I feel like... I can't have any feelings around him... need advice please :(

[Atnamas]

You have the right to spend time with your friends. His goal is to alienate you from the people who care about you so in the end you feel so alone that you will end up trapped in this relationship.

Do as Bloodtippedrose suggested: have a final discussion with him, explain that things need to change and you can't deal with his reactions anymore. Make it clear that from now on you will be making time to see your friends as well as this is part of being a healthy human being. If he dismisses you again, then you will know that this guy is never going to change and if you can't deal with his behaviour (and quite rightly so) then you will need to walk away to preserve your sanity, dignity and self-esteem.

I think you are right.

I did end up going out with my girlfriend on Friday night, only for a few hours, but I found myself checking my watch like a nervous wreck.

When I got home he blew up at me and also started attacking her, telling me he didn’t like her (they’ve never met, mind you) and once again if she had a boyfriend I wouldn’t “have” to be hanging with her all the time – I am not sure where he gets this all the time stuff. I hardly ever see my friends.

He is the kind of man who believes that women go out for one reason and one reason only – to pick up men. Heaven forbid we might actually want to just meet our friends for a drink. No, in his mind women do everything for men. And when I go out with a single girlfriend all he does is assume the worst.

I tried talking to him and ended up telling him that even though we are both in the house, most Friday nights I spend alone – he sits on the computer virtually ignoring me while I watch tv. He didn’t make any attempt to apologise or fix this, but instead shut down on me again.

[Andariel]

This guy is hopeless. He controls you, he doesn't listen, he belittles you and has turned you into a nervous wreck-afraid to say or do anything in case he gets angry and has a go at you again. Is this the kind of relationship you want to be in? Did he even acknowledge anything during your last discussion?Probably not.I am guessing he tried to make you feel like you are crazy, too demanding and that you are over-reacting.

Perhaps it might be a good idea to go away for a few days on your own(ie. to visit your family) just so that you can get away from this guy, calm down, gain a little perspective, clear your head and figure out whether you want to be with him or not.

[Gal4Love]

OMG GET OUT!!! And I say that because I HAVE BEEN there. I feel your pain, your anger, I know what it's like to have walked on eggshells. It sucks, pure and simple ... sucks. I am finally out and even to this day, though we are not together, I sometimes still catch myself looking at my watch or cellphone with a sickening, almost scared eye. That's what he did to me! But then I remember, I'm not there anymore, finally free and I actually feel happiness. Believe me is will be SO hard to leave, I know, and everyday seems like it won't get better when you're gone but eventually it does. That I can promise. Please, hun, get out. I stayed for too many years, don't become me. HUGS

[Atnamas]

OMG GET OUT!!! And I say that because I HAVE BEEN there. I feel your pain, your anger, I know what it's like to have walked on eggshells. It sucks, pure and simple ... sucks. I am finally out and even to this day, though we are not together, I sometimes still catch myself looking at my watch or cellphone with a sickening, almost scared eye. That's what he did to me! But then I remember, I'm not there anymore, finally free and I actually feel happiness. Believe me is will be SO hard to leave, I know, and everyday seems like it won't get better when you're gone but eventually it does. That I can promise. Please, hun, get out. I stayed for too many years, don't become me. HUGS

Your story made me very sad. I'm sorry you went through it.

It’s odd, sometimes he has no problem with me staying out until all hours, but other times – especially if I am out with single girlfriends – he blows up. If I want to go out to drinks with friends I find myself having to pace myself for days before I finally tell him I am going out. It shouldn’t be that way, I know… but he always has this way of making me think it’s my fault. Like because he chooses not to go out with his friends, I should do the same.

Whenever I am invited out by a group of friends (of both sexes) I always ask him along but he never wants to come with me because he “won’t know anyone”.

I just can’t win no matter what.

[searock]

Why don't you just break up with him? He's making your life miserable.

[Atnamas]

Why don't you just break up with him? He's making your life miserable.

Where to begin…

First of all, I have invested 7 years of my life in this relationship. My parents love him like their own son (no I haven’t told them any of this, I love them but they are very biased towards me and wouldn’t be of any help as they would take my side no matter what).

His family also loves me and I love them too.

I live with him, at his house. Just the thought of having to pack all my things up (and I have a LOT of things) in front of him makes me feel sick to my stomach. He wouldn’t go away while I was packing either, his paranoia would have him thinking I would ruin his things or steal something from him.

When things are great between us I am never happier… I often find myself ignoring the bad times because the good times are just so good.

“Just” breaking up with someone isn’t that easy. But trust me, I want to!

[searock]

Where to begin…

First of all, I have invested 7 years of my life in this relationship. My parents love him like their own son (no I haven’t told them any of this, I love them but they are very biased towards me and wouldn’t be of any help as they would take my side no matter what).

His family also loves me and I love them too.

I live with him, at his house. Just the thought of having to pack all my things up (and I have a LOT of things) in front of him makes me feel sick to my stomach. He wouldn’t go away while I was packing either, his paranoia would have him thinking I would ruin his things or steal something from him.

When things are great between us I am never happier… I often find myself ignoring the bad times because the good times are just so good.

“Just” breaking up with someone isn’t that easy. But trust me, I want to!

I know it isn't... but you really should try your hardest... You don't want to spend the rest of your life with him, and the longer you wait the worse it will be when you finally gather the strength to leave him. It all seems impossible right now because you're still in the mindset of living with him, being his girlfriend, etc. But once you step away you'll see things with perspective at once. Good luck :-)

[Andariel]

Hun, I am so sorry to hear about all this. It is obvious you are in a lot of pain and in a very difficult position.

First of all, you need to decide this: do you want to be with him anymor eor not?Does he make you happy?If so, are these moments of happiness enough for you to spend the rest of your life with him? If not, then you need to start thinking about the practical side of leaving him.

Yes, you love his family but you are not going to marry his family. You will be marrying hm and he is not treating you very well from what you have been saying. You can still be in touch with his family afterwards if you want to.I am sure that they know what their son is like and although you can't see it right now because you are in the thick of things, they will probably understand why you left him.

You say your family won't understand but this is normal if you haven't told them anything about the way he has been really treating you.They may like him but this will change once they see how much you suffer. Parents always want what;s best for their children and if you explain why he is not good for you, I know they will be supportive. PArents are very protective of their children too and I am sure they will be willing to help you out with moving out and taking your things. Not sure if you have a brother or sister, but if you do why not confide in them and they could come along with you if you decide to move out.

Your friends will be more than glad as well to help you with moving out. You can take one of them with you when it is time to leave. You see one of the reasons he is so controlling is that so he can isolate you from everyone that cares about you so you feel like your trapped in the relationship and you have no way out.This is what all abusers do. They make you feel like nobody else cares for you so that they can keep you there.

Are you working?If not, then you need to start looking for a job so that you can afford being on your own. Also, start looking for a new place. I would reccommend you have these things in place prior to breaking up so that you remove two huge stress factors from your life: money and a place to live.

Your family and friends will be there to help.Don't let this guy control you anymore. You deserve better and you can do this. I know it is hard and that you have invested so much in this relationship. But don't you think enough is enough, hun?How much more of your precious self must you waste on this guy who doesn't appreciate you?

[Atnamas]

Hun, I am so sorry to hear about all this. It is obvious you are in a lot of pain and in a very difficult position.

First of all, you need to decide this: do you want to be with him anymor eor not?Does he make you happy?If so, are these moments of happiness enough for you to spend the rest of your life with him?

Some days things are so amazing between us I have to pinch myself… but other days are so bad it brings me to tears wondering why I am wasting my life with him. There are 2 very extreme ends of the scale.

Another thing I neglected to mention is our sex life… or lack of. We would be lucky to have sex once every 3 months – he is very overweight and has promised to lose the extra pounds for years, but never has. I don’t hassle him, nag him or even bring it up. Mainly because I feel like I can’t. I just simply am not attracted to him. I think he has given up on always being the instigator so there our sex life goes.

I miss passionate sex so much. I don’t have the perfect body but I am an attractive woman and I have gorgeous men propositioning me all the time. On the rare occasion that we do have sex, I just want it to be over as quickly as possible.

Despite this, he seems very happy in the relationship (no he isn’t seeing anyone else, trust me).

You see one of the reasons he is so controlling is that so he can isolate you from everyone that cares about you so you feel like your trapped in the relationship and you have no way out. This is what all abusers do. They make you feel like nobody else cares for you so that they can keep you there.

He does make me feel like this a lot.

Even though he always says it in a joking way, he is always making fun of my flabby stomach and things like that.

At this stage I am not sure what I’m holding onto, but I think maybe I am scared of losing the friendship we had before we were a couple. I was going through a rough time and he was there for me when no-one else would be, even my family. Even now he is always the one person I always go to when I need help.

Even though I have tried to be independant many times, I feel like I am almost unbreathably dependant on him.