I’m in deep shit

[Sloan White]

I joined this site as I’m in deep shit, and I need advice as to how. How I can get my exgirlfriend back! I’ve had a very bad love life the last few months. Before anyone anyone jumps on me to see a srink or talk to other people. Everyone I’ve talked to about this refuses to understand that I might not take their advice. Please just post your opinion. Thanks. James
My exgf and I broke up about six months ago. I broke up with her. To quickly explain why: I didn’t spend the amount of time I should have with her. She hurt me early on in the relationship (she pushed me away and told me she was still in love with her ex) And so I treated the relationship far too lightly because I didn’t want to get hurt. I was in love with her but I didn’t treat her like it. Yes I ****ed up. She came and visted me (I’m a college student) last year, and we got assaulted (they through poppers, those little fireworks things, at us while we slept, one hit her in the face) by my former school friends. I was pissed and tried getting them kicked out of school. My mother begged me, reminding me that I would be hurting their parents more than them, and their parents hadn’t wronged me. So I dropped the charges. My ex and I were still having a rough time. We were fighting over stupid things. And eventually had such a bad fight (on facebook), she unfriended me. So I decided to wait for her to talk to me. WE didn’t talk to each other for nearly a week. I finally decided to just break it off. I had no friends at school, the decision I made to not kick them out (as well as another personal matter) ruined my relationship with my parents and sisters. I had no one, no one to talk to. After a week of waiting for her to contact me, in which I had texted her several times. I told her that clearly we were looking for different things and we should stay friends. She said ok. I was very upset, I didn’t want to break up, but I didn’t want to be with someone who didn’t want to be with me. She knew I was upset. We didn’t talk for a couple days. Then out of nowhere she started talk to me over Facebook. Talking about how she wanted to sleep with me. I said, that I wasn’t sure if that was a good idea, but I still had feelings for her and I’m extremely attracted to her. So I suggested a friends with benefits situation. She was hurt by that as she thought we weren’t broken up… After fighting over this for about two days, including her threatening to call the cops on me for my sexual comments. Her facebook account claimed she was dating her ex, I was crushed, because I was still very in love with her, but I was so mixed up, hurt and confused. I spent a week thinking over my situation, and realized I had made a horrible mistake. Before we broke up, I had been thinking about asking her to marry me. But then things had gone bad. I realized that I was still head over heels in love with her; I had been a fool to distance myself. I wanted her back. After a little over a week she contacted me trying to see how I was. I told her I was sorry for everything, I had written her a long letter which I sent her after that. In which I had gone though just about everything. We started talking all the time, she complained about how her new/old boyfriend was ****ing up. When I was down I would ask if I’d ever get her back, She would replay that if things continued like they were. We would be. I told her not to say that because it would only get my hopes up… too late. Eventually she called me and told me we couldn’t talk any more. Her boyfriend had gone through her phone and had found a text she had sent me tell me she loved me. We didn’t talk for about five days then she started texting me complaining about her boyfriend. This was early in the summer, and we started seeing each other, spending lots of time together, including overnight. One day I kissed her and it snowballed from there and we started sleeping together. And so this has continued for moths, occasionally she would wake me up late at night sobbing having run out of her boyfriends because of some fight they had. (they fight a lot) As the summer went on my time with her had gone down a lot. She has now moved in with her boyfriend after being kicked out by her mother. Between work, now school and work, and now her new job I see her now about 8 hours a week. I have been sick a lot lately, vomiting, stomach pain, headaches. Every doctor I’ve seen has told me I have hysteria, basically emotional pain becoming physical pain. If one doctor is right, it killing me. Not being with her is literally killing me. They still fight a lot, very recently over me in which he punched her and slapped her. He has also been verbally abusive. Today she was pissed at me as I had told her that I wouldn’t text her at all, or post to facebook. So I created a fake facebook profile to talk to her. We fought today as I had posted a bunch of stuff about loving her, missing her, and wishing to hear from her. Her boyfriend somehow figured out that the fake profile was mine.
I know this was long winded. As I’m tired and its late, I have left out details I should not, but I’ll answer any questions. But mine is… I love her, no we don’t have the healthiest relationship. I love her and she still loves me. Though she never says it anymore, and has not said that she thinks I will get me back in a very long time. I want her back, I’d kill to be with her I’d die for her. I’m planning to ask her to marry me despite out situation. Because I know my window of time with her is closing. What can I do to get her back? How stupid is me asking her to marry me? (I am asking her properly with a ring, her boyfriend did the same months ago, just asked out of the blue…) What should I do?

[Tanguerra]

Oh boy! Sloan, I'm guessing you're about 20 as you say you're in college. In your twenties emotions can be very volatile and you haven't had enough time to learn how to manage them. You're still coming out of adolescence and this is your first big, serious relationship. So, there's no surprises there if you feel a bit 'hysterical'. That's perfectly OK. First of all - just breathe! There. That feels better doesn't it? OK.

"I love her, no we don’t have the healthiest relationship. I love her and she still loves me. Though she never says it anymore, and has not said that she thinks I will get me back in a very long time. I want her back, I’d kill to be with her I’d die for her. I’m planning to ask her to marry me despite out situation. Because I know my window of time with her is closing. What can I do to get her back? How stupid is me asking her to marry me? (I am asking her properly with a ring, her boyfriend did the same months ago, just asked out of the blue…) What should I do?"

Yes. You have made a bit of a mess of things up to now mainly be being erratic and over-reacting to everything. Look at this from her perspective for a minute. First you say you love her, then you say you just want to be 'friends with benefits' then you don't tell her you love her and break up with her... No wonder she keeps going back to the other chap because he at least is probably just being a bit more consistent, even if it's you she really cares about deep down, or even if she's just not sure yet but is trying to make up her mind. You are not helping things by being so dramatic and having Facebook battles.

"They still fight a lot, very recently over me in which he punched her and slapped her. He has also been verbally abusive. Today she was pissed at me as I had told her that I wouldn’t text her at all, or post to facebook. So I created a fake facebook profile to talk to her. We fought today as I had posted a bunch of stuff about loving her, missing her, and wishing to hear from her. Her boyfriend somehow figured out that the fake profile was mine."

Just stop doing things for a bit. Do as she asks and stop putting stuff on Facebook, texting etc. It's obviously only adding to her distress and confusion not to mention creating a complete crisis with her boyfriend getting jealous and starting lots of fights! This will only end in tears if it keeps up. Just knock it off for a bit? Your job is to make her life better, not worse. Take a chill pill. Breathe.

Her new boyfriend sounds like a total creep and if she's got any sense at all she'll get out of there as quickly as she can. Nobody should tolerate verbal or physical abuse for a single day. However, where has she got to go? You say her parents kicked her out. Does she have a safe place she could go to? Could you become an asset in her life instead of a liability? Might she stay with your parents or in some other way you could quietly now (without telling her) make some enquiries? Might you go and visit her parents and see if you could smoothe things out with them. Explain the situation she's got into and maybe help them mend their fences? You could be her knight in shining armour instead of the crazy dude who keeps tormenting her on Facebook.

Under no circumstances should you propose marriage just at the moment. If things work out with you guys, if she leaves the current guy (hopefully she's a sensible and smart girl and she will work that out for herself), then if your friendship is still intact, you might be able to work things out. If you do all that and can stay together for a year without any drama, then and only then would the subject of considering getting engaged or something be even hinted at. If it's a good idea to get married this year, it'll still be a good idea next year.

Hope that helps. Good luck and best wishes. Curious to hear how you get on.

[Cerby]

Oh dude, this is a f*cked up situation right here. This girl is playing you both, you're the in the backseat to her current relationship, and she is just floating you in case things don't work out. You didn't screw up, you protected yourself from a girl that wasn't emotionally ready for you.

Stop bouncing and just end contact with this girl. There are better ones out there.

How legit were her feelings for you if she was back with her ex only days after your breakup? Think about it.