Hey everyone. Not really here to look for advice... more so here to just let out some feelings I have because I'm pretty broken right now.
A little background: I've had anxiety and stomach issues since I was 10. In 2008 I learned to deal with it a lot better to where I'd only feel sick about once a month as opposed to every few days. 2009, I had a great job which was where I met my boyfriend who had just moved 3000 miles to where I live, and was new to the area, and I was incredibly happy. He and I moved in together which was a HUGE step for me... he's the only person I ever moved in with. Fast forward to this time last year... work had been busy, I was a lot more stressed and noticed I was feeling very sick to my stomach a lot more lately. It continued to worsen and worsen to the point that I had to quit my job in October. The holidays were awful, I was doing less and less things socially with my boyfriend, and it was hard explaining to him how I felt and how to help me. I had lost a lot of weight because it was hard to keep food down. He was depressed as well because he was away from his family for the first time during the holidays and it didn't help that I was always sick.
After New Years, I saw my regular doctor and a Gastroenterologist. I tried anxiety pills for the first time and it totally ruined my mind. I started getting feelings of being overwhelmed in social environments which is totally not like me at all, and the way I felt mentally was incredibly different. I still had my stomach issues as well. In April, I stopped taking the anxiety medication and was still overly stressed and depressed because nothing had changed stomach wise, but NOW my mind was all f*$%ed. I kept trying to encourage my boyfriend to hangout with friends without me and was always apologizing for feeling this way. He wasn't the type of guy I could really talk to and confide in because he's more of the "Toughen up, you just got to get over it." kind of person. We'd get into fights and I'd say that I don't feel comfortable talking to him because I felt he wasn't really there to listen. He'd feel bad but also say, "I'm not the kind of guy that's going to hug you, rub your back and say 'Everything will be okay.' I grew up having to take care of myself and deal with things by myself..." and it totally turned me off. Not only that, whenever I WOULD attempt to talk to him, he'd take it as me just being "whiny".
We had broken up 4 different times, all involving my health issue and him saying that I was using it as a crutch. And every time after we'd break up, he'd apologize profusely and tell me he's homesick, and that I'm his world. We tried again, but at this point I had been mainly staying with my parents because being at the apartment was a mess. I felt like I was always walking on eggshells with him. It didn't help either that I was all ready feeling so horrible about myself with the situation. I kept thinking, "This is not what a relationship should be like. I need to be with someone who's patient and incredibly supportive of me. They'd want to do everything in their power to make me feel comfortable as well as be an ear." I think that way because that's exactly how I'd be with the one that I love. I wouldn't be using that health issue as something against them.
So now it's June, and I decide to try the gluten free diet. As much as the limited diet seemed totally depressing and incredibly hard to do... I had rather that be the solution just so I could feel NORMAL and do NORMAL THINGS again. I did that from the 1st of June until mid July and quit. There was no change. On the 23rd of July, I finally was able to go out and have a great time with good friends and my boyfriend. We went to a very nice club for our friend's birthday, and that was the evening my boyfriend decided to tell me "You are the girl for me. I love you so very much, I want to marry you. Only thing is, you need to get your sh*t together. Your health issue scares me. I can't support the both of us right now but I want to make this happen. And no pressure or anything... but I want to have kids before I'm 30." He's 28 by the way. That whole conversation scared the crap out of me. No pressure? That puts on a LOT of pressure on me! I loved him, but that night made me feel even more horrible about myself. There was no way I was ever going to marry him and expect him to take care of me... that isn't right what so ever. Either way, I wouldn't marry him until I, myself, had my own health issue taken care of and could independently take care of myself financially. And getting myself to that position wouldn't be for him, I would have done it for myself.
Well... fast forward to a few days ago. Stomach issues were horrible. I hadn't seen him in a week. He had called me, and during that short conversation, I ended it with him. I told him I felt like a waste of a relationship... and he had agreed. He felt it wasn't the most mature thing of him to say, but asked what else was he supposed to do? "What do you expect me to do? Just wait around for God knows how long until you actually get better again?" He told me he loved me and it wasn't what his heart wants, but it's the only logical thing to do. He also said he gave up everything to be with me. When things got tough financially, he still chose to stay here with me and not move back home.
So now it all just sucks. Again, it's hard to explain every little thing because this is a forum, and no one can live to see both sides of the situation. I just wish I could fast forward to where I am okay with this being over and get over this heartache. I'm always trying to see the positives even though I am at such a low part in my life. Though I feel this was the right choice for the both of us. He had his needs due to the fact that he doesn't have many friends here as he does back at his home, thus why he always kept wanting me to get better and give him a lot more attention than I actually could. And I just wanted someone whom I love to help me through this with as little stress as possible... to make me feel comfortable and be an open ear and shoulder to cry on when needed. It's tough going through something like this. I just wish he could have seen that instead of throwing my issue in my face all the time.
Blah. Thanks for reading. Sorry it's so long.