Cheated, divorced, heartbroken

[Pirate]

I am ashamed to say that I destroyed a problematic, but otherwise beautiful marriage to a woman I met when I was 20. I am now 42. We were married for 15 years, and did everything a married couple does...a lifetime of firsts and wonderful memories. But in the latter half or our relationship, things went downhill and we became horribly disconnected. After a few more years, we were like roommates or siblings more than husband & wife. I went through some sort of midlife crisis a few years back and had an affair to a woman I was very, very compatible with and after about 4 months of lies and deceit, I had to tell my wife and end things with the other woman. Well, my wife initially wanted to work on the marriage, even though she was horribly hurt. I agreed, and we started counseling, but a while into it, she realized she could never forgive me and she would not turn back toward me no matter what I said or did. I could not bear the pain of her rejection in my own house, so I moved out. For months, things were amicable and we even got together a few times for the sake of our son, who was about 11 at the time. We also had sex once, but we both kinda knew it was a farewell f*ck. I dragged my feet on the divorce, because I really didn't want it, but she would not reconsider, despite all my pleadings, letters, and heartfelt conversations. Things got more and more disagreeable between us. We were divorced about a year after I moved out.

Now, despite my lingering feelings for my ex wife, I started seeing the other woman soon after I moved out. We developed a very strong bond and happy relationship, and we are still together, with plans of marriage. I truly love her and am so much more at peace with her than my wife. We are much more compatible in so many ways. We have been together now for about 18 months and going strong. But...I only have about 2 years of history with her, vs. the 22 years with my ex.

Problem: the feelings for my ex wife will not go away. I have over 20 years of wonderful memories wih her and I truly miss her. We have limited conversation...limited to discussions about our son and coparenting usually. I have not had a heart to heart conversation with her in over 6 months. She has essentially moved on. She just bought a new condo and I know she has been dating for at least 8 months, although I know nothing about any of that. I know she misses me at times, but she does not let on because she is building herself up and does not want to look weak by telling me she misses me. I understand, and would expect that after what I did. Sometimes I'm glad she is still angry with me, because it helps me reject my feelings of lingering love more easily.

Obviously, my lingering feelings interfere with my current relationship at times and with my life in general. But I cant turn away from my current relationship because aside from my old feelings, this relationship is going VERY well and I do not want to jeapordize it. I just do not know what to do. I know most people would say "tough pal...you screwed up, now you suffer". But despite a horrible mistake, I am a good person and just want the best ot come of things. I just want happiness for everyone. The obvious problem is, I can't be happy with less than the wonderful life I once had. I realize that memories that include my ex are just memories...the real people she and I became are not part of the past...we have both changed and moved on in many ways. But I feel a bond that I think she does too, but we both stifle it because of the situation, my new relationship, and her newfound freedom and defiance of me.

What typically happens in divorce where one person has problems moving on because of lingering feelings? I dont want to hurt my current partner. She is very understanding of my internal conflict and lingering feelings, but I need to move on with her and have a happy life. She truly is right for me, but my eyes are clouded by my past. What do I do?

[pisces25]

I feel the decent thing to do would be to break up with your current GF until you truly get over your ex. No matter how understanding she is it isn't fair on her that you have feelings for your ex and staying with her is quite selfish in this regard. I for one would not like to be with a man that has 'lingering' feelings for his ex-wife.

OR accept your marriage is over, devote yourself to your new woman and don't repeat your mistakes from the past. Acknowledge, forgive, learn. The relationship you once had with your wife will not be the same now. You are probably idealising a lot of things and she will most likely never look at you the same again.

I know she misses me at times, but she does not let on because she is building herself up and does not want to look weak by telling me she misses me.

There is a difference between missing someone and wantinig to be with them. If she felt she could be with you she would. I miss my ex but there is no way on Earth I would go back there. She wouldn't be human if she didn't miss you after 22 years but don't mistake this for her still having feelings for you. The divorce and her eagerness to divorce quickly sends a pretty clear message about the way she feels.

Up to you. But I think you can safely rule out any reconciliation with your ex so use this as a starting point to really let go and move on.