Too early to start a new relationship?

[IndiReloaded]

I know older people come with baggage but I don't think I could really trust someone who was divorced, especially if young children were involved. Even if their spouse was a complete nutcase, it still speaks to their bad judgement. Of course, older bachelors also tend to have issues. This is probably one of the few areas where I hold a prejudice about someone. Shrug.

[NewStart]

Frankly, you sound unstable to me, NS. The post about you seeming to be afraid of being alone seems dead on.

Two divorces under your belt is a huge red flag. Have you done any counselling about your issues? Breakups are almost never one-sided. Even less likely with two.

I respect your opinion. I do enjoy the company of women! I have attended counselling during (and after) each of my marriages. We'll see where the latest one leads.

[RdHrshyKss]

i second (or third or fourth?) the notion that you might have some relationship dependency issues. it's not good to rely on being in a relationship so much. it's great to feel wanted and adored and lusted after when you are feeling down (from a breakup) but it's not healthy to be naive about it and call it "love". it's not. it's just your way of covering up your fear of being alone. the mind thinks, "hey, it sucks being alone, so in order to not feel that way i'll just go out and date tons of people". rushing into this too fast is going to lead to another failed relationship or marriage. spending time alone helps you clear your thoughts and work out your own issues so that you can finally go back into the dating scene with a clear mind...knowing exactly what you want, what you don't want and the confidence to notice those red flags when they pop up and take action so that you don't end up where you started. just my two cents.

[sookie6]

I know that some people move on quickly (too quickly) while others dwell (I'm part of them and it's unhealthy too).

I've done a lot ot thinking on the issue. I have found that people who move on quickly take as much time 'falling in love'. Brakets because true love grows slowly and no you can't be in love with so many people in such a short time.

Your problem: you are an attention seeker. I know the type. I was with one. You are absolutely fab at the beginning because you crave for the attention and the company of someone new...but then as time goes by honey mood period is over and partners get caught up in other stuff. The level of attention decrease...you might even find that one of your marriages collapse after the birth of your child (I dunno I'm just guessing so don't mean to offend you)...and

one day while you are feeling disregarded by your current partner it's easy to get all excited by someone new who provides a whole new level of attention and romance.

So the problem is not so much about the sex but the thrill you get from a new woman's attention.

I think you need to develop hobbies away from women. Some male bonding, outdoors activities, family gathering, more time with your child.

Just AWAY FROM WOMEN!!!

[NewStart]

I agree with what you're saying, Sookie6. I am not in this for the sex. If I wanted to run around getting laid, I would focus my energies on that. I think it is very important that I use this time to look at myself: to truly see what is motivating me to act in certain ways. My first marriage DID end as soon as my child was born. It turned toxic (she yelled daily, I started yelling daily . . .). I left that relationship not out of boredom or intrigue with a new partner. I left because it was an unhealthy place to raise my son.

My second marriage was precipitated by an attempt to 'solidify' our roles. She never wanted kids, but somehow I assumed that by being official 'step mom' she would 'step up' and take SOME role in my child's life. As soon as the vows were exchanged, she felt trapped. Yes, the honeymoon was fun. A few months later she was telling me about her attraction to one of her coworkers. We had been in counselling since about 3 months into the relationship (4.5 years in duration). The issue was always my son. She could never love him (although he's a great little guy-- not just in my opinion). She toyed with the idea of getting her own place last winter. We worked through it. I finally found the Craigslist page showing 1 bdr apartment rentals in March (she'd been scouting a new place on the sly). I asked her about it. She said it would never work with a kid in the picture. I was not willing to put my relationship above my son. I love him with my heart and soul. She got her own place April 1st (moved out May 1st). We tried (one week) to live apart together. That wasn't going to work for me. I was not into having my 'wife' live across town as a 'booty call.'

Yes, I attended counselling (for the month before she moved out, until a couple of weeks ago). I did not sabotage the marriage. I was more than willing to suck up any complaints and make it work. Especially since this was my second marriage, my pride would not allow failure to enter the equation. I would have stayed in it. Thank goodness (for my son and I) it's over. She is now dating the coworker she was interested in. Yes, I've had a rebound (with my own coworker), plus hooked up with a friend (supposedly 'no strings'), and dated several people (coffee and activity dates, kissed one of them). Yes, had two hot sessions with a friend of friends (she lives in a different city). I have ended all of those. Clearly. No blurred lines or confusion.

Is it wrong to look to new people as a distraction during hard times? Perhaps. Am I unbalanced? No. I stay active, have my son M-F each week during the summer, do yoga, meditate, have supportive friends, I've been drunk only once since the breakup. Alcohol has NOT played a role in any of the hook ups but one (drunken make out session with the coworker, followed by explaining I can only offer friendship). I know who I am. I am 37 years old, and I am happy with or without a long term relationship. I have severed ties with all romantic partners but the woman I've been on one date with. Yes, it's new. Yes, it's exciting. Yes, we're JUST getting to know each other, so I'll try to take my time.

I'm not going to rush. If it's right, it WILL succeed. If it fails, I need to sit down and take a long, hard look in the mirror. Composing all these venting posts (just 'blah-ing' it all onto the screen) is very cathartic and is part of my process.

Thank you for reading. If you think I'm nuts, so be it. I have my own life to live, and my son to raise the best I can!

[sookie6]

I don't think you're nuts. I think we all deal with our own issues the best we can and relationships are the most complex things to understand.

One thing that came to my mind reading your story is that you don't need to marry. Who forced you too. Nowadays you can easily find a partner who won't make this demand on you, especially if she's been married once already...

If you take away mariage from the equation you'll feel less pressured for things to work out. Also reading your story I got the strong impression that you rushed into relationships without realising that both were uncompatible, which was understandable the first time you got married but the second time...

You strike me as a man who gives up too quicky to a nice smile and loving declarations which unfortunately are no guarantee for a long lasting union.

maybe rather than looks and common interests you should look at the person's reliability and how strong they act in not so glamourous situations.

Yes while you take some time apart, try to redefine your criteria for the ideal partner.

[NewStart]

Catching my breath. I attended a meditation retreat this weekend. I'm staying true to my heart, and letting go of the frantic pursuit of novelty. I love myself, and my son. I am starting again, from a place of strength.

Thanks for the responses.

[NewStart]

I started back at school this week. I have been pacing myself with the woman I'm seeing-- taking it slow, seeing where it heads, without getting too wrapped up in it. She is a few years older than me, which is a nice change. Our kids hung out with us at the fair the other weekend, and they got along fine. We're planning to just be friends (in front of the kids) until things grow naturally. This strategy is so they can ease into the concept of their parents dating.

The wild times of a few weeks ago are behind me. Dating might be 'exciting', but it's also draining. I want to do what's right, and be a solid father, teacher, and partner. So far, so good.

[NewStart]

I wrote this thread (and continue to add to it) as a way to track my progress coming out of a breakup. Yep, my wife left me May 1st. I had a few months of spastic dating, trying to fill the void. Looking back, it was all about trying to chase away the loneliness with the 'high' of something new. I was not ready to start anything meaningful. I was selfish and a little reckless with the lovers who crossed my path. Did I set out to hurt anyone? No. Did people get hurt? Perhaps more than I'd care to admit to myself.

I feel like I am finally 'coming down' in these last couple of weeks. It has been gradual. It was partly prompted by my return to work (after a wild summer of hedonism). It is also the changing of the seasons. Summer ended abruptly in my part of the world. It has been mainly cool and wet since September started.

The woman I'm seeing now . . . I care about her, and I want to get to know her. After the initial firework sparks of connection, there is an entire person waiting to be discovered. We are all imperfect-- our self-doubts, past failures, fears about life. We also have glimmers of beauty within. Every one of us has something wonderful to offer. I guess now it's become obvious that I cannot keep chasing the highs without suffering the lows (and loss) that follow. It is about putting the time into something deeper; creating something from scratch, starting from the foundation up, to build something of value.

There is a calmness creeping back into my life. It's time to slow down, take stock, and cherish my family and friends. I need to love myself before I can offer true love to anyone else.

[NewStart]

Had a good talk with my ex yesterday on the phone. I told her I've been seeing someone. She told me she plans to move in with her boyfriend. I want her to be happy, and I also deserve to be happy. We were mismatched, and now we can move on with our lives (apart). Life goes on!

[NewStart]

Things are going well!

I am trying to take a slow, gradual approach to this relationship. I sat down and had a major heart-to-heart with her the other day. I tried to put my emotions into words, and succeeded for the most part. It is important to me that I maintain my own identity in this relationship. I am a father, and teacher, and friend. Maintaining those roles are essential. I do not want to get swept up in the exciting newness of the moment, only to find that I have lost myself. I need a strong support network. Nurturing friendships and family relationships, not to mention the relationship with one's self, takes time and energy. I am committed to maintaining a balance.

My new gf understood, although she feared that I was pulling away. I reassured her that by taking things slowly, and allowing them to grow at a sustainable pace, we are actually ensuring we build something that can last.

We went to a party last night with some of my closest friends, and they said they liked her. I am not putting ALL my eggs in this basket. I am seeking the balance of time alone, time with my son, time with friends, and time with her. I am feeling really positive about this!

[NewStart]

Very thankful for love, on this Canadian Thanksgiving!

[NewStart]

Well, it's been over seven months since I've seen my estranged wife. It is a lot easier to do No Contact during this first year after separating. I am feeling great about my new relationship (just under 4 months together), and our kids get along splendidly. We've been keeping a nice balance of alone time, adult time, and 'family' time (with the kids). Dating another single parent seems to be so much easier than dating (or being married to) someone who does not have a child.

Happy Holidays!

[NewStart]

Creeping up on 5 great months with my lady!

[NewStart]

We celebrated our one year anniversary a few weeks back. I was also able to get my divorce finalized with my second wife. I might not be a textbook example, but here's what worked in my case: After the breakup, take a look at where you are (through journal writing, going to a therapist, etc.). Then get out there and hang out with people. The first relationship you get into might be rebound. Be gentle with yourself, and be honest with the people you come into contact with. Online dating helped me find another single parent, which has made all the difference. We are not planning to move in together or get married anytime soon. But, the love we have is strong.

There can be life after a breakup. Get out there and have some fun!