I *think* I love my bestfriend.

[lostnotfound]

I'm a guy, and this is going to be a long and serious post. If you think you cannot truly help, OR will simply write something like "just go for it man you'll never know till you try )))" then just leave right now. I want real help, not support or pressure.

Anyway, to get started, I've known this girl for about a year and a half/2 years. Ever since we met, I've liked her. More than anyone else. I clicked with her, I loved talking to her, went out of my way to spend time with her whenever I could, did everything I could to make her laugh and to try to get her to like me. Anyway, eventually word spread that I liked her. I told a few of my "trusting" friends and before you know it, she knows I like her and things started to get awkward for her (I didn't know this at the time of course, I found out a few months later). So when I realized she was avoiding me I kind of got the message. I didn't stop talking to her though. I couldn't, no matter how weird I seemed to her.

So as time went on, by the time summer hit she was over it, but I wasn't. I acted as though I didn't like her, but I still did. I was getting intimate with this other girl, so that probably lead her to think that I didn't like her anymore. Well I did, and this girl knew that going into the relationship with me. She knew I had conflicting feelings. After like a month and half we broke up. Still talking to this girl who I call my bestfriend, still like her just as much. Ever since this point in time, it was some time in July, I've wanted to tell her how I feel. I just figured she never felt the same, so I didn't have the strength too. Time passed and we spent a lot of the summer together and became even closer of course. I was one of the only people who treated her so genuinely sweet, I think. She liked me a lot as a friend. I still liked her so much more. My feelings grew, and sooner or later I was at a point where I'd get jealous of every guy she'd talk to/about/with, whether it was a celebrity, just a good friend, ex-boyfriend, or someone ugly. It was hard for me to handle, but I couldn't let it slip that I felt the way I did - not again. Because if I did it could ruin our relationship if she didn't feel the same way.

So the school year hits. High School. I had no classes with her, and this upset me. But I spent as much time I can with her. Eventually we learned each other's route around school, and we'd have this one general place where we met and talked for 3 or so minutes. After her spanish class she'd walk down the hall into the intersection, as would I after my Math class. We'd hold hands and continue down the hall until we had to split up. She always knew me as a clingy type and she got used to it, so I don't think she thought anything of it. I would always kiss her in the cheek before I left, but it became natural, a best friend type thing I suppose. I also had lunch with her brother, who was 2 years older than us. I sat with him, and every now and then he would make some remark, jokingly as it seemed, to "**** [his] sister" or "go out with [his] sister". I never knew what this meant - he told her I liked her one time a while ago, so he knew. I wasn't sure if he was mocking me for this, or if he was serious because she liked me too but didn't want to say anything or something.

Another thing here is she always complained to me about this other kid. She liked this kid. She would always tell me how much she liked him, got jealous of the other girls, the times she hung out with him, all their experiences, how she would love to kiss him, etc. So this kind of lead me off as well. Everytime she mentioned this kid, it killed me. I was friends with him too, so it was weird and I got insanely jealous. The amount of times I heard about him was unbearable. One of the moments that really killed me is when me and her went to a party. She drank a little, I stayed sober that night. The other kid got drunk. He came over and of course flirts with her, and she's dying inside with love. He leaves for a couple minutes and she comes over to talk to me and after a while she's about to go back to him, so I tried to hug and kiss her like I always do and she pushes me off and gets incredibly mad. I was angry too, as she always told me how much she loves me and I'm her bestfriend but as soon as this guy comes she treats me like any other. This lead me off even more. Then of course, he kissed her on the cheek and her reaction is to be clingy and not leave him alone for the rest of the night. What else was I to do? Be a party-pooper? Ruin the moment? Embarrass myself? Make her un-happy? I decided to leave her there, she was ecstatic with him, I couldn't bare to see it but it's what she wanted, so my friend drove me home.

Couple months pass by, we're still friends, I still like her. I like her a lot more of course. Another situation that happened was when she was with a a girl friend of hers, and they stopped by their friends house who is a guy. As far as I knew, she had no feelings for this guy intimately. I knew that she thought he was cute and really attractive. But she always told me she was the one to only make out with someone, or even kiss on the lips, if she truly had feelings for him. Then, a couple days later I'm at lunch with her brother and he's talking about how as a "joke" he girl friend took a picture of them making out, and as they left her brother would come and the girl who took the picture would show her brother to piss him off. But we're a weird group of a friends, and he didn't care and proceeded to walk into the house of the guy his sister just hooked up with. Anyway what I'm trying to get at with THIS is that I didn't know she was like that. This tore me up when I heard it, I was flabbergasted and spoke almost nothing to her for a week. She never found out how jealous I was about this because it'd be weird for her to know.

So after a couple more months we get into a fight. Probably the worst fight we've ever had as friends. We insulted each other inevitably, and stopped talking for a well 3 months. Basically, the entire summer. One day she messages me. We apologize. I confess that I missed her more than ever and I wanted to fix everything. She agreed and confessed how much she missed me. I was incredibly happy. Due to restraints, the soonest we were able to hang out was the next week. When I saw her, things were different. I enjoyed talking to her, I missed it immensely. But she didn't want to hold my hand like she used to. Avoided my kiss that I always gave her each day. But I figured it was simply that she wasn't used to it yet.

Well now it's been a while. About a week into school, so it's been maybe 3 weeks to a month since we "reunited". Since this, things have been different. We've been talking a lot, but she isn't the same. She uses short answers, seems upset half the time when I think she isn't, and she treats me like I've changed when I haven't. I act the same way I always did and say the same exact things. I know she's going through a multitude of personal things in her life, but that can't be it. I think, at least...

So I've tried to calm down with talking to her. I'm hoping to downgrade her to just a friend. I keep hoping to myself that this will make me lose interest in her. But I also keep thinking that this isn't the best course of action. I don't want to lose her, so why would I do this? I really need help guys. I don't want to just be told to "go for it". I told you all of this not to waste my time, but so you know our background, how I feel about her, what situation I'm in and how I should deal with it. She means a godawful amount more to me than just any other girl. I need real help.

To anyone that ACTUALLY read this, thank you. Really. It was nice venting!

[LovingHeart1223]

I don't know if I'll but I hope I do, this seems very serious for you and I'd know that I wouldn't want people to tell me "just go for it" either...
I will help you the best I can man.... [=

You're a very strong and very loyal guy I'd bet after putting up with all that without blowing up until the end of all of that (untill after the three months)
but before I say anything else so I don't waste both of our time, are you still wanting to ask her our out or do you still want to downgrade her to just a friend?

[lostnotfound]

I'm not sure! I want to go out with her badly. I've liked her for so long. We've grown so close. If I just straightforwardly tell her how I feel or ask her out, she might feel differently and everything would fall apart for us. If I just downgrade her to friend, maybe, POSSIBLY, I'll lose interest in her, and if not I'll still have her around.

I need tips, advice, suggestions on what to do. Should I stick it out and see how long we'll last as bestfriends? Should I actually downgrade her to only a friend? Should I just do what I did not want to be told to do, and tell her how I feel? I really don't know. Holding this out with her is getting hard, and I feel very delicate about her. But I came here for your help. Whatever you guys think is best for me is what I will make my decision from.

[LovingHeart1223]

alright, well since you two are not as close as you used to be, tell her how you really feel after you two get close again like you were.
give it time, never hold it in when ever it feels like you two have a connection, let the girl know or you'll spend the rest of your life wondering "What If"
I'm sure you have an amazing future ahead of yourself with her, just wait, remember time.. is rewarding.
BTW sorry for taking so long to reply, I didn't think you'd be on here when I was.

[Confused__guy]

I am going to tell you something I wish someone had told me when this happened to me:

1. She isn't going to wake up one day and realize you were the best thing that happened to her. I don't know how many times I daydreamed of my crush waking up and telling me that I was perfect for her and that she loved me. You have to understand this.

2. Even if you change everything about you to be like the boys she likes, she will never look at you differently. This is something called Hope talking... Kill that b!tch. You have nothing wrong with you, it's nobody's fault.

3. Being great friends doesn't mean the same as a great couple. It is very different, some people are impossible as boyfriend and girlfriend.

4. Getting somenone else won't make her jealous of you as a boyfriend. She will be jealous of the attention you are giving the other girl and not her, it doesn't mean she loves you.

5. She needs you and won't let you go easily. These relationships are true ego boosters for some people, but there is always someone who gets hurt, like you and me.

6. Being her friend starts with accepting what I wrote you and taking some time apart. Think about all the stupid things she did to you, how she gave you expectations and didn't live up to what she "promised" you. Write yourself a letter to remember you of all the things she did to you and read it from time to time.

In the end, I didn't feel angry at her. I took sometime to get over it, but I managed to. By myself of course. That time apart made me see how blind I was to think she liked me romantically. We are now best friends, I forgave her and I have no love for her, nothing really. I see her as a true friend, but it took a long time. I even read her the letter and then burnt it to symbolize me getting over her.

Good luck

P.S. Sorry for being so frontal

[lostnotfound]

alright, well since you two are not as close as you used to be, tell her how you really feel after you two get close again like you were.
give it time, never hold it in when ever it feels like you two have a connection, let the girl know or you'll spend the rest of your life wondering "What If"
I'm sure you have an amazing future ahead of yourself with her, just wait, remember time.. is rewarding.
BTW sorry for taking so long to reply, I didn't think you'd be on here when I was.

It's fine that you took a while to reply - but this post really makes me feel good about what I have with her, like I have a chance. It makes me really want to try and make things work. But it's hard with her.

I am going to tell you something I wish someone had told me when this happened to me:

1. She isn't going to wake up one day and realize you were the best thing that happened to her. I don't know how many times I daydreamed of my crush waking up and telling me that I was perfect for her and that she loved me. You have to understand this.

2. Even if you change everything about you to be like the boys she likes, she will never look at you differently. This is something called Hope talking... Kill that b!tch. You have nothing wrong with you, it's nobody's fault.

3. Being great friends doesn't mean the same as a great couple. It is very different, some people are impossible as boyfriend and girlfriend.

4. Getting somenone else won't make her jealous of you as a boyfriend. She will be jealous of the attention you are giving the other girl and not her, it doesn't mean she loves you.

5. She needs you and won't let you go easily. These relationships are true ego boosters for some people, but there is always someone who gets hurt, like you and me.

6. Being her friend starts with accepting what I wrote you and taking some time apart. Think about all the stupid things she did to you, how she gave you expectations and didn't live up to what she "promised" you. Write yourself a letter to remember you of all the things she did to you and read it from time to time.

In the end, I didn't feel angry at her. I took sometime to get over it, but I managed to. By myself of course. That time apart made me see how blind I was to think she liked me romantically. We are now best friends, I forgave her and I have no love for her, nothing really. I see her as a true friend, but it took a long time. I even read her the letter and then burnt it to symbolize me getting over her.

Good luck

P.S. Sorry for being so frontal

Although this, seems like the truth. I really don't want to accept it, but I don't know. I feel like I'm going to cry if I think about this too much... I always imagined me and her being together one day. But it's like reality is hitting me in the face. And another thought I'm having is what if I do follow this, and I accept that we won't be together when we actually could? I could just imagine the setting, me and her are both 30-something and we see eah other ata reunion or something, and we admit our love for each other in High School... how different things could have ended up.

Maybe I'm thinking about things to much for my age. I mean, I'm only 15. But I can't help it. She's... incredible.

[MaidenMinx]

Time to distance yourself buddy. You've tortured yourself for nearly 2 years now, why continue it any longer?

I doubt you'll believe me but, you're still in school and in 10 years time you'll barely think of this girl any more. If you downgrade her to just a friend chances are once you find someone you like more and likes you back, you'll have little interest in maintaining a friendship with her. Just ease yourself out of her life.

[Confused__guy]

You are right, the doubt is horrible. I confronted her 3 times (she always rejected me) until I realized how sick our relationship was. You have to tell her. If she says Yes, Great! If she says No, Accept it and think that someday you will hear a YES!

Good Luck

[LovingHeart1223]

I agree with the "confused__guy" but like I said ealier, if you really want her to be yours, give it time [=

[Andy22]

Hi mate,

Its funny we seem to be in remarkably similar situations, albeit just 8 years difference! I just posted about something like this the other day and trust me I know the feeling! So apologies if my 'advice' provokes more questions than answers, but these situations are never straight forward.

As far as advice goes, I think you HAVE to tell her. Like you've said, whats gona be worse to deal, the fact she might say no? or looking back in years to come and wondering what could have been. Speaking from a very recent and ongoing experience the latter is far worse. I do think, however that you need to prepare yourself for the chance that you might not get the answer youre hoping for. Im not sure how you do that as i havent figured it out yet myself either.

Amongst all the uncertainty you must be feeling, if and when you do tell her, make damn sure you leave nothing untold, make sure she knows you mean what youre telling her. At least then you know you couldn't have given anymore.

Good luck

[bulrush]

Either you ask her out, or stop being friends with her, because it is torture for you. I don't think she likes you, I think she holds hands with you because...she might think you are dangerous! Or she's tired of saying "no". Either way, she's not into you.

After all you've done, if she's still not into you, she will never be.

[searock]

I've gone and fallen in love with my best friend twice in my life (I'm 21).
The first time, I was your age. I can totally relate to what you wrote, I remember those feelings very well. He was never into me though, and honestly... I don't think she is, either. I suffered in silence for over 2 years and I only confessed my feelings to him once they had basically burnt out (I met another wonderful boy who kinda opened my eyes, thanks god). I don't regret having waited now, because it gave me the time to realize that my "best friend" was actually a jerk. Anyway, our friendship turned out to be not that omg wonderful and special as we (both) considered it to be, and to this day, I know that he is regretting "losing me", and he knows that he will never have such a caring, loving, intense relationship as the one he -thought he- had with me. Telling him how bad I had been in love with him in the past 2 years made me open my eyes and finally realize that he was actually not what I wanted - I deserved MUCH better, and our "friendship" was sick to the core. I am so glad I got out.
The second time was about 2 years ago (with another guy of course). This time I decided to tell him as soon as I was sure my feelings were "true" (without waiting so long as I did when I was younger). So I only waited 6 months and I then I told him. He actually reciprocated. After an year and a half we started dating (this June, we had other stuff going on and couldn't make it before), and it's one of the best things ever. If I hadn't told him, it never would have happened.

My point is that no matter what the response is, I think you should tell her. There is no point in continuing to suffer like this. A healthy friendship should make you feel happy, not miserable. And I'm sure it's very awkward for her as well, since she must have figured out how "bad" your crush on her is. Tell her, every single thing. As I said, I don't think she feels the same for you. But you should tell her for so many reasons - for yourself! As other posters have said, if you don't tell her you might end up wondering "what if" for years. Moving on would be harder. You'd probably keep thinking that you should be ashamed and afraid of your feelings, for other girls in your life as well. Just, tell her. You are so young, all these emotions will be just memories in a couple of years, I assure you (I've been in your same situation). Right now, you are only suffering in vain!

[lostnotfound]

Thank you. Everyone, honestly, thank you so much. Although I've heard many things I do not want to hear, and although it is giving me kind of distressed feelings, it is the truth that a friend would never have the heart to give you. I didn't think this would work, but it did. You guys hit me with what I needed to see. You're right. She probably held my hand and allowed me to kiss her because she was tired of saying no. I'm probably just a shoulder to cry on for her, and a friend that she has always been looking for but was too hard for her to get. She probably doesn't like me the way I like her. I'm readying myself to accept this, as I am going to tell her. I just need one more thing. From reading everything everyone said, I've decided to do 2 things. Since we took a hiatus and stopped talking for about 3 months or so, we've grown a little apart. We've grown closer since then, as I said, but then I started to try and "downgrade her to a friend" hoping I'd lose interest in her, which has made things worse between us. It'll take a while for us to rebuild what he had, as right now we are mildly angry and upset with each other. I was wondering if I should tell her now, and see if she feels the same way, and if she does say that before we take our relationship further that I want to first become as close as we used to be, because this is the relationship I like. OR I can wait until we do simply rebuild everything we had, and tell her then. Which would be much easier I think since I'd be feeling closer to her emotionally/intimately.

And of course, no matter what route I take,I will simply say that I think we should take another break so that I can recuperate and try and forget my mistake.

[Confused__guy]

It's a very intelligent question lol. When? You could wait sometime, but not too long. If she says yes, you have time to get close not as friends, but as bf and gf. If she says no, you aren't as close, so it won't be so hard for you.

Chose the time when you feel that you are comfortable, but not intimate! Be careful, don't wait too long.

Best of luck

[searock]

I also think you should tell her as soon as possible. Waiting in these cases just makes everything worse, eventually. Good luck : )