If she doesn't see herself as sexy and gorgeous, you telling her she is wont make much of a difference.

Also, just hearing from you wont count, because she expects you to say it, and she expects you to not want to hurt her feelings.

If this really is an issue with her body-image, then you need to talk to her about it clearly.

Tell her you love her, and that you adore her, and everything else you think of her.

Then let her know that regardless of this, you want to work with her so that she can make the efforts to change her body image, whether that be through diet, exercise, or therapy.

You will need to be objective, and she needs to know that you can be objective.

That will be the only way your opinion of her will really mean anything, because she will need to know that you are being completely honest and seeing things from her perspective.

[KingZ]

Complimenting her just makes her uncomfortable, so you should stop.

You should tell her that you're going to go volunteer (community service or something) and ask her if she wants to come with you.

[Gary83]

Some interesting idea there, but they sound a little risky to me. If I'm going to start acknowledging what she doesn't like about her self, and if I'm going to start telling her I want to work with her to change her body image that could work, but at the same time it could lead her to believe that I do think she needs to lose weight, that I don't think she's as attractive as I've been telling her and it could make her go into her shell even more, feel even more self concious around me then she already is.

[rafterman]

She sounds like a headf$%k.I could'nt handle that.

[maxmax]

Some interesting idea there, but they sound a little risky to me. If I'm going to start acknowledging what she doesn't like about her self, and if I'm going to start telling her I want to work with her to change her body image that could work, but at the same time it could lead her to believe that I do think she needs to lose weight, that I don't think she's as attractive as I've been telling her and it could make her go into her shell even more, feel even more self concious around me then she already is.

Maybe.

Maybe not.

But we're not exactly talking about 'cruel to be kind' here are we?

Facts:

1) What you have tried has not worked thus far, and;

2) You cannot realistically continue in a relationship like this in the long-term.

So a choice has to be made, based on your desire to help her, as that is all that you can do.

If it doesn't work, at least you'll know you did the right thing for the right reason.

The other option is for things to continue going down hill and ultimately not working out ... without even trying a different approach.

[JadenMia]

Oh cmon, its only been 2 1/2 months.
Since i have had a baby, i am SO self concious about my belly and boobs. After this, i have been in a relationship with a man who has called me down, told me how good other girls bodies look compared to mine etc.
I can guarantee that when i meet someone new in the future it is going to take time to adjust to being treat nicely, to be told nice things, and most of all to show my body to him. I dont think men understand how much pressure there is on a woman to look perfect. I know, for me, its going to take time.

Okay, maybe she shouldnt be so down on herself and i can imagine her actions right now are driving you crazy. Because, yeah, ending it and messing around must be a little annoying.

My advice, is that you should slow down on the compliments, if she says something bad about herself, just say simply 'dont be stupid, i love how you look'. Try earn her trust, show her your affection and that you care and you're not just trying to get her into bed. The more she trusts you the more she will open up. Dont baby her, that could make it worse and let her feel she can act this way. Kind of like a child. Just take a 'no nonsense' approach.. If she leaves, say you wont put up with bullsh*t and that if she cant accept that you like her just as she is and you want to be with her, then tough luck. But while you are together, just show her you care and try earn her trust.
You never know, she may have been in a bad relationship herself which could be why she cant understand how you feel. If she is worth the effort, then there will be no problem.

As already said, if it doesnt work and it continues to be like this, dont drag yourself down trying to make her happy. That will end up an unhealthy relationship and its no fun. If it doesnt work then at least you can say you tried everything you could and she will have to fix herself.

[Gary83]

Yeah you have a point about it only being 2 1/2 months, I've had a habit of rushing into things in the past, it's what I'm used to so when things don't go as quickly now I assume something is wrong or out of the ordinary when really everything in that regard is likely normal.

I think right now it's the sex issue which crops up because of, I'm assuming, her low self esteem that is bothering me. That's not to say all I care about is sex and I can't live without it, but since I care about this girl a lot and we've been dating for roughly 2 1/2 months it's natural for me to want to be, to put it nicely, "intermate" with her.

As I mentioned, we've only had sex once, which was a week after we started dating, then done other "stuff" a few times after that, but since our last break up and get back together a couple of weeks ago things seem to have changed in that aspect. We used to flirt over txts and phone calls quite often, she no longer does any of that. She used to do other stuff she no longer does, and now when we're relaxing, kissing for awhile and seemingly about to move on to the next step she just stops it right there.

The last time she ended things for a week or so did have something to do with sex though so I'm assuming that is still on her mind. She basically led me on for 10-15 minutes before stopping, I got frustrated and told her it wasn't fair to do that and she went into her shell knowing I was right then ended things. I'm not sure how to get her back to how she used to be in that sense though, whether I should give it some more time then talk to her about it, or maybe stop showing her affection in that respect and wait for her to come to me, or maybe just keep trying and be patient?

[VincenzoG91]

She doesn't sound like she is ready for a relationship. She would probably be better off seeing a therapist and getting a grip on her issues.